Fragnabbit--how come that's not in the dictionary?
18 December, 2002 :: 5:09 p.m.
Fuck, FUck, Fuck, Fuckity Fuck...
I just had a long-ass e-mail written to Teri and it disappeared into oblivion. It said everything that I felt I needed to say and now I'm spent and can't rewrite it.
I'm so sick of her acting like I'm some huge asshole who put her through a bunch of shit. I gave her my time, my effort, my money...whatever she needed and never asked for anything in return except her putting her time and effort into our relationship as well. Her last boyfriend before me cut her hair one night with a knife--I never so much as verbally threatened her. The guy before that whom she was talking of uprooting her life and heading to Texas with ended up still being married and his wife was pregnant to boot. I was faithful and truthful to her. She went on a sorta date with some guy without telling me, "Hey, yes, it really is over." But was upset that I went out Saturday night and that I hung out with Emily last night. Readers of my diary for any length of time are saying, "YOU WHAT???" Yes, I did...just as friends and we had a great time catching up and talking. I didn't tell Teri who I was with because she wouldn't tell me who she was with (stupid little game, I know, but damn it, it pissed me off). I know Teri and I aren't right for each other...it is clear now that while she has some great qualities and we had some great times, that she has a lot of reflecting inward on herself and who she is and what she wants to do and I don't think she'll take the time for it anytime soon or maybe ever. She just wants to cling from one guy to the next to have someone there when she needs them, but the rest of the time you better let her do what the hell she wants and you better not do anything without checking first. I knew this would end ugly...but I'm sick of her acting like I'm the worst person she's ever met, with her even lumping me with these last two assholes she dated. She acts like the world does nothing but dump on her and only her. Yeah, I feel like sometimes I get a load of unscheduled garbage dumped on me, garbage that surely must have been meant of the landfill of someone else's soul, not mine, but I do realize that no matter what I go through either someone has been through it before or been through worse. So I bitch and maybe feel bad for myself, but I dust myself off and keep moving forward.
Emily and I went through some fucked up times, but in the end we are friends. It was so nice to be able to hang out with her and just talk and buy each other used cds for christmas (I got her Mary J. Blige's last one--one that I'll have to copy and burn if I ever get a computer of my own; she got me The Sundays which I had disappointed myself by not picking up last time round)...we played the world's longest game of chess over cups of coffee and just talked about life and what's going on and we were truly friends and it was great because she of all my exes (not like I've got a ton of 'em, just she's not the one I expected) is the one I can be friends with. I got to see our old apartment and it was depressing in a way to see the changes, the signs of the new boyfriend...but I still know that I did us both a favor by saying, "No more." We've gone far enough as a couple, put each other through enough...now she can listen to me and I can listen to her as we talk about new relationships, or newly being single in my case now. There is no fix to Teri and I, I knew this and I was trying to ignore it...but I give myself credit for owning up to it faster this time...maybe I am slowly learning.
Em chopped her hair...it looks really good on her, but it was so different. I've let my hair grow just enough so that I can't say my head is shaved and now she's chopped hers--our new looks just kind of fit with our new relationship. And I may not be comfortable saying I believe in God because that name has Christian connotations, but as I've said before, I do believe in a higher power, more to reality than the physical plane and I do believe in Karma. Em's going through what I went through after Char...still loving Char, part of me still wanting to be with her and part of me finding myself in a new relationship and trying to get my head and heart to come to terms. She's seeing my side of things now...and I'm seeing hers...I was devoting myself to not making past mistakes, to making sure things went well with Teri...she was still hung up on her ex husband and a tons of other baggage. That makes me smile and think of that Badly Drawn Boy song which feels like maybe I already put in here a while ago, but oh well..."I've wrestled the octopus/ I came out with extra arms/ to carry your baggage..." I would have had to wrestle more than one octopus to carry Teri's baggage for her and quite frankly it it wasn't worth the energy I would have spent.
So I'm single...really, really single even though I already thought I was before. I have shit to do and maybe now I can concentrate on it. Then I can sink back into depression, let that friend come and comfort me for a while and then kick his ass to the curb a while later and start anew.
I suppose I should mention that Teri's "last straw" for me was a burn I did a few weeks ago that she learned of the weekend we got together. She says that I'm seriously fucked in the head and all sorts of other stuff I am blanking on now. It was a nasty burn, not what I intended...but it wasn't made in the throws of depression, it wasn't some overwhelming feeling that I couldn't control...it was a conscious decision to feel it one more time, to remember that part of me...and it's done...I've never not been able to control it,just when I did it a lot, I didn't care about myself or what anyone else thought. I know now that people assume you are a demented freak if you do it and I'm not going to go into the whole, but what about body piercing and tattoos because I did that before. So I did it, and it's done, but she still would have me have "Beware of FREAK!" tattooed on my head so no one gets involved with me ever again. Yes, someday I will meet someone and they will want to know about the scars on my arms and I'll have to see that look of repulsion in their eyes...joy. Hopefully they can see beyond that though and see me.