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Wherever you go, that's who you are...
18 June, 2002 :: 3:24 p.m.

I have a sneaking suspicion, but for now I'll continue to play deaf, dumb and blind...

In the meantime, I'm listening to Chris Isaak's "Forever Blue"'s like listening to The Cure--you can listen and pretend that everything is fine, but you can't listen to music like that when everything is's too depressing.

I'm feeling an odd pull to go west. I mean, yeah, I'd love to pack up and take off now if I had the means, but it's not a pressing's just odd because all my life (with a few exceptions) I've totally associated myself with the northeast. Sure I'd love to visit the rest of the country--with the possible exception of Texas...that's just a creepy, creepy state...but I've never seriously thought about packing up and taking off for another area of the country. But suddenly west seems to have a pull that I normally only feel toward the ocean. And I'm not talking about the Pacific either, I'm talking redneck landlocked states...I don't know where or why this feeling came from.

I've always had another me that lived out west, but it was never going to be the me that I am going to's another, alternate version of me. There's also an alternate me living in Boston and one in Kentucky, but I never thought I'd be either of those either...actually if any of the alternate mes (is this how you pluralize me?...) became me, I figured it would be the Boston one...or at least somewhere in New England. Hell, there's even an alternate me that would be content to stay in this area...not Mansfield specifically, but probably Corning...and this would be the easiest one to become since I'm already here. Instead, because it would be the easiest, it's the one I'm most scared of and not wanting to become at this point in time. Despite the lack of things to do and things like that, this is a beautiful area and there is a me that would be content with that.

I'm not making any sense...hell, even I probably won't know what the hell I was talking about when I come back to this entry later on. All I know is that there are tons of possibilities for us and who we are and I believe that geography plays a role in who you are so maybe I shouldn't say alternate mes neccessarily, but potential mes. Job, friends, significant other, geography...these all help shape who you are and the decisions you make and thus the person you are.

"I Believe" is potentially the oddest, coolest song on this cd...all the songs up to this point are very depressing...all of the sudden Isaak is singing about believing in beautiful days, lovers being happy together and everything working out and just when you start thinking, "where the hell did this happy song come from?" he hits you with "But not for me...and not for you" he believes happiness is possible and beautiful days happen, but these things can't be for him and the person he is singing about together as a couple..."sometimes dreams just don't come true." I own no other Chris Isaak cds, but like the occasional song off another album, but I can't imagine any of his other albums being better than this one...when you can make a super-happy song like that and throw two lines in like that that make it sad, that's an amazing thing...the only other song that I can think of that plays that way (and actually is even more sad and even better) is 112's "Your Letter"...Pat knows what I'm talking about...he doesn't even like R&B and he admits that is a song that rips at your heart and just shatters you...okay, so he didn't use those words, but I think he would agree with the general idea behind's a beautiful thing to take a song that is so full of happiness and love and turn it sour with this simple little's like watching or reading a really good mystery and just when you think you've got all the clues figured out, they throw you a twist that works perfectly but totally throws you off. Ken Kalfus's short story "Suit" only it isn't about love so it isn't as powerful and moving. Too many movies and stories telegraph the ending and when it comes you just want to throw up because it was so obvious..."City of Angels" and "Autumn in New York" both come to mind...wretched movies because the "surprise tragic twist" is painfully obvious long before it happens. So kudos to Chris Isaak, Ken Kalfus and the writer of "Your Letter" for getting it so right.

Man this is soooo coherent. Since nothing I'm writing ties together in any sort of obvious way, I'll address another commercial--but this one makes me laugh. It's an "anti-smoking-evils-of-secondhand-smoke" commercial...I don't remember it exactly but it's something to the effect of, "He's a loving father and family man, good worker, wonderful human being in most every respect, blah, blah, blah--BUT everyday 37 people he comes into contact with die from his secondhand smoke!" 37 people a day? Hell, I'ma start smoking two packs a day and I encourage all other smokers to do the same. We can get that number up to 50 or 75 a day. Sure, some innocents will pay the price, but I'll just bet that some of those people are worthless, immoral bastards or more seriously they may be stupid people, so go for it...lets help cut down the population...Mother Earth is overrun with humans and would probably thank us greatly. I hate people who bitch about secondhand smoke--okay, if you live with a smoker who smokes indoors or something like that at home, I can understand bitching...but in public we smokers are severely limited in the areas we can smoke...and if you have a kid, you definitely should not be smoking indoors or anywhere around the kid--I do agree with those commercials about thinking about those who can't get away from the smoke and insensitive smokers give us all a bad name...but anyway back to the point...people are so concerned about secondhand smoke that they get upset if you light up outdoors with the wind blowing away from them (this is from personal experience) and people in Corning especially seem to feel the need to point out to you that smoking is bad for you--no shit! and who are you to lecture me after walking out of a fast food joint or a bar? what i love is these people who are concerned yet think nothing of taking a job or a healthy walk through town inhaling exhaust from vehicles and god knows what other pollutants from businesses around town (L.A. one of the worst cities in America for air quality won't let you smoke in a bar!'s okay to walk all over town inhaling nasty shit, but god forbid someone smoke in a bar where most people inside aren't thinking too much about their health anyway...I realize it's to protect those who work there and don't have a choice, but most people I see who work at bars smoke, so if it's a smoking bar, hire smokers...they'll be in heaven working someplace where they don't have to stand outside in rain and cold to have a smoke)...I'm feeling woozy from all this incoherency, so I'm out.

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