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25 May, 2002 :: 7:09 a.m.

So Emily thinks I'm a writer. I've received compliments from the few people who've read this diary...most of them say that I'm a good writer. And if I had to pick something to identify myself with, I have to say it would be a writer. I'd love to be able to say to people who ask what I do, "I'm a writer." But I write a lot of stupid shit in here. I have no stories in me...I've never finished a short story that I've started--a damn short story! I can't finish a short story, so how the hell can I say that I'm a writer? While I reall have grown to love writing in this diary, a lot of it is insignificant. I reread a few of my older entries yesterday and my favorite quote out of all of the stuff I've written is, "I live. Just not on a daily basis." I don't even know if I quoted myself right or if I should have just paraphrased, but that's my favorite thing because it's so true. I was dead on with that entry...I have days where I pack them full of enjoyment and memories and then I have a lot of days that not one thing happens that will stand out in my memory.

I need an upgrade, that's for sure. This brain of mine isn't capable of doing all of the things I would like it to, so I need a sleeker, faster, more powerful one...and a cat spine, but that's neither here nor do I go about getting my brain upgraded? I love to sit and listen which is something I've heard that a lot of great writers's how they make their characters so real--because they pay attention to real people and how they speak and act. But although I love listening to other people talk when I'm in a group, I don't store any of it away to develop characters later on. Maybe I need to sit and make a list of people I know and what stands out about them. Right now I think the only book I could write would be one where the main character is a screw-up who is drifting and not knowing where the hell he wants to get to, or even an idea of how to get anywhere. I want to get done with school and get out and experience life. Just take a break and travel and pay attention to people and life. One girl from my American Romanticism class just graduated and is headed to Italy for a while, then she plans to drive cross country before starting life in the "real world"...I'm so envious of her for having that opportunity. I guess I have no one to blame but myself because I haven't created opportunities for myself like that. I got locked into a job a monkey could do and locked into a car payment and credit card debt. Now I'm working just to stay afloat. I want to get done with school and just pick up and go without having a clue where the destination I even have to finish school to do that? Couldn't I just bounce and experience life and maybe make myself a writer of these experiences? If it's what I reall want, then maybe. Another year and I'll be fully vested at wal-mart, then I can quit and take all of my profit sharing and whatever's in my 401k...that could be my up and get that hell out money to start something that I can feel comfortable calling a life...but then I'll only be a year or so away from finishing school, so why stop until I'm done? I want to do something big, to prove that yes, I was here at one time and made my mark...not just fade into obscurity. I need to pick a door and see what lies behind it and make something of it...but I don't know how...

I'm afloat in a little life raft on the sea of life and everytime I see land, I get excited, but then decide it's too much work to paddle myself over there, so maybe if I just drift a while longer, I'll hit something without having to put forth the effort.

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