Trapped in a frozen image and some stray thoughts
30 October, 2002 :: 5:03 p.m.
We all judge people without really knowing them at some point or another...sure we like to think of ourselves as fair and open-minded, but we all see people and think we know their "types" without actually getting to know them. It's a normal thing and there is nothing wrong with it as long as you are willing to, if the situation arises, get to know the person and see who they really are. A lot of times you may find you were right, that they were an idiot--but sometimes people'll surprise you.
My friend Pat--I've probably mentioned before, but I thought he was a little punkass when I first saw him. Then we talked and I instantly liked him and realized we have a lot in common. As a general rule, I hate rednecks. Every once in a while I meet a redneck whom I can genuinely get along with despite our differences. As long as someone has a good sense of humor and a brain I think I can get along with them. And to my surprise I learned that not all rednecks are racists or homophobes!
What is this entry really about at its heart? When you develop an image of someone without really knowing them and then keep them trapped inside that image, it's wrong and it's unfair. Teri heard a bunch of shit about me and while yes, she was open-minded enough to give me a chance, she also kept all the shit she heard about me in the back of her head. When we lived apart it wasn't a problem; when we moved in together, suddenly every move I made was magnified and she was constantly on watch for warning signs that I was this horrible person she'd heard about.
So of course she found them. If you believe in aliens, you'll find proof they exist...same goes for God, same goes for ghosts, same goes for finding flaws in people. Even if you happent to have the same flaws yourself...it's always easier to point out someone else's problems than to look inward and see what's wrong. I have a temper and I let things slide until they build up too far and then I overreact to something stupid. I admit this and I've worked to improve it and I'm going to do more work to improve it. But no, I don't wake up smiling and happy--I know, fucking shocking, right?--but I keep to myself, drink my coffee and try to wait until I'm awake to have conversations. I don't fault anyone else for not waking up happy either...I don't even fault them if they wake up pissing and moaning and trying to start fights...I realize that in an hour things will be calmed down and back to normal. I don't assume that just because someone is sitting there without speaking that they are pissed off about something and I don't try to pick a fight with them over stupid shit and then go, "See, I knew you were pissed off about something!"
I think that I take too much shit from too many people. I realize people aren't perfect and people that I genuinely like, I try to focus on their positives and let the negatives slide. Yes, it pisses me off at the moment, but I don't harbor anger over every little skirmish I have with someone...I get pissed at the moment, usually ignore them until things are calm again and then I'm genuinely fine.
Back to the point though, I let people open up and develop when I'm around them. When someone discusses a problem they have with me and I agree that they have a point, I try to work at correcting the problem--but when I work to change something about myself and that person won't admit that there's been a change and wants to keep me trapped in an image that isn't me, I don't have time for that shit. I'm not perfect, but I try to be a good person...when someone wants to magnify insignificant things or make me out to be a horrible person, it pisses me off. It's unjust. But what can I do but move on?
So I'm truly single again, I guess, and this time for the first time in five years, I have no prospect. It's scary in a sense because there's that, "I'm never gonna find anyone else," but then it's also exciting. And I'll be living on my own hopefully. I prefer to find a place that I can afford myself, but there are a couple of prospective rommates at work should I need them and should I be able to find a place big enough to tolerate another person. We shall see I guess.
I had an instant physical crush on the girl who served Pat and I our drinks at the coffee shop over the weekend, but unfortunately I think she thought that we were gay. I'll have to make another trip up and see what's what with that. Not that I want a relationship with someone an hour away or a relationship at all right now...but I have to keep my senses in tune or I'll end up being single for three fucking years like another friend of mine. Of course looking at my last couple relationships, maybe I should take a cue from him.
The only person that I know now who I'd be interested in dating, I don't actually know. But I have what I believe is a good sense of her personality and think it would be a lot of fun. We seem to have a lot in common, but I almost wonder if it would be too much...For now, I'll just try to remember how to be single.