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looking back as I trip over now
03 January, 2002 :: 8:20 a.m.

Fact: Donell Jones screwed up my love life and I should sue his ass for damages.

Yes, you could say I've become addicted to this form of keeping a diary. Suddenly everything I think seems like something I should log because I might need it later. Damn you, DynamiteKid, for getting me started.

Back to Donell...

His song, "Where I Wanna Be," convinced me not to run back to Char when she said she wanted to work things out. It's about breaking up with a girl to see what else life has to offer without cheating on her. It seemed so sensible at the time because Char had hurt me with the break-up and Emily was expressing interest in me. Donnell never bothered to say that, "Hey, the girl might not wait for you to see what life is like. When you decide, okay, let's try to work things out, she might've already moved on." Not once in that song did you say that, Donell. And his other songs...getting involved with a girl that already has a man--tried that too, much to my dismay. Seeing two women at the same time? Yep, tried it and that too backfired. (Got me slapped int he middle of work)

Okay, I'm letting you off the hook, Donell, I'm just a shitty person. In the meantime, Emily will be back soon and we're talking about working things out. I need to get over this failure with Char. It's been too long and it's time to stop. I really need to find me. I keep saying that, don't I? Guess there's some truth to it. So can you find yourself when you're with someone or do you need to go solo? I don't have the answer. Emily is a great girl and we have lots of fun, but she tries too hard to be the center of things. If there's more than just the two of us, she has to try to be the focal point. I know she's a performer, she's a musician, but sometimes you need to put aside the performance and just let things happen. That's the biggest thing my friends have noticed about her, they all say she tries too hard. I see it too. But she's a sweet girl and I really do love her, so why can't I just let go of the fact that Char and I failed? Why do I constantly relive that instead of going forward? Because that's what I do, that's why. I contemplate what's already happened and miss what's actually happening now. When I let go of that and focus on now, Emily and I have some amazing times. I can't stay there though. Shit, I still think about stupid things I said to people yesterday and three years ago. Pat's noticed this as have other friends. We're having a conversation, say about relationships, then things get more lighthearted and we start discussing the finer points of a particular episode of The Simpsons and suddenly I say, "I shouldn't have let Char go out that night, I should've told her how I felt and she would've stayed home with me." It's not that I wasn't paying attention to the conversation we're having now, I just have kept a part of my brain scrutinizing the last conversation. But I interject these things at times that leave the other person going, "Whaaaaa????" That's why I stink at chess...I'm thinking about the move I made three turns ago and what I really should have done and not paying attention that my opponent is closing in on me NOW. My foresight is attrocious, my hindsight is, as they say, 20/20. So I spend my time looking back. Sure I'll get to now eventually, but it'll be tomorrow or three weeks from now and I'll realize what was going on and spend time thinking about what I should have done and missing out yet again. If I know I do this and I know it holds me back, why do I continue? Self-betterment apparently is not one of my strengths.

And while we're on the subject (follow me now), what's with this new Spider-man movie? I've waited all my life for them to do a good movie and this is what they're gonna throw me (and other webheads)? Sure, it looks "kinda neat," but "kinda neat" doesn't look, sound or smell like the comic book (I love the smell of a comic book store, one of the best--unless there's some psycho running the register that feels the need to tell me about his taste for mutilating neighborhood animals, that creates a foul stench that thousands of comics can't cover). This is not some random thought, it's one that I was mulling over while I wrote my last entry, you just weren't privy to that knowledge. I say you as if someone other than Dyno is reading this. If anyone else does read this, leave a note, maybe I'll stop rambling about stupid shit if I know others are reading...actually, no, I won't, but still, feel free to make comments. Anyway, from the looks of the movie, they've screwed it up already. Now all they have to do is make the plot of the sequel the clone saga, and all will be complete. I spit in the general direction of everone involved making this movie...if it's good, I might retract this statement later, but it won't be. I mean, I know it's hard to take years of excellent stories and excellent characters and follow that formula for a movie...that's SARCASM for anyone who's wondering.

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