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Snowballs and optimism
07 January, 2002 :: 12:49 p.m.

Still having this strange sense of optimism. I'm listening to Coldplay right now, not the most upbeat lyrics or melodies and I'm still feeling...good. Why? Should I even try to figure it out or just accept it. Intuition says accept it and enjoy. Being me though, I have to investigate. It snowed yesterday, the first real snow we've had all winter. Even this dull little town looks absolutely beautiful right now. Is that part of it? I don't like snow...I used to, when I was younger, but the older I get, the more I dislike's nice to look at, but I've had several near-disastrous experiences with snow since I started having to drive in it and I just don't enjoy it, but this is different...I want to have a snowball fight. I want to just run around in it.

There's no one to have a snowball fight with. I suppose I could just make a bunch and sit outside and wait for one of my downstairs neighbors, Eric or Amy, to emerge from their apartment and then bombard them, but I'm thinking they already think I'm a bit odd--and possibly dangerous--so I don't know that it would be a good idea. Funny and maybe even fun, but probably not a good idea...AH, my cd just skipped...I've had it for two weeks, skipping is unacceptable! Okay, that shouldn't happen again, problem solved.

Anyway, why do I think Eric and Amy don't like me? Small reasons really...our porch light illuminates the whole back area of the house, whereas Eric and Amy are stuck with this cheesy little lamp post that would keep them from falling down the three stairs from their apartment to the patio. They began opening the bottom door to our apartment and flipping the switch to our light because it helps avoid potential disaster like falling down the basement stairs and waking Ricky, the guy who lives down well as probably injuring the person who fell down there, but mostly, it would probably disturb Ricky. Where was I going with this? Ah...Eric and Amy were using our light last semester, absolutely no big deal, first of all it's one piddly little light, secondly utilities are included in rent, so why not have the light be community property? They went away for the first couple weeks of the semester, they came back, they now never use it. They have friends over, their friends have to risk breaking limb and back and neck to get to their apartment. They go out to their friends' places and come back late, they risk the same. Emily isn't here and I think they think I'll get pissed if they use it. I won't, really. So I've started flipping it on from the other switch up here so they don't have to risk injury. I'm a nice guy like that.

The only other reason I can think of to support my paranoid view that they don't like me? They only hang out with Emily when I'm not arround. Sure this could have something to do with the fact that I work nights so I'm not around when they hang out much and it could also have something to do with sometimes Emily gets bored at night and goes down to visit them. But they have come up here several times to hang out and always when I'm working. Emily suggested that with me being off tonight, I get a bottle of wine and go visit them. And do what? I'm not a conversation starter.

Me: Hey guys, just bought a bottle of wine and wondered if you want to have a drink with me?

E or A: Uh? Sure, come in, I guess.


E or A: ............................................Good.

Me: That's fantastic. you guys think I'm a nutjob or something?

E or A: .....................

Me: Yeah, well, I've been here like 5 minutes, so I guess I'll be going, hope you guys enjoy the wine.

Didn't I just say I was feeling optimistic and even good? Yes, I am. I'm sure of it even if I'm not sure why. This doesn't mean I'm going to totally change who I am and start being the guy who starts conversations. So I know if I tried to be something that I'm not, the above conversation is probably pretty much how it would go. I have never had the ability to start conversations, but if someone else starts one and they seem even modestly interesting, I'll hold my own. But I'm always labeled, "The Silent One," or "The Guy That Stands There Looking Pissed." I'm not, I'm just not a conversation starter.

So maybe I should do the snowball thing afterall...that would probably start a conversation.

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