Wherever my mind takes me...
04 March, 2003 :: 6:37 a.m.
Blarggggg...
Part of me feels like updating; part of me feels like I'm obligated to update; part of me never wants to write in here again--ever.
After looking back through my early entries, I find myself horrified to see the crap that passed through my fingers and into this diary. I promised myself I would never delete anything I wrote in here unless there was some very compelling reason to do so. Is writing pure shit a compelling reason? Pretty close.
I went to the Gas Light saturday night for Mardi Gras. Hey, not all of us have the time or money to go to New Orleans. I didn't go to Williamsport with Amy. I unblocked her Friday night but didn't hear from her, so I was spared having to come up with a reason not to go. I think she blocked me because she is on A LOT...like more than me even (actually I'm signed on almost all the time, just not at the comp)...and there was no sign of her for Friday or Saturday. But, she was at the Gas Light. It was okay though because she was with her ex. I'm so glad I'm not mixed up in all of that. Actually she must have me blocked come to think of it because she's always on by now...woooo. Something is going right. Actually I think she told Teri (she told me she was going to) and I think Teri got pissed because Teri left her screen name signed on all day Friday with an away message that said something about "supposed friends just waiting for you to be out of the picture" or something to that effect. WHAT? She was the one who had a bajillion chances to be with me because I'm an idiot, and she gets pissed after leaving me for another guy that someone else is interested in me? But hey, if it dicouraged Amy, I guess I should be thanful...I just don't get her reaction. Actually I guess I do, it's just so stupid and irrational...but most human beings are that way..."Well, I'm done with you, and I have someone else, but goddamnit, you better not find someone else...especially someone I know." What the hell is that? And I'm not even seeing Amy in this case. DAMN. But whatever, I'm losing cohesion here...
So then, yesterday, I was talking to Lacey on MSN and still signed on to AIM at the same time, a point which is completely irrelevant. Anyway, Teri signed on--and talked to me! I've seen her on several times over the last week, but we have ignored each other. And I am pissed at myself for not saving the conversation because it was so great...great meaning funny...funny meaning Teri tried to say that she "really isn't a bad person" and "still cares about me" and she "knows I hate" her, but "hopes one day I can forgive" her. HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh, and it's not like she was sneaking around behind my back with him...no, she was just talking to him on the phone every night and hanging out with him when he came to see her at work and conveniently not telling me about it. So yeah, she never meant to hurt me, she's truly sorry, blah, blah, blah. So I feel better. Actually I really honestly don't give a flying fuck. Somehow, somewhere the words, "I don't hate you," came out of my fingers--well then, fingers, you know so much..what the hell is this feeling I have? Ummm. But no, I'm happy it's done with and I'm just still walking around feeling like an idiot for going through all of this shit when I knew it wasn't right. There was so much I could've and wanted to say, but I kept it civil. I only told her that I didn't believe a thing she said anymore and that I just wanted to make this exchange of stuff so that I can put her out of my mind and move on. Should she actually show up today, there is still so much more that I will want to say...but probably won't. I'm trusting in Karma. I've been paid back for every stupid little thing I've ever done and so I hope this shit works on other people to. I believe what I told her in the e-mail that when she found out John (Jon?--AGAIN I AM SCREAMING OUT FOR SOME FUCKING STANDARDIZED SPELLINGS OF NAMES!!! fer fuck's sake is it to much to ask?...[stupid little twittly voice]"Ooooh, I have to spell my name different, I have to be an inDUHvidual"...and don't ask what twittly is, I don't fucking know...and holy SHITE am i getting lost in tangents)...shall I start over? Anyway, when she found out John was married and his wife was pregnant...I believe that was Karma paying Teri back for cheating on her husband. [Long way to go to make an obvious point, genius]...HAHAHAHA...and I thought what I used to write was shit? Oh, I could hit the backspace, I could edit these down, but I'm usually sleep depping and when I am, this seems like more fun. Also more likely to make me cringe when I look back.
So anyway, Teri is supposed to come over right before work to do the switch and then we are done. I've got several ideas to take little jabs at her, but again, I'm trying to trust in Karma since it seems to like to bite my ass so much when I think it's smooth sailing.
So yeah, the way things go in my life, tomorrow there will be an entry that says I am now engaged to Teri and Rob and we're moving out of the country to raise their children and produce more of our own. THEN, Erin, you would be able to say that I am indeed addicted to drama. Or maybe I can just be there nanny or something...and steal Rob away from Teri...HAH!...now that would be sweet revenge...except then I'd have a boyfriend and he would turn out to be abusive and psychotic and never let me go...
Maybe I should have gotten some sleep before updating???
But anyway, the talk with Lacey yesterday about Karma got me thinking...but that I will save for a coherent entry all by itself. Woooo. You can hardly wait...am I right?...all three readers of this.
I swear to Bejeesus that there was something else I wanted to...oh right...
I'm pissed off and it has nothing to do with me...
Rey got stopped by the cops walking to work last night. Rey happens to be Latino, Puerto Rican I think. Rey showed whatever Officer McFuckface happened to be working last night his ID and his walmart badge and still got harrassed. WHAT THE FUCK??? I know this bullshit happens everday, but that doesn't mean it can't piss me off. He told them he was on his way to work, he volunatarily showed them he had a box knife...he then was told to open his jacket and refused since it was all of 15 degrees out and windy as a motherfucker...he then got put up against the car and frisked. Rey catches a ride with Lacey and Andy when they work and I would've been giving him rides other nights if I'd known where he lives (right on the way to work)...but when he doesn't have a ride, he's been walking to work for like two months now. And last night they decide to stop him and give him a hard time? BULLSHIT. I know it pissed him off, but at least he was able to joke about it at work last night...but still... I walked to work for a couple weeks straight last summer, Hutch has walked to work plenty of times...I've seen other people walking to and from walmart at that time of night...not once have I ever seen or heard of anyone else being stopped and asked where they were going, let alone frisked and harrassed for 15-20 minutes.
I need coffee and a cigarette...and to beat the piss out of that motherfucking cop.