11 March, 2002 :: 8:12 a.m.
Funny, funny, funny,
I just read Em's diary and realized that she had slipped several entries in since last I had visited. Which is really pathetic considering how much time Friday night/Saturday morning I had spent on the computer. I was sure I'd read her last entry priot to last night, but nope. That's not the funny part though...
I just made an entry about how you meet people through people and your life ends up in different places because of it. Then Em's diary entry said something about wishing I'd get closer with some of her friends. I realize that while meeting people has put me into different situations where I get to know other people, I don't meet people very often directly through people I know. I have never become close friends with a friend's friend. I met Steve through Pat and he's cool and I like talking to him, but Pat is kind of the mediator--with him not around this year of school, Steve and I haven't really talked a whole lot. Chuck's friend up in Cortland, Lyle, is a great guy, but without Chuck around, Lyle and I never really talked much. Through Char I met Lydia who I loved hanging out and debating with, but we were never going to be close friends. Through Jen I met no one basically because her best friend Jeanine (I spelled her name wrong, I know, but oh well) hated me...I loved hanging out with her because we'd argue about everything, but never were we to be close friends or hang out w/o Jen. Through Emily...I've met a lot of people. Some people who I think are great, but will probably never be close friends with: Randy and Jeanenne (again I misspelled the name I think and I find myself wondering why the hell people with that name can't have a standardized spelling!? Jenene, Jeanine, Janine, Jeneane and countless other variations that make even less sense! Pick a Goddamn spelling!!!!)...anyway, the two of them, her friend Craig, her friend Lucky whose diary ring I've joined, but who I've talked to only once through instant messenger, Jen, and people whose names I am not thinking of right now. I guess main reason that I never get close with a girlfriend's friends is that if I spend the time to become emotionally attached to them, what happens if the girl and I break up? Her friends go with her and I lose not just the relationship I'm in, but other relationships that I had through her. I really like a lot of Em's friends, but A)Em and I have had several very rocky times in our relationship and weren't sure we'd still be together. B) Em still isn't sure what she's doing after graduation and it's hard for me to make plans when I don't know what either of us are going to be doing several months down the road. C) I'm not good at starting conversations with people and for some reason people seem to be either intimidated or uninterested in starting conversations with me.
I did indeed notice that I was kind of on the outside looking in Saturday night at the bar. That's what happens when a bunch of music majors get together...anyone who doesn't talk about music and other people in the department finds themself sitting on the outside. Thursday night was a little different because Creig (I'm going with Em's spelling since she knows him better and I'll not even say anything about the spelling being different from the norm since he's got Scottish roots and I'm assuming a Scottish spelling...) and I started talking about cooking. It was something I could actually converse about since I really enjoy cooking. So I managed to hold a conversation with him while Em talked with Jen and Nick. But still, these are her friends who she has a long history with through her years at M.U. and those years at M.U. will be ending soon for her and probably for many of them, so I'm not going to get to really know any of these people. Am I being negative and pessimistic? Probably. I really don't even notice anymore. It's how I view things.
So this leaves me wondering if I've met anyone through Em or had an experience through her that will lead to me looking back a year or two from now and thinking, wow, I'd never have done that if I didn't know Em. I mean I already spent last summer in York, which was enjoyable, and that never would have happened w/o being with Em, but I don't see anything yet that appears it will alter my life significantly. Of course when I joined Sparkmatch and even a few months later when Em and I started talking through there, I didn't perceive the huge changes that were about to take place in my life. So we'll see what happens. In the meantime though, I'm not opposed to getting to know her friends, I'm just not betting on them becoming my close friends, but I'm more than willing to be wrong on this point. Now there are other places my mind is begging me to go that have nothing to do with this so I'll end this entry and try to get back to reading which is what I should be doing now...