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21 July, 2002 :: 2:29 p.m.

I had a really great night last night...sorta. Went to Angles up in Elmira with a group from wal-mart because Dwayne was back in town and everyone wanted to celebrate. (Sad when you have to go out of town to celebrate someone's return to town...but that's Mansfield)

Angles is a gay bar...appropriate since Dwayne is gay...actually I guess he's bi with a preference for men. I had a bit of trouble getting started on the dance floor--not because it was a gay club in the sense that I was nervous of all the gay men, but because it was a gay club in the sense that they were playing music by Cher when we first arrived.

Everyone was having a good ol' time and Felicia and Dwayne were up on a little stage type area and pulled me up there. There was this skinny, but attractive black guy up there also. I have always found black men, overall, more attractive than white men. I have no desire to sleep with a guy, but just find black men attractive for some reason. So I figured I'd get into the spirit of things since they had stopped playing Cher and moved on to some sort of techno stuff and I started moving my ass against the guy's ass while dancing behind Felicia. Pretty soon I was dancing with the guy...he moved so that he was moving his ass against my crotch. Definitely...different. But I figured what the hell, I was here to have fun.

He then began reaching his hands back and running them along the outsides of my thighs. I placed my hands on his hips and continued dancing. He then started guiding my hands--up his sides, back down to his was still this time the wal-mart group had noticed and were all watching wide-eyed. The guy then started moving his hands to the inside of my thighs and...well, yeah. And for some reason, I still continued to dance with him...I mean I moved his hands, but after that continued dancing. Then someone else came over and I believe was upset that he was dancing with me and not him, so I took that as my cue to exit the little stage.

The club was a lot of fun...they play some song toward the end where everyone starts throwing water on one another, so I grabbed a bottle and soaked Dwayne, Teri and some guy Dwayne was haning out with. It's only the second time I've been to a gay bar, but I have to say based on those two experiences that I really have a lot more fun at gay clubs than any of the local bars. Dwayne apparently wasn't kidding that night that he IMed me and asked me if I'd consider being with him...he had told a couple of the other people that he thinks I'm hot and would hook up with me...nice to know I have options, I suppose...nice to know someone finds me hot. Then again, my horoscope the night before said I was ultra-sexy and couldn't help but to attract new kinds of attention...hmmm. For now I think I'll stick to having non-sexual crushes on guys like Denzel Washingtong and Wesley Snipes and to the occasional dance with a gay guy.

The night should have ended there because it was a great, great time...but it didn't and as always ended with a little bit of drama. But I'm choosing to not think about it right now...I wasn't even drinking, so apparently alcohol isn't the key to drama in my life...I just have to show up...

All I'm gonna say is I'm not happy with myself right now because I like to think of myself as a basically good guy who can make the right decision when it faces him and apparently, I can't. I know better, I know I'm doing wrong, but I leave it up to the guy I'll be the next day to deal with the aftermath.

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