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Fight Club, Pat, cigarettes
02 January, 2002 :: 9:00 a.m.

"I didn't create a loser alter-ego to make myself feel better"--Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden in Fight Club.

Maybe I need to create myself an alter-ego like Tyler Durden. Cuz I have no idea what I'm doing. Time to create a new identity and let someone else steer this ship for a while.

Today is definitely a smoking day...half a dozen since my last entry a couple hours ago. I hate going out to get cigarettes, you have to face humanity and that's not something I need after a night of work. I work retail, that'll make you hate the human race faster than anything else I can think of. On a nightly, sometimes hourly, sometimes quarter-hourly basis you get reminded of how stupid people are. This is one of those days, been one of those weeks, when I wish everything you needed could be delivered so you never have to leave the house. Some days I can't stand being inside, I don't care what I do, I just need to get out, but it's fucking too cold for that (14 degrees in the sun).

You know what pisses me off? Is anyone even reading this or was that question directed at myself?? People who think suicide is a cop out. That's bullshit. I'm not suicidal right now, no, but people who say that piss me off. They're just people that are happy whining about every little thing in their life and don't have the balls to do something about it. I'm not saying suicide should be the answer for anyone, there are plenty of other options, but if someone feels like there are no options left and they choose to end their life, at least they are acting. Get busy living or get busy dying. Words of wisdom from The Shawshank Redemption. Where am I at? I dunno. Not getting busy living, but not ready to die yet either. I've been close, but there's always that desire to see tomorrow. I do live, just not on a daily basis. Somedays I do absolutely nothing and other days I pack more into a day than I thought was possible. So it all evens out, I guess. But suicide is an option, not a cop out, that's my point.

I've always bought dvd's and I look at the special features and they almost always have commentaries. You sit there and watch the whole movie, but not with the movie dialogue, instead it's the director or actors talking about the movie. I always thought, "When the hell would I ever be bored enough to do that?" Well, I've watched Fight Club twice now with the commentary of Brad Pitt, David Fincher, Edward Norton and Helena Bonham Carter and it's just as good as the movie...for the most part. I don't know why, but it's interesting. Plus, my cable was disconnected two weeks ago and you can only watch the same movies so many times. Again, I long for some of my friends to come back so there's more to do. But you know what blows? Pat isn't coming back. His retina detached last semester and he ended up missing all but the first two weeks. Then he decided to wait til next fall. You better come back you bastard or I'll hunt you down. He's like the younger brother that I never had, but also a damn good friend. Probably the only one who would've gotten out of the car and walked with me Saturday night. Actually Emily said she would've also and she's probably telling the truth. She's there for me even though I haven't been there for her as much as she needs. I don't know why that is. More on her in another entry. Anyway, I know Pat always has my back, but life is so much more fun when he's actually around. I'm bumming over no comic shop/Champion outlet/nudie bar nights last semester and the prospect of none of them this semester. Plus how the hell am I supposed to burn cd's off him when he's like 2 1/2 hours away!

I need sleep, but I've slept too damn much lately. I slept most of Sunday away because I was bumming over the end of Saturday night. Slept so much that I thought I'd slept through til Monday night and I was missing work. No cable so I couldn't turn on the tv and see what time it was, so I had to quick get on the internet to discover I was safe it was Sunday night/Monday morning and I had hours before I slept almost all of Monday for good measure.

Still no word from Char. Don't think she's even read my e-mail apology yet. I want to call, but what do I say? I was an asshole? No doubt, but what else? Will we ever even talk again?

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