21 August, 2002 :: 2:46 p.m.
Well, it's been a week so I guess I should update. Yep, update...add a new entry filled full of exciting adventures or deep, serious thoughts...yep, I should do that...at the very least some humorous anecdote...
As wonderful as being content feels for my personal life, it sucks for writing. When there is no strife, I don't overwhelm myself with thoughts and thus, there is nothing much to add here.
Teri and I have been getting along great. Hannah and I have also been getting along really well and I've been fully enjoying myself. I feel like I can be open and talk to Teri about anything; I didn't have that feeling with Emily and I got to the point where, while I wasn't technically lying to her, I wasn't telling her everything that was on my mind because I never knew what was going to lead to a fight. It became easier just to not talk. Maybe it was wrong...not maybe, it was wrong...yet another sign that it was a relationship that went on too long or perhaps should not have been. All I know is the person I've been for the last year or so is not the person I was or the person I am now. I am myself again--many friends will attest to the fact that I am like the person they knew before...those that didn't know me before have still noticed a dramatic change.
There's nothing wrong with being different from the person you are with I suppose, if that's what makes you happy. For me, however, I need to be with someone that I feel like I mesh with. For a while it was great that Emily and I were different and we had a lot of fun--but our worlds were never going to mesh...she wanted her life and had it planned out and it didn't really go with what I want in life...I thought that maybe it did for a while or that I could adapt or change since I'm not completely sure what I want...but at some point it just started to feel like it was the wrong road...you take a road that you are supposed to take, but there's a turn and it's dark or you aren't paying attention like you should be and you miss the turn...you don't realize you missed it at first...then you keep driving and keep driving and suddenly you realize you are in the middle of nowhere and you aren't sure where you are or where you should have turned, but you know that you are on the wrong road. At first part of you says, "Keep going--maybe this will come out in a place you recognize and you can figure things out then...you don't really know where you were supposed to turn back there, so just keep going forward," but another part of you says, "we've got to get turned around...maybe we don't know exactly where we went wrong, but continuing on this path is definitely not the right choice." I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize; I'm sorry that I hurt Emily...but had I continued on that road it would have just led to both of us getting more lost and more hurt in the end. I am sorry that I dragged her along with me for so long...I can't make up for it, I can only choose to not make the same mistakes again.
I know that where I am right now is where I belong...I know that I am happy and I mesh with Teri and that things are good. We want a lot of the same things out of life, we've been through similar difficult times...we've both done things we regret and want to make a new start. I am content and I feel as though this relationship is where I belong, what I've been looking for. I've found the right path and now it's time to move forward again. [Editor's note: Hahahaha...it's official that I don't know shit and never will...but I'll occasionally fool myself into thinking I know what I'm doing (I make this comment after rereading this entry at a much later date)]