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31 March, 2002 :: 7:19 a.m.

Does anyone want to pay me to read? I'm not talking about a job as an editor (for anyone who hasn't realized, my sentence structure and grammar leave something to be the hell would I judge someone else?) and I'm not talking about a job as a proof reader or anything like that either...just I pick the books I want to read and someone pay me handsomely so I can support myself. Any takers? I ask this because I own at least half a dozen books that I want to read (or finish) but have not yet found time for and now I've added two more. Something like five or six weeks until I can read for enjoyment and a shitload of work before then, but all I want to do is read the books I want to read, not what I'm told I have to read.

I'm getting really bad at posting in here, yes?

In other news I've received two letters from my father now in response to sending him the entry I placed in here about him. It's truly amazing how someone can claim to be owning up to their mistakes and not looking for pity and yet sound so self-pitying... So chalk up another likeness I have to my father...HOORAY! Anyone who's read a decent number of my entries has to have noticed at least a couple that I claim to be owning up to mistakes I've made and not wanting pity that at the same time sound like I'm crying out for pity. Perhaps this is unintentional and I'm just reading it in there, because honestly I don't want pity for anything that's happened in my life, just understanding that okay, this happened way back here and maybe it had something to do with me being where I'm at now. I will never claim to be a good person or a good friend or a good boyfriend, but I want to be all those things and at times I think I have succeeded at the latter two and shown signs of promise for the first, but I don't always follow through. I spend too much time wanting to be by myself doing what I want to do.

I'm starting to believe that genetics are stronger or at least as strong as the way the environment shapes you. I mean, I've had little contact with my father and yet I see so much of him in me that it scares and sometimes sickens me. But realizing this isn't always enough to want to change who I am. I have days where I feel like there is another me in control who I would much rather be all of the time, but then I go to sleep or don't get enough sleep and the negative, pessimistic, better off on my own me comes back. And thinking about how I'm similar to my father in too many regards, isn't it possible that if I have a genetic predisposition to be a certain way, that I'll make sure that my experiences push me that way? I mean, first of all, I tend to look back and shade things in my own way so that they fit how I think they should be in order for me to be so negative. Isn't it also possible that when I'm in a situation that will have lasting effects on me, I make sure I mess things up so I can look back and hate myself for it later? Might I not sabotage relationships with people so that later on I can say, hey, I did this and it cost me this person's friendship and now my life is worse off for it? Am I subconsciously setting myself up for a life of isolation and resentment because that's what I want in the first place and feel the need for excuses to feel this way, to have documentation so I can look back and say, "I fucked up this thing, surely I will fuck up the next similar thing I find myself doing"? I'm really not being clear...or maybe I'm obtuse because I'm not fully understanding what I'm writing and I know me and what I'm trying to express and looking at what I've written, it doesn't seem to fit. Do I sound like I'm full of self-pity right now, or do I sound like I'm honestly trying to get an understanding of who I am? I'm not sure. I know which I'm trying for, but not sure which I'm succeeding in.

What do I want? Everything and everything to go my way. Selfish, but I think a lot of people basically have that want. I also have the understanding that it can't be that way, that not everything will go my way and that just because things don't go my way doesn't mean I have a bad life. My life is great compared to what some have. I'm not starving, I'm not homeless (for the first time in my life, I have my own place that I'm responsible for and whether I stay or go isn't dependent on someone else's whim), I have a job even if it isn't a great one, I have a car even if it isn't a great one, I have a dvd player and a dvd collection, a rather large cd collection, a largish book collection and some toys that I love. All in all, I have a lot, but I'm still filled with emptiness and unhappiness because sometimes it seems like it takes too much effort to get what I have and I'm not sure what I want out of life exactly (more than material things though). I want good friends to have good conversations with and experiences with to remember when I'm old or lonely, but I don't put in the full effort with the friends I have, at least not all the time. But most of my friends are like that too, so maybe it's okay. Most of them pop up from time to time, we talk, then we might go a while without talking. The relationships continue, so we both must be getting something out of it, right? But sometimes I think I get more than I give. Other times I want more than what I'm getting, but question whether I really have the right to ask for more.

Where the hell did this entry come from?

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