Tainted Memories
06 August, 2002 :: 1:55 a.m.
Lovely...I have my new girlfriend over tonight and we're looking through some of my pictures and what do I find? Emily apparently went through them and found some pictures of Char and drew all over them...lovely things like "cunt" and "stupid bitch." Yet another example of her overwhelming maturity. I was tempted to take my pictures of Emily and have a little voodooish ritual in the back yard tonight, but I refrained.
Am I still with Char? Obviously no. Am I with Emily or any other girl I've dated in the past? Obviously no. But these people are part of my history, part of the influences that shaped me. I'm not hung up on my exes. I'm honestly even past Char now. I still care about her in a sense and hope that she's happy, even after all of the shit we've been through. I'm at a point with Emily where there are things about her I miss, but I'm not hung up on them because I know that things weren't healthy between us. The pictures though are part of my past. I realize some people just toss any picture that has one of their exes in it and choose not to dwell. I'm not trying to dwell in my past relationships, but I know myself and how I don't like to forget the past. Sometimes I wish I could, sometimes I spend way too much time on the past, but it's me and I should be able to keep the pictures of people I've known.
I still have pictures from wal-mart of people that I used to work with who are long gone. There are a few that I don't even remember all that well, but the pictures are part of times that I do remember. So I can't remember everyone's name right away, but these pictures bring back memories of good times and fun. I'm not going to throw these pictures out just because I don't see these people anymore. What the hell is the point of taking a picture? It's to capture a moment for posterity. Char and I aren't together, but that does not give Emily the right to go in and deface pictures that belong to me and represent that time in my life when I was with Char. I resisted the impulse to tear up or burn all of my pictures of Emily. I was with her for a year and though there was a lot of bad, there was also good and I choose to remember that she did play a role in my life. I realize it's probably an overreaction and I should have just shrugged it off because it was only a few pictures, not every single one, but I feel violated. She had no right to destroy these things that had to do with a time when I didn't know she even existed. I know that not too long ago these pictures were fine. I am assuming that Emily did this after I moved out but before I retrieved my pictures. How stupid. I didn't break up with Emily over Char. I have fond memories of Char, I miss Char, but I have moved on. Char decided she no longer wants to be any part of my life. It hurts to some degree, but I can live with it. I can go for days without thinking about her unless someone brings her up. But Char was important and those times I spent with her and documented on film meant a lot to me or I wouldn't have bothered with them. Now these pictures won't remind me of Char; they serve as a reminder anytime I think of Emily of why I don't want to be with her anymore. I don't really think that was Emily's intent, but it's what she did. If I ever find myself reminiscing and wondering why things couldn't be between myself and Emily, I can pull out these ruined pictures and think, "Oh. Yeah. That's why..."