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Happy Fucking Birthday to me...
2002-01-01 :: 6:45 a.m.

So much to bitch about that I don't even know where to begin. I mean, that's what a diary is for, right? Bitching about the world...only normally diaries aren't read except by family or friends that sneak peaks when you aren't around and this...I don't know what the hell this is. Anyway, do I do my normal bitching about everything as normal, or do I talk about Saturday night? Okay, Saturday night it is:

My birthday. Char is coming over...the girl from my first entry that made me believe and then not believe in love. It was a long, hard battle, but I thought we'd made it as friends, y'know? Most people can't remain friends with exes, at least not ones they dated long-term. Char and I, however, are both stubborn people and we refused to let go of each other even when times got tough, so that's it, we're friends, right? Chuck and his roommate Brandy are also coming down. This is cool as shit, Chuck's been my best friend for years...since third grade. Our relationship is kinda weird, I mean I have several best friends. Pat is my best friend that I talk to on a regular basis...the kid is always there when I need him and I can talk to him for hours about whatever, but Chuck, Chuck has been there for some of the stuff that I can only tell Pat about because I didn't know him then. Chuck knows me as well as just about anyone and for some reason he's stuck by me. Brandy is cool as hell, I haven't had many chances to hang with her, but I like her. So this is gonna be a great night. Char comes over, I give her the Christmas presents I bought her because this is when we decided to exchange them. What she ordered me hasn't come, but that's cool, she's here and that's all I really care about. The phone rings non-stop, people wishing me a happy b-day. This is the best birthday, I really feel like I matter to people. Chuck and Brandy arrive and we're off to the Cell Block, a club about an hour away. We all talk, we get to the club, have a couple drinks, the music gets better...meaning hip hop, so we can dance. We all head out and dance. I'm dancing with Char, Brandy is kinda just hanging by the side, Chuck is dancing, then goes upstairs where he has more room even though it's not a dance floor--there's a balcony and he likes to look over it at the dance floor and dance by himself up there. A few more drinks and the night is so great. I'm having a blast...but maybe too much to drink. The last song of the night comes, Jagged Edge's "Goodbye" and I fucking lose it. See, I had a premonition a couple days before that this would be the last time Char and I were together and this song just seems like a signal that the premonition is true. Also, I had taken a lot of cold medicine and a prescription headache medicine which have mixed with the alcohol to make me a crying idiot. I just cry on Char's shoulder through the whole song and she's not even really listening to the words so she has no idea what's going on. I walk out of the club on my own, take like 20 minutes to get to the car where everyone is waiting for me. I then waste no time launching into a monologue on Char about how we wasted three years of each other's lives, she never really loved me, she doesn't love her new boyfriend. She starts arguing back, I try to step out of Chuck's car as it's going 65 down the highway. This understandably upsets Chuck so he pulls over, I get out, they take off and I'm alone walking up the highway in like 10 degree weather thinking about how dumb I am. I walk a few miles and head down to a place that maybe has a phone...although at 3 in the morning who am I gonna call to drive 30 miles to get me? And besides I'm wasted and can't remember any phone numbers. But I head on anyway. Chuck has turned around at this point and sees me crossing the road and takes the exit to get to where I'm headed. I argue with him for about 20 minutes and say I want him to just leave me to die, that my life is ruined or something, I really don't remember the specifics. Finally we hug and I apologize and get in the car. I waste little time starting back in on Char, being a total asshole to this girl that I still love. We get to my place, she tries to get to her car, I try blocking her, she hits me, I try to grab her and somehow get her face instead of her upper body as she's twisting away and make her nose bleed, Chuck tackles me, Char drives off, then Chuck leaves. I make a phone call to Emily, my roommate/girl I'm trying to work on a relationship with who has gone home for break. I ramble for an hour about how I was an idiot, my friends are never going to speak to me again, I want to die, blah, blah, blah...I get off the phone and pass out. Great fucking night. Two days passed and I've sent Chuck and Char e-mail apologies because I can't talk to them right now. Neither has responded. Happy New Year!

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