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An example of fuckwittage, maybe...
06 December, 2002 :: 3:55 a.m.

Wow.  Okay, Erin, I'm going against what I normally do for an entry...I'm typing this one up outside diaryland and then I'll post it...cuz me gots some thinkin' ta do now girl.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at your entry...I mean not laugh at the whole thing, but your ability to add humor to the dark spots--but I was feeling bad, so I didn't want to laugh...anyway, I'm not going to make you look like an asshole.  First I like you and second, I'm a guy and how am I gonna be able to make you look bad? 

You are asking the impossible...for one man to defend all men.  I mean I honestly don't expect one girl to shed light into all the dark corners of the minds of all women...I'm just hoping to at least see vague outlines of what lies back there in the shadows so I'm not always tripping and falling on my face. 

All I can do is give you my insights...people are asses...there are fucked up men and fucked up women...we all carry baggage that long ago we should have checked on to an airplane we had no intention of ever getting on...let it get lost in fucking Istanbul or somewhere.  Badly Drawn Boy has a great line on his new cd...I wrestled the octopus/ I came out with extra arms/ To carry your baggage

I'm not going to sit here and play the home version of the "Poor Me, I'm a Victim of Women" game.  I've made bad decisions and as a result my life is not where I thought it would be...this goes for relationships and all other life choices I can think of.  And by bad decisions, I do not mean bad people...I like all of the girls I've dated even if we've grown apart or they don't like me.  Yes, they've all had their characteristics that annoyed me and yes, at one time or another we had fights (some more than others), but none of them were bad girls...just things happened, we weren't right for each other, we let things go until we couldn't get them back...I don't know what to say.  I'm not taking all of the blame for any of the relationships ending, but I'm not putting all the blame on any of the girls that I've dated either.  If entries that I've made have made it seem like I am trying to blame the other person, that's not my intent.  I have tried to see things more clearly with the passage of time and own up to the things I did wrong. 

When I first graduated high school, I got myself a job at McDonald's.  Somewhere along the line, some four or five months after I got my job, they hired a girl named Tobiann.  She was...different.  She was sweet and she was cute, but she tried to hard to make people like wasn't really her fault either, it was due to her family moving around a lot so she was constantly picking up and having to try to make friends all over again...but like I said, she just tried too hard and she was just...different.  Anyway, most of the people at McDonald's picked up on her being different and started making fun of her (some to her face, some behind her back).  Tobiann took a liking to yours truly--why I don't know, it just happens that's how things worked out.  A lot of girls took a liking to me back then and I didn't understand it or know what to do about it because I was really awkward with talking to people (especially females) that I didn't know.  I wish I had that problem now (the girls liking me part) because now I'm better at forcing myself to talk to people (especially a girl, especially if I know she likes me), but now people think I'm the gay psychopath and avoid me.  Anyway, as I said before, Tobiann was a cute girl...add that to the fact that people were telling me she liked me and the fact that even I could pick up on that vibe as pathetic as I've always been at noticing (you might have even picked up on it, Pat--HaHa)...I started talking to her and getting to know her and I would walk her home if our shift ended at the same time because I lived in the same direction...Anyway, one night we were just talking as usual, we kissed, we started making out...stuff happened.  The next day she had a hickey on her neck (Damn and Oops--I hate hickeys, I hate leaving hickeys...particularly in noticeable spots like the neck--scratch marks, bite marks, I will carry these as badges of honor after a great night of sex; a hickey on the neck just screams immature, high school, maybe middle school to me...I dunno)...anyway, I had told her the night before that I didn't really know what had happened or what it meant between us, but we should keep it to ourselves until we figured it out.  The next day I no sooner get to work than I start hearing about her hickey and people giving me lots of grief and shit for it...I got mad because I found out she had gone right in to work and told several people it was from me--not the agreement we made!!!--so I denied it steadily and people believed me over her.  I then proceeded to ignore Tobi telling myself I was justified because she'd made things public before I was ready (I was never going to be ready, but I wasn't about to admit that to myself).  She finally waited something like three hours for me one day from the time her shift ended to the time mine did so that she could talk to me outside we started walking, me making no effort to help her keep up, she asked where we were at...I told her that we were at best "just friends" and that I didn't want to hang out with her for a while.  Tobi ended up quitting a few months later because they continued to give her grief for being different and while I didn't join in, I didn't stick up for her either.  She moved away without me ever getting to say good-bye (by this point I was starting to feel bad and to actually regret what I'd done).  Fast forward from '95 to 2001:  Char and I just ended...I was faced with the realization that while Char wasn't perfect, I had done plenty of fucking up myself and just let the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with slip out of my life.  This got me all nostalgic, as breaking up always does, and Tobi popped into my head for the first time in a long time.  I got curious, dug around on AOL and found her--living in Florida, the place she'd moved after she left here)!  I couldn't believe it.  I sent a brief e-mail to verify it was her and it was indeed.  I then proceeded to send her a very long letter mapping out everything and owning up to what an asshole I'd been to her and apologizing for it.  She sent me back an e-mail saying that it meant a lot to her that I did that and that she was amazed I even remembered her...she said that it had hurt her a lot at the time but it wasn't something that she still thought about--but she thanked me for taking the time to at least drop her a note and say that I was sorry. 

What the hell was the point of that you ask?  Fuck if I know.  All I know is I've never let what other's think of a girl I'm dating affect whether or not I like her or whether I stay with her or not.  I learned from it.  But I was still an asshole to Tobi even if it wasn't a life-scarring experience for her.  The point was she moved a lot, she wanted someone to be there for her and talk to her and I could have been that person and I shit on her just like everyone else did, only in a worse way.

After that I dated Jen...8 months, first time I thought I was "in love," we had fun but she was three years younger than me and still in high school and her parents were originally cool with me and then not cool with me and then hated me (she's the reason I'm working at wal-mart to this day...okay, she hasn't kept me there, but her dad was the manager, that's how I ended up where I'm at)...I learned from her to let my girlfriend have her space and not be jealous and try to monopolize her free time...yet again a lesson learned, yet again I learned it through being a jerk to someone. 

I had the audacity to be hurt by Jen ending things with when Jenny hooked me up with her niece Peggy, I just dated her because she was this hot, tiny little thing that took my mind off Jen and feeling sad.  We ended things after a little over a month.  I was nice to her, but I was just using her--I knew it, I didn't care, I got tired of her quickly even though she was pretty cool so I just started ignoring her until she called me one night and said she didn't want to see me again.  I never looked back.

There was just casual dating after this for a while.  Then Heather.  Beautiful, intelligent, funny as hell--lived in Georgia and I talked to her all the time, saw her little.  The last time I saw her was when I met her mom, her mom didn't like me, Heather acted cold toward me because she was nervous of showing affection to me in front of her mom...we decided that with the distance and everything, things wouldn't ever work out between us.  We still talk occasionally, I still think she is all the above mentioned things and much more, but we aren't even remotely close...we just talk briefly once or twice a year, catch each other up w/ condensed versions of what's been going on and then go back to our lives. 

Casual dating.

Char.  I think I've covered her enough for the time being.

Emily.  Ditto--except to say that I am glad we still talk and I do think despite the shit we went through that she's a good person and deserves happiness and success in this world.  And I learned how it feels to learn that for a year you've been using someone and hiding that fact as much from yourself as from them...maybe more so from yourself because she knew, just didn't want to see.  She put me through a lot of hell, but I did the same to her...and when we weren't putting each other through hell, we had some really great times and I learned things about myself like I can get up in a huge bar with lots of people in it and sing karaoke...not just once, but twice...and actually enjoy it and feel good about myself.  I hope she can look at the positives too, I hope we really do remain in touch and friends. 

Teri...still trying to figure this whole thing out...sure I'll get back to it.

I have made some mad fuck-ups in relationships.  I have acted the fool, I have acted like an asshole.  All I can say is that I try not to make the same mistakes over and over (Fortunately for me there are more ways for relationships to end than girls that will ever be willing to date me).  I have learned to be more open with girls and share my feelings, I have learned to give my trust unless they give me reason not to trust, to be honest with myself and with others, to take responsibility for my decisions and actions.  It's taking me a while but I do think I'm learning from all of this, I do still hold onto that (maybe idiotic) idea that there are girls out there who would be willing to give me a chance, that I will put everything I've learned to good use and finally show someone how much I love them...and find someone who realizes that I try to be a good man, I don't intentionally hurt others or fuck others over and that yeah, I've got flaws, but hopefully they can still love me for who I am underneath all of that.  Someone who can see through to my heart and say, "yeah, he's the one I want to be with.  I'm sure he'll make mistakes, but so will I and I'll stick by him while he learns because I know he'll stick by me."  Underneath my stubbornness, underneath my moodiness, I have a heart that will never give up on you unless you crush it to pieces under your heel and there's nothing I won't do for you. 

I don't know why I do the stupid things I do so I sure as hell don't know why other guys do.  One thing I know and I'm proud of...while yes, I do slip into guy mode and do stupid things (it's gotta be the penis even if the screw up has nothing to do with sex, it just has to be the penis that takes over when we do stupid things), but I am not a typical guy 90% of the time.  I'm willing to be open and honest and cry in front of you even though I hate feeling that weak and vulnerable.  I hate normal guys which is why I don't have more guy friends. 

Guys do stupid things because we have penises that are like magnets for opportunities to act like idiots.  I guess that's my conclusion after that long rambling mess of an entry that I don't think really responded to your entry, Erin.  I'm sorry if I couldn't be more help...but maybe the fact that there are girls like you out there and guys like Pat and I out there who want to try to understand one another, maybe one day the two sexes actually will be able to communicate in the same language--one will say something and it will actually mean what the other hears, not something completely different.  I can tell you one thing, Erin, I may be a stupid guy at times, but a girl willing to travel hundreds of miles to see me, that wouldn't be something I'd take lightly.  I wouldn't let someone take that trip if I didn't want to see them; I wouldn't blow them off if they did make the trip. I'd make sure that girl had the time of her life if she felt I was that important to come all that way to see me. So maybe I don't understand exactly why guys do stupid things anymore than I understand why girls do...all I can hope for is that one day we'll understand one another. I think the basics wants and needs are the same, it's all the day to day stuff that mucks things up. This probably in no way, shape or form was the response you were looking for, but it's what came from my fingertips after reading your I guess wherever it's coming from in me is the part that you stirred with your story...whether it answers any questions is doubtful, but hopefully you still get something out of it...can't imagine what that would be though because i'm not ready to go back and read this monstrosity yet.

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