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Mindless Drivel
26 February, 2002 :: 5:42 a.m.

So I had a couple of downer entries, I guess. I don't think I have a fucking clue who I am or what I want anymore...

All semester I've thought I'm doing great and I haven't felt stressed about school or work or much of anything...and now I realize that's just as bad as being overly stressed about everything. Last semester was an absolute disaster. I had been making dean's list every semester and my QPA was over 3.6...I felt that was pretty good for working a full-time job on third shift and being half-wake (if that) for most of my classes.

Short digression from wherever the hell I'm going:

Am I saying that working third shift and going to school is harder than people working second shift and going to school? Hell yes. You work second shift and you're home from most of those jobs by 11...even if you have an 8 a.m. class, you still can work on homework for a couple hours and get 5-6 hours of sleep...which in my book is like heaven to get that much sleep all together and not broken up into 2 or 3 naps during the day. I get home and either have to get right to bed so I can maybe get 2-3 hours of sleep before classes start, or get home and get ready for school and have to wait hours and hours before I can even think about grabbing 2-3 hours of sleep, then get ready for work again. I'm not proving this today though because I actually got home with a little time for homework and I'm writing this instead...but that goes back to what I was talking about with being too laid back this semester...

Last semester I felt stressed at every point. The entire semester always seemed on the verge of swallowing me up and shitting me out in the gutter. I never felt like I was going to make it through and I ended up with my first F and should have had a second F had Dr. U. not taken pity on me. I don't know if it was pity exactly, but that's neither here nor there, he saved my butt. As it is I dropped my QPA from 3.6+ to 3.2something. Not bad, but not where I should be. Anyhoo, this semester I've got a lot of papers to write (including one I should be working on, oh, NOW), I've got presentations to give, I've got a lot of shit to do and I'm just like, eh, whatever. Not a good attitude to have. At first I thought it was great I wasn't stressing, now I'm realizing I still don't have my drive to get shit done, I just have adopted an I don't care attitude to go with it instead of at least worrying about finding my drive and getting shit done.

I realize that the me that wrote those last few entries has been underneath all of this laid back me that's been on the surface for this semester. That unsure, not knowing anything me is there just below the surface. I don't know who I am anymore, who I want to be anymore, where the hell I'm going anymore. And while I should care more about it, I don't. I'm drifting and not even trying to get back to shore. But I'm drifting on rickety little raft, the sun is beating down on me and I'm almost out of food and water, so maybe when I run out, I'll start to care and start thinking about how I'm gonna get back. Do I want to declare English my major when the college is cutting the English department back? Did I ever really want to be an English major? Do I want to go back to psychology or did I not really want that either?

I used to analyze things to death (and maybe that's what I'm trying to do right now), but now I just drift. I let days pile on days without getting anything accomplished or thinking of the future. Why? All I know is I don't want to live in Mansfield much longer, but at the same time I feel like I should finish college here because it's where I started and I really can't think of another place to go. Em's probably up and gone once she I go and try to figure out what to do after I get wherever we go? She doesn't even know yet where she's going, so how can I plan on that? But it wouldn't be here...and that's what I want--to not be here. I'd be with her so we'd have each other for support while we try to figure out what the hell we're both doing, but then Pat's coming back here and I'd love to continue school with him and part of the reason I want to get out of here so much is because he isn't here to keep me grounded when shit gets crazy. Yeah, we talk a good bit, and I'm so thankful for that...but it's not the same as when we take trips and do stupid shit or just play video games all day and talk about whatever happens to be on our minds. It's weird, he's been achoring me to reality so I don't go totally mad, but he's been doing it by diverting my attention from reality...we sit and talk about comic books and sports and The Simpsons and MST3K and all sorts of other inane shit, but it's great. We talk about insignificant stuff, but it's so important.

I love writing in here, but it's not helping me figure things out like I thought it might. I figured if I documented how I was feeling from day to day that I could eventually map things out and figure out what I really want and where I need to go to get it, but I'm still clueless.

Who the hell uses those Trojans climax control condoms? The commercial is on all the time and someone stole two boxes of them one night at work...but who the hell uses them. Condoms, while necessary, suck. They desensitize you anyway. Are there really that many men out there that, even with a condom on, can't maintain an erection long enough to please their girls? I'm not going to pretend to be a world-class lover, but I think I do pretty good and I've always gotten compliments from girls I've been with. And lasting long enought to get them off hasn't really been an issue...okay, sometimes you have a quickie or sometimes you get really excited and it's over in like 10-15 minutes, but for the most part, it's really not that difficult to maintain an erection and please a woman if you care at all about doing that. And I do. Sex is an important thing to me and I get as much, if not more, satisfaction from knowing the girl enjoyed herself as I do having my own orgasm. It's a turn-on to me to be able to please the woman and honestly, with a desensitizing gel in my condom, I don't think I'd enjoy myself. As I said before, condoms desensitize; if I'm already losing some sensation from putting on the condom, a desensitizing gel is just going to take any pleasure I am getting out of the equation and I'm probably going to be less successful at maintaining an erection, than more. But maybe that's just me, maybe there really are a lot of guys out there who have no control over how fast they to be them.

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