22 July, 2002 :: 8:30 a.m.
I am the guy some 26 hours after the last bit of drama ended. I'm thinking this is a viscious cycle. I'm pissed that I have to clean up the mess of the me who was in control Saturday night/Sunday morning. Now I want to create stupid drama for the guy who wakes up this afternoon to deal with since I can't get back at the guy I was a little over a day ago. But then I probably should be the guy to try and end the drama for all future incarnations of myself by learning from mistakes instead of remaking them or dreaming up new and more imaginative ways to cause stress in my life.
I am a twisted mess right now. Feelings of guilt mixed with venom mixed with near euphoria (though I think that part has come to an end). I start to feel guilty for the way things ended with Em, guilty for deciding to not give her more money, guilty for whatever else because I do still care, but then she says or does something that brings me smack back to reality. I'm feeling bad and guilty for other shit too, but it's still too soon, have to wait and see how things play out.
Waiting doesn't help me in the meantime. I really have no idea what I want, what will make me happy...I thought I knew, but now I don't know. I want to heat a piece of metal and press it into my skin...it's been a long time. The last one was poorly done. Again, I should wait and see how things play out. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it feels cleansing...but it gets tiresome trying to make other people understand. Obviously people who don't practice SI of any sort have no understanding of how it feels and are never going to. It's all well and good, but I don't judge people for sexual preferences, I don't judge people based on skin color...I try not to judge people based on religion and I'm pretty good about it unless they try convincing me I should believe as they believe. I judge more on (perceived) intelligence than anything else. If you seem dumb, I don't have time.
And hello, Point, I'm getting to you, I swear. I don't judge based on people piercing or tattooing themselves, in fact I really like it and wish I had the money to get my eyebrow redone as well as some other stuff...my point is there are a lot of things that make people different, but for some reason if you choose to brand yourself you are viewed as a freak--I know I'm repeating a point I've made before, but I stand by it. It makes me feel better and I really don't dislike the scars it leaves. I don't judge people who pop different pills to make themselves feel better...if that's what you need so be it. But whether it's something illegal or something your shrink prescribed you may be doing long term damage to your body...all I'm doing is altering the way my skin looks.
I can't even remember the point of this--how many of my entries say that near the end? Why do I make entries when I don't know what the hell I'm talking about? Why can't I learn to mack? Hello, that has nothing to do with anything. I sleep with someone, I have feelings for that person...that's how it's always been. Why the hell couldn't I just shut that shit off until I need it. And why is it that when I try to be a good guy, I try not to hurt people, I always end up labeled the bad guy? Emily hit me more than once--one time over the head with a phone. This last time she bit me twice and the one on my shoulder blade almost broke the skin through my shirt...it's been what? 11 days? and the bite mark is still there and not very nice looking...and she says in her diary that I'm the "so called 'victim'"--what the fuck? The only hand I laid on her through all of that was to push her away the first time she bit me. But I'm the bad guy because I didn't introduce her to the people I went to hang out with at the bar? After we had already broken up and I decided to have a night out with friends, I wanted to be out without her and just laugh and have a good time--she was ready to cause drama as soon as she got there and saw me. Definitely by the time I saw her at least since she thought I had already seen her and was just ignoring her. But for that I deserved to be bitten twice, smacked across the mouth and nose and punched in the head? I just fended her off because I was raised not to hit a girl--and you damn well better believe that if I didn't hit her on a night like that, I did listen to my parents at least some of the time. But I get labeled abusive by one ex because of one incident where the other person there who witnessed it also saw that what happened was clearly accidental. Then I get attacked, more than once, by another ex--AND SOMEHOW I'M STILL THE FUCKING BAD GUY. I admit I've done some shitty things, but FUCK! I've paid for them. Just once I want to meet a girl who doesn't judge me based on past boyfriends and actually shares interests and goals with me so that we can be partners and push each other and support each other. I want to find a person that will grow with me, not away from me...someone whom I can find new things to enjoy and share with as the years pass. Do women not want this? What is wrong with wanting that and why the fuck is it so hard to find? The bottom line is happiness. I want to be happy and while, yes, I need to be happy by myself, I also want to be part of a relationship that is happy and supportive. It really doesn't seem like too much to ask for.