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I didn't go to work tongiht, instead I'm writing this...woo
11 March, 2002 :: 11:03 p.m.

Wow! I was getting ready to get on here and rant about being all agitated and shit. It was really annoying me because I'd been pretty much fine earlier and all the sudden I got up tonight to get ready for work and decided that, fuck it, I didn't want to go in. Actually I think karma is biting me in the ass (or knee to be more precise). I hurt my knee at work last week and even after it felt better, I used it to get out of a couple days of work. So tonight I wake up to go to work and my knee is sore again. But that wasn't what was agitating me. I have no idea what was agitating me. But I just spent like 20 minutes or so (probably longer, but that's what it felt like) chatting with De-vil-angel and she and I seem to be linked emotionally. It doesn't matter which one of us starts talking first about how we're feeling, the other one is usually feeling similarly and I find her describing her feelings almost the same way I was getting ready to describe mine. It's weird, but it's cool to know that even if we don't necessarily understand why our moods swing up and down, there's someone else going through it. So I'm not feeling like ranting anymore. Cool.

Instead I can just talk about whatever wanders into my head. Which right now is the movie Wonder Boys. What a great film. I like Tobey McGuire in this movie, but I still question the decision to make him Peter Parker/Spider-Man. I'm hoping for the best, but I have many reservations about this film. That's neither here nor there right now though. Wonder Boys. Good film. For some reason Michael Douglas is one of those actors like Brad Pitt, I think I don't like him, but then I see a movie he's in and think, "Damn, he did a good job." He was excellent in Wonder Boys, played his part perfectly. As did Tobey and Robert Downey, Jr. It's a shame Robert Downey is such a mess in his personal life because he's one of the most talented actors I've ever seen. He makes it look effortless and it doesn't matter what role he takes on, he makes it his. I guess I like movies about writers or people who want to be writers. It inspires me. I'll probably never sit down and find a book in me...I start stories and then lose interest. I can't even finish a short story. Watching a movie like that though, keeps the fire lit in me, so maybe some day I'll be able to focus. Maybe one day I'll be able to find the freedom to sit and write when I want to. Usually when I feel like writing, I'm in the middle of a class or work or something and I can't sit down and develop the ideas that run through my head. By the time I sit down, the ideas are gone. They have to be put down while they're fresh because my mind changes so fast that a couple of hours can make the difference and I've already lost interest in the idea.

The movie also made me pine for Pittsburgh again. Maybe it's because I've lived in small cities and rural areas my whole life and Pittsburgh was the first fairly big city I'd ever been to, but I fell in love with it. I went to visit a friend from high school who was going to Pitt and it just felt so great to be there at that time. I wish I'd had the money to go to Pitt when I was accepted because that felt like the perfect time in my life to be there. I've only been back to Pittsburgh once since then, but it still felt great to be there. Not as magical though as the first time, but maybe that's because I wasn't there around the college scene the second time. Char and I were there for three days for a concert. It was her anniversary gift to me. We had a great time, but I didn't get to wander the city at night by myself...although we did get to wander it together, lost the night of the concert after it let out. Headed in the wrong direction back to in just a short-sleeved shirt in the snow. I fell in love with a building on my first visit to Pitt. The Cathedral. Such a perfect place. There are some classrooms there for Pitt and a lot of study areas and I just felt like if I was going to school there, I'd spend most of my time in that building, just sitting and reading and writing. I didn't know you could fall in love with a building before that. I knew they could be physically impressive or have great architecture or feel cozy or whatever else buildings can feel like, but that building just felt perfect to I belonged there. But it's been years since I've been to it, so I don't know if I'd feel that same effect again. Like when you fall in love with first every single thing seems magical, but with time, even though you still love them, the magic fades. I wonder what it would be like to revisit her. I'd love to get back to Pittsburgh again and spend some time. Finding anywhere that felt like home, felt like I belonged and that would inspire me to sit and write and see a story all the way through would be wonderful. I guess if I ever find a place like that, I'll know I'm home.

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