13 July, 2002 :: 1:59 a.m.
Okay, someone signed my guestbook saying that I shouldn't discuss the details of what happened between Emily and I until things are settled because it could be used against me...don't know who it was, and I don't see how telling the truth can be used against me, but I'm going to take the advice because I know that this is a fucked up world that we live in and it really shouldn't surprise me if somehow telling the truth were to bite me in the ass...but I didn't sign on to discuss the rest of the details now anyway...and I do know more about what's going on than I did. All I'm going to say is that if Em and I can reach an agreement where she'll leave me alone then I'll drop the charges against her. I don't want to ruin her life; I just don't want mine ruined either. There are going to be some drastic changes in the immediate future as far as my life is concerned and where I live, but I'm not going to discuss it now.
What I signed on for is the fact that I realize I'm in break-up mode again. I did this when Jen and I broke up and again when Char and I broke up and the first time Em and I broke up. And wow, when you haven't eaten all day, beer gets to you A LOT quicker. Woooooo.
Anyway, what I mean by break-up mode is that for the last 4+ years I've been with someone meaning that regardless of what else was going on in my life, I knew I had a significant other to talk to and spend time with. Again I am realizing that the me that used to love to lock himself away from people and spend time alone is gone...now I rely on having someone to be there...I've been talking on the phone a lot today because I realize that other than that I am basically alone. None of my friends are around...I have people that I associate with and can go out and have a good time with, but no friend I can just go and hang out with and not feel alone with.
Some good has come of this...previous to Char and I breaking up (aside from a few months after Jen and I broke up) I wasn't close to my family...but after Char and I broke up I realized how much I had shut myself off from all but a few people...I have Pat and Chuck that are my really close friends, then I have a few others that I can talk to about how I feel also, but most of the people that I know (and most of them have been people I've gotten to know since Char broke up with me) are just people that I can go out and have a good time with, but that's it...we aren't close and we won't ever be close, they're just people I know who are fun to be with when we get together...But I've learned to rely more on my family...I've been making it to a lot more family get togethers since Char and I split and I've been more open about how I feel and what I'm going through...So I can say that some positive came from the split. I no longer want to remain in a shell and stay locked up in my own head...the bitch is that Pat and Chuck don't live around here and most of the people that I know and can talk to about my feelings are busy with other stuff too...it's 2:15 in the morning who am I going to call and talk to because I'm lonely? No one. That's who. That's just it...before I was happy to be alone, now I'm happy to hang out with people and have a good time...but I don't know how to combine the two so that when I'm alone I can be happy. I feel like talking even though I've already talked to most of the people I know. It'd be nice to have a shoulder to lean on and just someone to spend time with so I don't feel so alone. But I'm alone right now, so I'm going to make the best of it. I really don't mind being alone and having time to myself, it's just at times like this I never know when I'm going to get to go out and have fun.
I don't let very many people get close, I don't open up all the way to very many...this is fine because most of the time once someone is in, I know that I can always rely on them. I know Chuck and Pat have my back, I know that there are others I can talk to, but at the same time I let Emily get close and I let Char get close and now they are both gone and it leaves this big void in my inner circle where there was someone. I want to have someone there to fill that void, but I don't want to just settle for anyone. I want to find someone that I can trust and who can trust me, someone who I can be comfortable sitting at home and playing mancala with and also be comfortable going out and dancing or sitting and having a serious talk about personal and world events. The person I'm with has to have a brain and know what's going on in the world. I don't know where the hell this is going...I'm just lonely and feeling bad and feeling a big sense of loss even though the logical part of my brain realizes that, while I care for Emily, we can never work as a couple. I love her, but I can't let myself fall in love with her because there has been and would continue to be too much shit; too much of a difference in where our lives are going and what we want out of life. The same with Char. I still really do love her and want her to be happy...but she was talking shit about me so it feels like she must not want me to be happy. She doesn't want to see me with Em because Em is who I hooked up with after her; at the same time she apparently doesn't want me to be with someone else.
There's not even anyone online that I can talk to right now to get all this off my chest so I dump it in here. It helps, but it doesn't fix the problem. I want to have someone to fill the void--not even as a lover or girlfriend, just as a friend to talk to...at the same time I realize that I probably should take some time by myself and get to know me again without relying on someone else...in fact that is what I want...to find myself and be strong again. I like the fact that I can talk more to people now, but I need to be strong and not feel the need to be with someone all the time...I need to listen to Chris Isaak right now..."Graduation Day" Yes.