Reevaluation
02 February, 2002 :: 8:04 a.m.
I think I spoke too soon...
I said a while back that things between Chuck and I were cool again. I was thinking that after the disaster that was my birthday night that Chuck might not want to speak to me again. But he e-mailed me a few days later and we talked a few times online and it was like, hey, we're still friends, cool. But now I don't know.
I don't know where things are at between us. I haven't talked to him in a week...or two, maybe? During our last conversation online I mentioned someone signing on who always talks to me, but whom I didn't wish to speak to really because I never have anything to say to him. So Chuck and I discussed how annoying it is to sit there and go through the motions of a conversation with someone you don't really wish to speak to. I said that usually I just say a few things and then stop responding or taking a very long time to respond. Then suddenly Chuck stopped responding to me...
The hell? While I was talking about not wanting to have a conversation with my dad (yes, that's who I was mentioning above), Chuck was not wanting to have a conversatin with me? He IMed me, not the other way around. But it was right after I mentioned just ignoring someone when I don't really want to talk that Chuck stopped talking to me.
I thought this was strange at first, but didn't put too much weight on it. I figured maybe he was in the middle of downloading a song or something. But I'm talking to Pat at the same time and like 20 minutes after Chuck and I stopped talking, Pat mentions that he's talking to Chuck.
I'm like, "You're talking to him now?"
Pat says, "Yeah, we're arguing about the Yankees and Mets and I'm busting his balls about the fat 16 year old that hit on him."
"What kind of shit is that?" I think to myself. The whole time he hasn't been talking to me, Chuck's been carrying on a conversation with Pat. Let me explain why this is odd to me: Chuck and Pat are my two closest friends, but they've only met each other ONCE! One time, like two years ago, the three of us went to the nudie bar together and hung out outside the Sugar Creek for a better than an hour after that just talking. It was great, but that's the only time they really met. I think one other time Chuck, Char and Char's friend Lydia stopped at the dorm with me, but Pat was stoned out of his mind and didn't really talk. Which is so odd for Pat...both him being stoned and not talking. But that's neither here nor there.
Chuck is talking to my other friend who he didn't even know all that well more than he talks to me. Pat has talked to Chuck a couple of times since then and I still haven't talked with Chuck. After the way our last convo went, I'm not about to IM him first. I'm glad Pat and Chuck are getting along...I love it when friends of mine can laugh and joke with each other and maybe even become friends.
But where the hell are Chuck and I at? I met him about half way through 3rd grade. Somethine like 17 years ago. That's a loooong fucking time. Our friendship has survived me moving an hour away after we'd only known each other a couple of years. We've gone through periods where we were both busy or whatever and didn't talk for months, but when we get back together, it's never awkward. We pick up where we left off, we usually find that we've gone through similar experiences and we have long talks about what's been going on and we laugh and have a good time. I thought. I don't know. Are we just haninging on because it's been so long we don't know how to let go? Is it time that we go our separate ways? Maybe.
The night of my birthday while we were standing out in the freezing cold arguing, Chuck told me I was smarter than anyone else in the car. But he also told me I was a pain in the ass and always had been. He said that because of my being smarter than others, I try to play head games with people. I know I fuck up and put people I care about through more shit than any of them deserve. But I'm not trying to. I don't sit and think "which one of my friends do I want to fuck with today?" "What can I do to drive them totally nuts and make them feel bad for me even though I'm the one putting them through all this shit?" I don't do that. I just fuck up a lot unintentionally. I've always been told that we all have something we're good at--apparently fucking up and hurting people I care about is what I'm good at.
Anway, back to Chuck telling me I'm smarter than everyone that was there that night: If that's true, how come he's always giving me advice? If I'm so smart, why do I need all this advice. I'm not saying I don't, I'm just saying that if he really believes that I'm so intelligent, why does he feel the need to give me guidance all the time? Shouldn't I be able to figure it out for myself?
So where are we at? Is this just another of those times we've gone through before where we don't talk for awhile and then get back together and everything is back to normal? Or is this the beginning of the end? Chuck's in the real world now. He's making money and working a real job that he enjoys. I'm still in school and not having a clue where I'm ending up. He's talking about moving south somewhere. I'm a northeasterner...it's in my blood and bones. I hate the cold, but I love the northeast. It's home. I don't know where home is exactly, but it's on the east coast I think. Of course I've never been farther west than Kentucky, so that might have something to do with my feeling that way, but I've been south and it's nice and has it's charms, but the northeast is cold, dirty, dark, it's gritty, you can just feel it. The south moves at a different pace...way laid back and people all smile and seem nice even when you're a stranger (at least where I've been, which is Kentucky, Georgia, S. Carolina, W. Virginia, Florida...along with drive throughs of all the other states on the east coast). You'd think I'd like that since I like laid back. There are days I don't want to move at all. But what's with all that smiling and niceness. You don't get as much of that in the northeast. People swoosh past you, not taking time to smile or say hi. Everyone's got their own agenda and you can stay the hell out of it and not slow me down, thank you very much. I like that. Yeah, there are some really happy, friendly people up here...the bastards are everywhere...but it's not the predominant characteristic of people here. I like here. I like lots of days without much sun, I like the cold because it gives you an excuse to burrow in to your house or apartment and not go out much, I like not having to smile and say hi to everyone.
Way to go, Captain Tangent, this is way off the subject. Chuck wants to go south. Part of me wants to go south, but not most of me. At the heart of me, I am northeast. So is this thing Chuck and I are going through now part of our growing apart? Is it time to live my life and let him live his without being a pain in his ass? I've got a lot of good memories of Chuck, but not the ones I wanted. I always wanted to go on spring break with him, but he went with other guys from Cortland; I wanted to get together some summer and take a spontaneous road trip to God knows where, just him and me. See where we end up. But that's me. I never talked to him about it because I didn't think he's want to do it, or because we were both busy and broke and it just didn't seem feasible. I want to share some crazy ass adventures with him that we can sit around and relive when we're old, but it doens't seem like that's meant to be. He's gonna go his way and have his family becase he wants to be a dad and he'll be an incredible one...the one all the other kids are envious of because he does everything well and he's so active with his kids. I'm going to go my own way and bounce and never belong where I'm at or anywhere else that I can think of to go. I can see that where Chuck and I are going are two different places which will lead to us becoming way different although we have a lot in common. Then we'll get together 15-20 years from now and it will be awkward. We'll sit and not know what to say to each other and try to remember the good old days and our memories of things won't correspond and it'll all just be too much, too weird and we'll realize we don't know each other anymore and that it's about the same as sitting down on a bench in the park and striking up a conversation with a total stranger--only maybe that would go better.
I have no idea where we're at. I don't know if there's anything to save or if it's time to pack up the mementos and stow them away in the back of our minds. I just don't know.
