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Slave to linear time
03 April, 2002 :: 2:09 p.m.

I would like to say that I'm not a huge U2 fan--having said this, there seems to be moments where I'm vulnerable to music I otherwise wouldn't listen to. Whatever the hell that big song of theirs is about getting stuck in moments was on VH1 while I was reading early this morning. I was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower which I highly recommend...especially to anyone who ever was an awkward teenager (although I realize most of us were insanely hip and popular in high school and had the times of our lives...but for those few who didn't feel like they fit in or understood how things work, but wanted both of those things, or thought they did...or hell even those they were sure they liked not fitting in, I recommend the book)...where was I?

Oh yeah, I was reading this book and listening to Vh1 because the vibe I was getting from the book and the vibe from the music was all flowing together in this incredible time...and even songs that I normally don't really pay attention to or listen to were working for me...the U2 song was one such song and it got me thinking because I think we all get stuck in moments. Usually the moments are ones where we said or did the wrong thing and we have regrets and wish we could relive the experience and change the outcome, but we know we can't, yet we keep going over and over what we did wrong or maybe it wasn't even what we did wrong but things were going well and suddenly just fell apart and we disect the moment and try to figure out why it had to go wrong...we get stuck in these moments.

Why must we get stuck in moments that most of the time we would be better off forgetting or at least moving beyond? Why is happiness so fleeting while pain likes to linger? Ah, remember The Cranberries? That great song...("Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger?"...we've all felt that before, haven't we?)...I for one liked The fact I've liked a lot of pop music and I'm not going to apologize for it...just because a song is hellishly popular and gets played to the point where you think you might vomit the next time you hear it, doesn't mean that pop music can't be good..."Yesterday" by the Beatles...I defy you to find a better's so simple and yet so perfect. Getting off track again... Who me? Get off track? Uh uh.

As I was saying...I think most people have trouble with getting stuck in moments and having difficulty shaking themselves out of these times. But I'm sure for some people the moments must be good ones...y'know, those people that always walk around smiling and genuinely happy and just let bad things roll off of them...they apparently live inside happiness. What a beautiful thing that must be.

I've said before that there are songs that make me want to just be able to live inside of them and this is what I was talking about--certain songs make you feel a certain way and I'd like to be able to climb inside these different songs and feel that way for as long as I wanted instead of for 3-8 minutes at a time. One of the saddest things in the world is the time you play one of these songs that has this power over you and it doesn't make you FEEL the way it did before. This song, whether it made you happy or sad, made you FEEL the world in a way nothing else had before and suddenly one day something too small to perceive has changed and the song doesn't move you the way it did--it's still a great song, but the moment has passed. You have memories tied to that song and they will stay with you forever, but they don't have that same hold on you anymore. "Pictures of You" by the Cure is a perfect example of this for of my all time favorites that I will always love dearly, but it doesn't have a hold on me anymore and the day that happened was a sad day...just like the days that other songs no longer had the power for me they once held. Sometimes something can happen in your life that lets you recapture the song--or rather, lets the song recapture you. It doesn't happen often...but sometimes.

I don't want to live linearly--I want to fluctuate and be able to stay inside certain moments that have meaning and make me FEEL like I truly exist and am part of things. Granted you have to move forward or you'd never hae different moments to revisit; you'd just have your one moment that you stayed in. So I must go forth--if only there were some way to send part of me forward to create new experiences while the rest of me could stay and explore these times that I never wanted to end. But I guess that would maybe spoil their beauty? Like if you could stay as long as you wanted in a terrific moment and didn't go through the bad the good would lose what makes it so special in the first place. I don't know. I just know that there are times that I had this special connection to the places and people I was with and while I'm sure I'll have more of those, I wish I could revisit the good times...if there is an afterlife, and, as some people believe, it's what you make it, then I hope that this is what it is for me...the ability to live inside of all the great moements of your life for as long as you like and feel those feelings that you felt all over again in exactly the same way.

There is a downside to getting stuck have to be careful. We all know people who are stuck...they have certain things that make them happy, certain things that they know about and they never leave that. They don't want to experience new things, just stick with what they know. We all know those people that always talk about the great times they had in high school--even when they are in their 40s or 50s...that was their glory time and life never got any better so they just relive those days...I guess when you think about it like that, it's sad. But there have been so many Mes (yes, that is Me pluralized...meez) that are gone because for those moments I had what I needed to make me happy, but those times ended and I had to be unhappy again before I could start to build up new interests that would make me happy again. I used to draw for hours and hours in my room when I was in high school--if I was home, I was locked in my room and either reading or drawing. I'm not saying that I ever got good--I'm far from an artist, but it was something that focused me and kept me happy...or at least sane. But that me is gone and probably never coming back. But I don't want to be that guy forever; not when I look at the guy that still thinks he's the starting quarterback for the high school football team and that getting drunk with his buddies and driving his huge truck through town with people hanging out the back yelling is the ultimate good time. I don't want to get stuck like that. So I go forward but cling to those precious moments when I can get stuck in something like a song.

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