15 November, 2002 :: 5:55 a.m.
I have had so many great entries lately...in my head. Then I sit at the computer and start to put them on this screen in front of me and halfway through they disappear. Very frustrating, like one part of me is trying to keep the rest of me from actually seeing what I've been thinking.
First, and solely for the benefit of the few readers that I actually know exist, I realize that I have left a couple of them confused--Teri and I are still together. Tomorrow she begins actually staying at her parents' house...where things go from there are unclear right now. The cards are stacked against us, but neither is ready to give up. Maybe it's stupid, maybe not. Time will tell and all that, I suppose. There is part of me that has seen the changes our relationship has undergone and wonders if we are as good a match as I once thought, but the thought of her not being in my life is something I can't face right now. I can't be sure what will happen between us, but I am sure that walking away and calling it quits doesn't feel right.
Next--I guess while on the topic of current girlfriend I should remember my ex. I was shocked and amazed several days ago to visit Em's profile page. She hasn't updated her diary in far too long (as long as she is done with the rants about what an asshole I am) since I happen to know she has a lot going on in her life right now. Anyway, she still has me listed under her favorite diaries. What shocked me was the comments she had there for me: This is one of the most underated minds of the 21st century, this guy can write his ass off and I am still saying that even though he is my ex and is not living up to his potential. My jaw dropped and I actually felt my eyes moisten. To know anybody would write something like that about you makes you feel pretty good (even if you think she is giving you waaaaaay too much credit); to know that you put someone through some real hell and heartbreak and she still would say that...I don't know what to say other than, if you read this Em, thank you. She's moved on and she seems content and the last few times we've talked we've actually gotten along. Sometimes life can confuse the hell out of you because I thought Char and I would definitely remain friends due to our long history and so much of it being (I thought) good; Emily and I had about as messy a break-up as two people can have and both still walk away from alive and we can actually talk and care about each other and hope for the other person's success and happiness. Em really seems happy now and I am glad to see her this way and wish her the best. Oh, and I can say that I definitely hope that we are able to remain friends and keep in touch.
Okay, I was going to move on to some other random stuff, but again it has left my head. At least I finally got this out since I've been meaning to mention it...