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16 December, 2002 :: 12:05 p.m.

Can I just say that if memory serves I started the last entry with something to the effect of "I'm going to be alone forever" (what you thought I actually read the shit I write? okay, i do, but I'm not going to right now)...I would just like to make it clear that at this point, I don't care. It's that I know me well enough to know that in a few months I'm gonna care...maybe a few weeks, I just know at some point and probably on more than one occasion huge bouts of depression will take residence inside me and I will simultaneously revel in it and wonder when the hell I'll stop feeling like that. Can Depression be Addiction? I think so. That was a major problem by the end of year two/going into year three with Char--I had for the first time in my life been happy for almost all of that time. I had gotten used to depression setting in with Fall and Winter...those seasons signaled the return of an old friend coming back to visit and then after so long you get tired of his/her company and can't wait for them to leave again. Then as soon as (s)he is gone, you miss him/her.

:::tangent alert:::

For anyone who hasn't done so, you need to read Written On the Body...that whole "(s)he" thing brought that to mind...try writing a paper about the fucking narrator for that book without using (s)he

:::leaving tangent:::

Anyway, I got to the point where I didn't feel whole because it had been so long since I'd had a good, solid, bout of depression. I know this sounds stupid, that I was unhappy being happy, but I was... But man, when it ended...wooo...exquisite pain that was. There were so many songs that could leave me a snivelling I hear those songs and maybe they're still sad, but they don't do that to me anymore and it's sad that I can't surrended to that song and those emotions again...but good too..."The Dance" is the one can hate frigging country music all you want, and I do hate most of it and the stuff I don't hate I pretty much just learned to tolerate--but that song just has a power over me. I guess it always will.

Shit, gotta finish this later...

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