A letter I wish I could send...
13 August, 2002 :: 10:10 a.m.
It didn't work. I don't know for sure that you ever read this anymore. What's more, I don't know that you had anything to do with this for sure, but in case you do and in case you did, it didn't work. Whether you played a role in this or not, I know that you've been badmouthing me, I know that you feel you have some sort of vendetta against me. Why?
For three years you were my world. For three years I loved you. We met and fell into immediate, easy conversation. I knew that I loved you long before I asked you out. That night that I scared you and we began talking, I knew then that you were special and I had to get to know you better; I also felt as though I already knew you. It was magic. I've never experienced it since and probably never will. I had this beautiful person that was all I could have asked for. For the first two years I was really happy with you. For most of the last year I was still happy with you, but things slipped. I know a large part of it was me; I know that I fucked up. I took you for granted, I didn't pull my weight in our relationship.
It would be too easy to fall on the excuses--I was tired, I was working full-time and going to school, our schedules ran different which didn't always give us a lot of time together even when other things weren't taking up my time. We changed and we grew apart. We didn't have to, we just let it happen. We stopped talking--the thing that had been so easy and so natural faded and a field of silence grew between us...we didn't even realize how far apart we'd gotten until it was too late. I know I screwed up more than once in the relationship due to immaturity and a fear of commitment.
We had great times. We laughed together, cried together, lived together. But I had trouble getting comfortable with the idea that things could last between us. You probably did deserve better than me...not the man that I wanted to be, but the man that I was. I owe you much because you got my life back on course and I learned valuable lessons from you--lessons that I am doing my best to remember now. I don't want to fuck things up again.
I still have so much love for you--not who you've become, but the woman I knew and loved for over three years. I do still miss you. I wish we could be friends. I miss being able to talk to you about anything and everything. I miss your smile, I miss your laugh...but the more time we are apart, the more I realize that while I loved you and we had some great times that we really didn't belong together. When you got your cards read and Karen told you that we knew each other previously and that this was the last lifetime we would know each other in--that scared the hell out of me. I didn't want to believe what she said that we weren't meant to be together, that we were only together to learn from one another. But I realize now that she was right. I did learn a lot from you and you helped steer my life to the point it's at now.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that I unloaded so much shit on you the night of my birthday and upset you, but I don't regret what I said. I think I was right about some things and I think that's why it bothered you. You bounce from guy to guy and reinvent yourself based on who they are and what they like...now I realize that the person we are with shapes us to a degree, but I don't think you knew who you were. I hope that I'm wrong and you finally are discovering who you are and what you want for yourself now. And if Ryan helps bring that out in you, I'm happy for you. I truly want you to be happy. I truly do still hold a special place for you in my heart and I still have love for you. I hope that you do well going back to school and that you have found the path you were meant for...I hope you become a nurse and I hope that really is what you want because I think you'd be great. You are a beautiful, intelligent, warm woman and I think you'll do well. I miss you, but I've let you go and I've not done anything to interfere with you. I told you my opinions and I stand by what I said...I just should have been sober and worded things differently. I said what I said out of concern for you because I felt like it was the last time we'd see each other and it would be my last chance to get through to you...granted I made that happen--we did see each other again after that and we did talk, but we were no longer friends. I wish we could have remained in one another's lives--especially if this is the last lifetime that we'll know each other through. I can't imagine not having you in my life in some form. I thought we ended things on good terms...that last time I saw you, when Chuck and I ran into you at wal-mart, we talked for close to half an hour and you gave me a hug before we parted...
I never have badmouthed you...you can ask anyone I've worked with at wal-mart...I've taken responsibility for screwing things up between us. I admit that I loved you but didn't show you properly and so I lost you. You weren't perfect, but I was the one who pretty much killed our relationship. But I've let you move on...now you come back and tell people not to get involved with me, that I'm a bad person...you know that's not true...I fucked up, but I'm not a bad guy. I've learned from my mistakes and I've changed in the last 17 months since we broke up, just as you have. I'm not the same guy you knew...I mean sure there are still a lot of parts of me that are either the same or similar, but I've grown through new experiences and I've opened my life up to a new person and a new direction that, when you knew me better than anyone, I would never have been open to. I am a different guy and I feel good and I want to move on and be happy. Please let me go and let me have this chance. I know you told her not to get involved with me and that I was abusive. I don't know if you were behind this story that I was seeing Emily behind her back and messing around. I hope you weren't, but we've been having a good time getting to know one another and we've been building a relationship and suddenly you are home for the weekend and she calls last night from work and asks if I'm fooling around on her...I'm not and I won't. I don't want to hurt her or her daughter. If things don't work out, I will accept it, but I don't want to drag them through stupid, petty drama.
I let you and Ryan live your life...there were things you know damn well that I could have shown or told him back when you two used to hang out up here a lot...maybe these things wouldn't have broken the two of you up, but they would definitely have created problems...but I let you go. You said you were happy and I didn't try to mess things up. Let me live a peaceful, happy life with someone. Maybe this isn't the relationship I'll be in in six months or a year. I don't know where it's going. All I know is that I'm happy and a part of me that was long slumbering is now reawakened and I'm content. I feel good and people that are friends have noticed a change. If you had any part in this, if you ever do check in to this to see what I'm up to, please show me the same respect I've given you and Ryan. Yes, I told you what I thought of him (based on what I heard from you)and your relationship, but I didn't interfere. I didn't directly try to cause strife between the two of you. I sure as shit didn't say anything bad about you at work and I definitely didn't sit around at Mark's Bros. or anywhere else and talk shit about you. You should know that in your heart. I'm still here if you ever need to or want to talk to me directly...if not, then just stay out of my life. Please.