16 July, 2002 :: 6:52 a.m.
I don't believe Emily is a bad person at all. I don't hate her, in fact I still love her and think that she is a lot of fun, intelligent, talented...but she has a side to her that I just can't deal with anymore. I believe her when she says that she wants to change her ways. I cannot, however, stick around and wait to see if she really does change. There's been too much bad and every time we've gone through one of these really bad times, the times where she lashes out and gets ugly, there's been a little voice in the back of my head saying, "Yes, you care about her, but this can't work...walk away." Each time the voice has gotten louder and the voice never hesitates to say, "Told you so, dumbass," when the next ugly scene occurs. I believe that she is basically a good and loving person but there's a demon in there that takes control every now and then (I'm not saying I don't have one, or that other people don't have one--I think we all do--just her's is really destructive) and I don't know if she's powerless to stop it or just lets her guard down occasionally...but I can't be there to see and deal with it anymore.
It really sucks to be on this side and I don't know how people do it...how do you cut someone out of your life without paying a price in feeling shitty? I've never been in this situation before. Partings have always either been mutual or the other party has decided that we must go separate ways. I take that back, there have been a couple of times that I've acted the fool intentionally to drive the other person away--because of this, because I don't like telling someone that they can't be part of my life anymore...especially not when it's someone that I still care about. Sometimes you have to let your heart lead and others your head and this is one where I definitely have to let my head lead. The feeling just won't go away.
I was starting to think that things were looking up, that things might turn around...from now on when I have that feeling I'm going to start wearing a biohazard suit because it generally means shit is about to start falling from the sky.
I am my father's fuck-up...here to keep the legacy rollin'.