Final goodbye? Time will tell...
22 January, 2002 :: 2:45 p.m.
Can I get a God Damn! from the congregation?
Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in...
What the hell am I talking about? Well, I'll tell you.
I walk into work last night and we always have a nightly meeting before we actually get out on the floor and begin working. I'm in there, half awake, totally oblivious to the world and then I hear Bob say something about the extra help working in grocery. Huh? Is Char working then? Nah, couldn't be...I saw her earlier in the day. I look up, scan the room and--shit--there she is looking thrilled to see me as well.
Ain't no thing but a chicken wing, right? We aren't talking; this is not a big deal. Honestly I felt a little surprised and then I was like, "ah well, another night at wal-mart." The first couple hours go by and no big deal, business as usual. Then we go on break and I'm talking to Mike, we walk into the break room and Char is sitting there talking to a co-worker. Still ain't no thang, I really feel nothing. I'm happy that I've reached this point. But then...
We go outside to smoke, cuz I ain't using that cancer closet they call a smoke room--it stinks, it's dirty, ashes and cigarette butts overflowing all the ashtrays. No, don't think so. So we're outside and Larry says something about how as soon as I step out of the break room Char had started talking about me. I ask him what she was saying but he says he doesn't want to get in the middle of things, I press him, he tells me Char called me a woman beater! WHAT THE CHRIST!? There aren't words for the anger I feel...just an instant white hot rage. I'm a lot of things, I'm far from perfect, but I am NOT A WOMAN BEATER! I despise men who beat women!
We go back in and I try to not think about it, blow it off...it's more than a chicken wing now though. It's a goddamned ostrich kicking me in the head. Char knew me for four years, dated me for three and she knows that I am not a woman beater. I have to work there for Chrissake! I shop there! Now every time I walk in I'm gonna have to wonder who's thinking, "Hey, there goes the woman beater." I'm just trying to work and not think about it.
I come home for lunch and Emily is up. I tell her because I think, boy is she gonna laugh. I mean Emily has straight smacked me upside my head when we've argued and I just took it. I don't hit women (But I'll shake the shit out of 'em...sorry, a little Chris Rock and probably not appropriate, but if you can't laugh about shit, you have a stroke or whatever). Emily informs me that Char e-mailed her and said the same thing in the e-mail. Now what the fuck? Is Char launching an all-out slander campaign against me? If she thinks Em's gonna believe that after being with me for like 10 months and the arguments we've had at times, then Char is seriously demented. wal-mart (I've decided I'm not gonna capitalize them anymore, they aren't that important--little aside from me to you, you're welcome) is a different story though--people fucking love to hear something bad about someone and spread the rumor to everyone they can. Seems like time for a new paragraph, yes? Okay.
I'm back at work and I'm more pissed than I was before. I talk to Bob about it and explain it isn't fair that I have to worry about wearing that label in a small town, in a small store where everyone talks about everyone. This is too much. I don't want a big blowout with Char, I never did...I wanted to be friends but she decided we couldn't be and I accepted it, moved on and was doing really well. Em's call to Char didn't help, it stirred shit up again that probably would have stayed settled otherwise, then Em sent Char an e-mail...which is what Char was responding to with her e-mail. I really wish things had just been left alone, but it shouldn't have led to shit like this. I told Bob I didn't want a big deal made out of this, I just wanted Char to not badmouth me at work. As many problems as we've had, I don't walk around saying bad shit about her at work.
So it's almost time to leave and Char stops me as I walk by and asks if we can talk. I'm pissed so I say, "No, you don't want to talk to me. Remember?" She says she needs a minute and tells me she wants things to stop...well, yeah, me too. She tells me how upset she was about Emily calling and she's scared that Emily will try to get at her...I hate seeing Char this upset and worried, but Emily isn't going to do anything like that. I tell her she has nothing to worry about, we talk a bit, I tell her I want the badmouthing me (especially the woman beater label) needs to stop as well. It's kind of negative and confrontational at first, but we eventually manage to just talk...civilly even! It feels good because I didn't want things to end on a bad note. Things are over, fine. That shouldn't mean we can't think positively about one another and remember the good times we had. Just because you aren't with someone, why does that mean you have to be angry or hateful towards them? It's not how I wanted things. She's changed, but the Char I know is still there, I see her at times like this and I choose to remember her well. I hope that now she can remember me positively as well. I wish like hell we didn't have to totally walk out of each other's life, but if that's what needs to be now, then so be it. Things have been going really well for Em and I and I don't want all this hateful back and forth between her and Char, I don't want hateful shit going back and forth between Char and I either. Let's just let things go and live our lives, all of us. Our paths diverge here and who knows where they'll lead, but they've diverged, that doens't mean I have to hate Char or Emily has to or Char has to hate either of us. We can all just say, "hey, you're a human being, you have a right to exist and we don't have to be involved with one another." Em and I are going to see where our path leads us and Char has to see where her path takes her. Is this the final goodbye between Char and I? I know other entries I thought we'd already had it, so I don't honestly know if this is final or not. It doesn't have to be, but maybe it is. At any rate, at least now I can look back and, if it is the last time we talk, I can at least feel like Char and I ended things on a fairly positive note which I couldn't say with the either phone conversation.
With time I hope that all of the hurt that all of us have felt heals and we all find happiness. I want Em to be happy, I want Char to be happy and hey, I'd kinda like to be happy too.
