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13 December, 2002 :: 2:58 a.m.

I'm semi-drunk so even though I feel like I have a lot to say, I don't feel like tying due to mistakes that I would make, but this song is a lot of how I'm feeling right now:

The Posies: Any Other Way

She dropped my hand and said, "I will go no further"

I dropped my head and hid my tears with laughter

(You know that) life's never been a great mystery to me

It begins, then crawls slowly to the end

And I've no problems if you wish to join my views

Just add your name to the list of superficial friends

It (funny how these things work)

All seemed like it was too good to be true

It (funny now it's always your fault)

Was and soon it came time to play my dues

So came the day when she had had enough

She kept home and I wasn't asked to stay

She said, "you don't have to blame yourself, you know"

But I wouldn't have it any other way

I wouldn't have it any other way

Don't feed the hand that bites you

Just learn to starve

Don't fight for change in your time

Just swallow your depression

And say you're happy that it's rotten out today

And who wouldn't have it any other way

No, you wouldn't have it any other way

She left me alone, claiming we'd run out of things to fight about

I was crushed of course, but at least I've something I can write about

I guess I'm just some kind of malcontent

Who gets paid for having nothing good to say

And even though it doesn't pay the rent

You know I wouldn't have it any other way

I wouldn't have it any other way

I wouldn't have it any other way

I wouldn't have it any other way

I wouldn't have it any other way

Teri is confusing the hell out of me lately. We broke up...her e-mails were really negative at first, then slowly started to soften in tone, then went to, "I miss you; I miss us." So we went out last Saturday night and we came back here and had sex--multiple times before she left Sunday afternoon. Everything seemed really cool between us and we continued talking. She asked if I wanted to get together with her and go out for a drink after she was done with work tonight and I said yeah (this was a couple of days ago), then last night she said she wanted to see me, but not go out...again I said okay. Then today I hadn't heard from her and I was supposed to meet her at was 10 and I call tonight and she's like I don't really feel like hanging out. SWEET! I went out sledding for several hours with Josh and Aaron and then took a nap thinking I was going to see her...but no. So what do I do? Go out and get pissed at the Marx Brothers...yeah, the college bar that I don't really care for. But oh well. I feel a littl better now and I'm not trying to go over everything the last few days and figure out what changed that she doesn't want to hang's not just tonight though. I couldn't make it to work last night due to shitty weather, so I got online and she was on...tried talking to her and I get, "I'm talking to Amy right now, can I talk to you in like half an hour?" So I'm like, "sure, no problem." Then she signs off like 45 minutes later and signs back on later explaining that Hannah got up and she fell asleep putting her back to bed...when she got up her mom was on computer. So she signs on, tells me that and then as I start to talk to her, she says she's tired and gonna go to bed. Then why the hell did she sign back on? I wasn't worrying last night when she disappeared, but when she signed back on but didn't want to talk, that made me wonder...then I don't I getting fucked around? I wish I knew. I called back to say, "Hey it's cool if you don't want to get together but are you gonna be online?" She said she wouldn't get out until after 11 (when she's scheduled to) but she was already gone at qaurter til 11, or so whoever picked up the phone in layaway told either she was there and avoiding my call or she split early after telling me an hour earlier that she wouldn't get out until after she was scheduled to be done...WTF? I still have feelings for her, obviously, or I wouldn't even bother with this, but I thought she still had feelings for me too--thought we might work things out. Apparently I was wrong. But am I being used or is she confused or what the hell is going on? The rest of the Posies album has lyrics jumping out at me, but "Any Other Way" just feels so right right now. That and "Same Boy You Always Knew" by The White Stripes...that's a great song too. Oh, and the cover of "I am the Cosmos" by the Posies as well...the end is perfect with the back and forth between, "I really wanna see you again," and, "I never wanna see you again." I so know how that feels...I'm sure plenty of others do as well.

So many other songs would work as well, but I think I'll stick to what I've got here for now...I need nicotine...and more alchohol...okay, I need neither, but when you get depressed, you really don't care about the potetial negative effects of these things...just that they comfort you for a little bit...

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