To be, or not to be...
07 November, 2002 :: 4:55 a.m.
I'm really not sure who I am. I realize that I'm not alone in this, but there must be people who know who they are, not everyone can be putting on an act...can they? I never feel like I'm acting, but it's odd to me how different people can bring out different sides to me, some of which conflicts with things that I thought I already knew about myself.
I used to think I was basically a good person who just fucked up once in a while, now I'm not sure. Maybe I'm really just an asshole who wants to believe that everything is everyone else's fault.
I'm not an asshole though...I'm sure of it... I genuinely feel bad when I hurt someone; I genuinely feel bad when I fuck up myself. I want to be someone that people can look to and if nothing else, at least think, "He's the real thing, an honest, good guy."
So why do I fuck up continually? This is totally just a free write...none of this was in me until my fingers hit the keys. Do I learn from my mistakes? Do I learn to listen to that voice of intuition? Have I learned when it's really him? Because he has an evil twin that sounds almost identical, but he gives out horrible advice...Freud would call him my id. Somebody's talking right now but I have to figure out who it is because what I'm hearing the voice say, if it were possible at all, would require major changes to my current situation in life and be a major risk--so far when I've jumped without looking, I've ended up in a gutter full of broken glass...not the way to be.
On to something else: Can you have a crush on just a personality? I know there are physical crushes and sometimes you can really think someone is achingly beautiful until you hear them speak and then it rips up the whole crush fantasy you had going. So if you can have a physical crush, then a crush on a personality must be equally possible.
On to something else: Pat is smitten and I'm really happy for him. At the same time, I look forard to the possibility of saying, "But Pat, remember when you said ______? Bet you wish you hadn't said that now, huh?" From what I'm hearing, it sounds possible, if not promising, and he's already starting to sound like a goober...so I'll be waiting to pounce should the opportunity arise--er, the opportunity to be a loyal and supportive, of course. Like I said, I'm all about being a good person and a really good friend.