Late night rambling...what else would you expect?
12 December, 2002 :: 12:14 a.m.
Okay, so I just read Booby's latest entry and it struck a chord and got me thinking about relationships.
We all know that every relationship we have has a finite length to it, we just don't know what that length will be. It depends on a lot...is this just somebody ringing up your order at wal-mart? Is this person going to be your server and bring you food and keep checking back with you? Is this somebody I'm just getting together with to study for a test? Is this somebody I feel myself being more and more drawn to talk to on a daily basis? Is this someone I've known for years and still get on with great and want to continue to get on with great? When is one of us going to die? If we move too far apart will we lose touch? You get the idea...I've carried that more than far enough...
And then with the internet it adds a new layer of friendships and/or acquaintances. Some people you may bump into through sheer chance either in a chat room or one of you sees the other's profile and you send an e-mail--that in itself could result in nothing, a pen pal relationship, or you could start talking online regularly, you could start talking on the phone, you could arrange to meet... Tons of possibilities.
I was not close to people in high school. For the most part this was by design because I didn't care for many of the people and I didn't want to get to know them better or do things outside of school with them. But then I had a few friends that I talked to daily and occasionally got together with outside school...now I'm not in touch with any of them. Chad invited me to his wedding this past September and I didn't make it because I got weekends mixed up; Karl I last saw two New Year's Eves ago and had a good time chatting and drinking with, Alex I get a Christmas card from every year and always tell myself I'll get back to him this time and don't. I just got this year's a few days ago...so of course I've made that little declaration to myself that this will be the year...but in reality I'm not close to any of these guys anymore and I probably never will be again...we had our moment, it was high school, and that moment has long since ended. Al and I extended ours by working at McDonald's together and getting together whenever he was home from Pitt, but now he's graduated and has real responsiblities.
Chuck will always be a friend will always be one of my very best friends. We go months without talking, but we know we will talk again and we know we will pick up right where we left off. It's been that way for so long that it doesn't feel awkward at all to pick up the phone or chat with him online or get together for a weekend even if we haven't talked for 5 or 6 months.
Pat is my best friend that I get to hang out with fairly regularly (with Chuck being best friend by length of time I've known him and how much we've shared in each other's lives). Pat and I have the relationship I always wanted with one of my younger brothers, but you can't pick your relatives so thankfully I have Pat. I feel a bond with him as strong as blood and I love hanging out with him and talking to him. I hate the ends of semesters of school mainly for the fact that I won't see Pat again until the next semester. I've got life experience so he looks to me for advice; he's got the optimism and faith that I lack and he's usually funny as hell so I turn to him when I feel like shit and need someone to pick me back up. We both give and we both take and I can't imagine him ever not being there for me to talk to--at least by phone. But it scares me that I don't know what either of us will do after school and by simple geography we may not see each other.
Then we get back to online. Erin is one of the coolest people I've ever met online and I'd like to think that we'd get along great in person too, but you never know, do you? I mean I wouldn't pass up the chance to meet her simply because I'd be afraid of not hitting it off in person, but it's weird...there are people I talk to every night at work and get along with, but I've avoided talking to any of them online because I don't know what the hell to say. And the same could work in reverse, I could meet someone that I met online and be clueless as to what to say to them. I don't think that in this case it would happen, but I know that Erin said she can be shy and not very talkative, and I know that I can be that way, so... And of course I wonder about how long it will last...I've met a few others online before and lost touch or just stopped talking to them eventually. This is a little different because even if Erin and I don't talk for a while, we can still read each other's diaries and see what the other is up to. (And I'm not avoiding you or not wanting to talk to you lately when I see you online, Erin, but I'm choosing not to be a distraction--I know that there are plenty of other things to distract you--while you finish up papers and study for finals.)...That and I always have the same problem online as I do in person, that I'm willig to talk, but hate to start a conversation because I'm always like, "what if they don't want to talk to me?"--That's why I love the fact that I know if Pat wants to talk when I sign on because I get a big "HeyHey!" from him
But why am I even doing this, why worry about when a relationship ends? Why worry if I'll know someone the rest of my life or stop talking to them next week? Why not just enjoy the time and the conversations that I do have with them because that is afterall one of the most important things to me...good conversations. Whether it's sitting around sharing a few drinks, whether it's while we're driving somewhere together, whether it's by phone or in the middle of the night on AIM, I love a good conversation and I value them all. Words are one of the most important things to me...that's why I pick music not just for how the instruments sound, but I like to be able to hear and understand the lyrics. There are times where I just want noise so I have stuff that fits that category, but I like most of the time to focus on the lyrics. That's why I always need to have a book that I'm working on. That's why when I'm online and no one else is, I sift through diaries looking for words of others that strike me...or put my own thoughts in here. And I just type and type like I did right now and feel like I lost my way and then I stop typing.