19 May, 2002 :: 6:09 a.m.
It doesn't matter what happens, how good a time we've had, Emily can always find something I did wrong or something I didn't do right...
I was apparently rude to her grandmother because her sister and grandmother perceived it this way. This is partly because I "just hung out in the kitchen" when her grandmother first came in...forget the fact I was helping her sister get a cup of coffee for her grandmother...I then walked out and said hello, but apparently I did this with attitude. Funny because I usually only use attitude with people I know and dislike and this is a small little Puerto Rican lady I had never set eyes on before and had no reason to dislike yet apparently the way I said hello wasn't up to par.
For all of the bitching Emily does about all of the things I do wrong, I have to wonder when she has time to love me as much as she claims she does. If I was with someone half as bad as she makes me out to be, not only would I not love them, I wouldn't stay with them.
I'm apparently also an ass for calling off when Chuck visits...yes, twice I've called off when he's been down--he lives over 2 hours away and I hardly ever see him. Yes, Em is my girlfriend, but I live with her and just spent every day of the last two weeks with her while I was off work. And, duh, I just missed two weeks of work, have no sick time or personal time left, plus it's my third absence (the max wal-mart allows) in a six month period...so no, I'm not going to call off when he comes down next. Chuck usually goes home Sunday anyway. The whole thing is her making a big deal out of something that hasn't even happened and won't happen. Had I done that, then fine I understand her being upset...but to just out of the blue start bitching about it when it hasn't even happened and I wasn't even considering it, that's bullshit.
This brings to mind a song by Sister Hazel--"Your Winter"
There's a pre-chorus that asks, "Why do you choose that pain?" and then the chorus is: "I won't be your winter / I won't be anyone's excuse to cry / We can be forgiven-- / I will be here" at the end the song closes with a different version of the chorus: "I won't be your winter / I won't be anyone's excuse to cry / If we can't be forgiven-- / I won't be here"
Why does this song pop into my head? Because nothing is ever forgiven or forgotten...at least the stuff I do wrong. I've made some mistakes, okay, but I've apologized and tried to make up for them and not repeat them and I've told her more than once that I'm done being put through hell for something I've admitted was wrong and she supposedly forgave me for. Yet everytime we fight, up come the same things that I did and how evil and uncaring I am for doing these things. Forget anything positive I've done or that I've tried to make up for the things I've done wrong. So I'm done. She can accept what I've done and actually forgive me, or she can choose not to forgive and we can go our separate ways because I'm done reliving mistakes that are months old and that I've heard about over and over.
This relationship can't move forward any further when it's stuck in a bunch of shit that is over and done with and can't be changed. So Em can use me for her whipping boy and make herself out to be the victim of an uncaring boyfriend, but I've tried to make up for past mistakes, I'm just apparently not allowed to. So much easier to just hold every mistake I make over my head...but no more using me as an excuse. If she wishes to continue to make herself out to be the victim and make it sound like I am ruining her life, then she can do it from afar while she's meeting new people and explaining why her life isn't exactly how she wants it. Time for a long, hard look at everything and a decision.