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A week where nothing came up Millhouse...
23 March, 2002 :: 8:14 a.m.

What a shitty week it's been...

A week ago Friday, my sister gave birth to her first child. Friday night before I went to work, my mom called to say Andrew was being transferred to a different hospital because he had a collapsed lung and was having trouble, but they thought he would be okay. Saturday, more bad new...they had to transfer him to Buffalo because he was continuing to deteriorate. It took them hours to get him stabilized so they could transfer him, but when I left for work, he was in the air and there were high hopes that he'd be okay once in Buffalo. Sunday morning, the worst news of all...a message from my mom saying to call as soon as I got home...Andrew had died just 36 hours and 14 minutes after he entered the world.

Em and I drove over to be with my family for the day and went to see my sister in the hospital...flat tire along the way, no spare. Had to have Tom drive us back home and leave my car stranded with no current inspection on a street in town where there was no parking after 9... Em called Elsa Monday afternoon and borrowed her car so we could pick up my car. After getting both front tires changed and a spare in the trunk, I had to work that night. Tuesday we spent the evening over with my family Aunt Kaymi and cousin Erin drove up from was nice to see them, it's been like 6 years, but it would have been nice if it had been under different circumstances.

Thursday was Andrew's funeral...over 100 people showed up to say goodbye to a beautiful little boy that never had a chance to experience life. My sister and Charlie got to hold him and they wanted pictures...Tom and I both took pictures (his came out beautful...his camera is digital, so we got to see them that night). That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I broke down as soon as I walked into the room. I felt like I was intruding on something sacred even though Martha and Charlie had asked for the pictures. Charlie is one of those guys you never see cry, but this is obviously an exception. He was visibly shaken while Martha held Andrew, but he lost it when it was his turn...I've never seen so much pain in two faces. Each picture, although I don't have the film developed yet, is burned into my brain...each image as I stared through my camera... Seeing that beautiful baby who looked like he'd wake up at any moment, but knowing that he never would...I hope I never have to go through that again. It hit even harder because it brought back memories of both Char's and Emily's miscarriages last year.

It sounds bad to say that I had two girls pregnant in the same year, but the situations were totally different. I'd been with Char for three years, we were at the end of our relationship, but still hanging on...I didn't know she'd stopped her birth control. With Emily it was just carelessness later that year. Both of them miscarried and yes, there was a certain amount of relief because I've always said that I wanted to be done with school before being a father and I wanted to actually feel ready for a child, but I didn't wish for these babies to die. Hell, with Char, I didn't even know until after she miscarried...she didn't even know until then. With just took me totally by sursprise...we'd only been together a few months at that point and I just couldn't see us being parents at that point. I did ask about an abortion at the beginning, but I turned around, I accepted that she wanted to keep the baby and that I was going to be the father of this child. And then that baby was gone too.

This week has brought all of that back to me along with the added loss of a nephew I never got to know. But there has been some was great the way the family all pulled together and I made sure to get plenty of playtime in with my other nieces and nephew. I also made sure to give other family plenty of hugs and actually say the words "I love you." No, it shouldn't have taken the death of a nephew to get me to that point, but at least something positive did come out of this tragic loss.

On the other hand...last Saturday I talked to my broter Aaron in New Zealand. He was talking about how we are strangers to one another, and he's right. We are. Except for when he was very young, he's always lived hundreds (and now thousands) of miles from me, I'm not close to my dad and now, because of that, I'm not close to Aaron. Anyway, I sent him the diary entry directed at my father and he forwarded it to my father (it's under Dad in the archives page). It pretty much tells my dad he's had enough chances to have a relationship with me, he always runs out, so he can stay the hell out...and even with this new found desire to be close to family, I still feel that way. Especially after his response. He basically blamed my mom for a lot and it seemed like he was just trying to tarnish my image of her so that I won't view her any better than I view him. Not gonna work though, Dad. See, Mom had already been up front with all of that stuff, and even if she hadn't, it has nothing to do with your relationship with me. Mom didn't stand in the way of a relationship between my father and I, he did. She knew how important it was to me to think highly of my father and that he was a good's his own actions that have led me to see the truth about him. He can remain a bitter, uncaring asshole the rest of his life, or he can actually face the mistakes he's made and own up to them instead of saying, "yes, I did this, but it's because someone else did that." Quit trying to get credit for admitting your mistakes while at the same time trying to excuse them by putting it on someone else...I'm smart enough I can see through that shit, Dad. Sorry but that bullshit isn't going to fly with me...

So I've made the choice to let my father go... I lost my nephew through circumstances none of the family had control over. I'm feeling the loss of Andrew a lot more.

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