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21 December, 2002 :: 4:21 p.m.

Okay, yes, I am sometimes the supreme idiot of the universe. I have something in me that once I get close to someone, I can't let them go...I don't want things to end, don't want them to hate me. Why? I honestly don't care what most people think of me because they don't actually know me, but once someone does get to know me, suddenly their opinion matters and I do things that make me look back afterwards and say "Why did I do that?" I never let go, always think things can be worked out even when I know they can't.

Thursday night I did indeed go to walmart to meet Amber. I ran into Tara in the parking lot and she said she was looking forward to us all going out and she was running home to get something to eat and get cleaned up. I walked in a talked to Amber for a bit, then wandered over to housewares to see how Deb was making out. I then made that decision that later on you think, "was that the best decision I could have made?" I had Teri's driver's license from a couple weeks back when we went out. I found it in the back pocket of my jeans and kept forgetting to take it to work and drop it off. I had it with me...I used that as an excuse to go back and see her...we began talking...I walked her to her car...I ended up leaving with her, having sex and then finally making it to the bar where Tara and Amber immediately went, "I bet you were doing more than talking to her..." "Oh my God! Look at his face, they did!"

I still don't know if this was a good thing or not. I told Teri last night at work that I may end up moving back to my old apartment building and living downstairs from Emily. I didn't expect this to go over well and it didn't. I also told her that I consider Emily a friend--THAT went over even better. She told me that I'm obviously interested in getting back together with Emily and there's no way Emily and I could be hanging out together unless I want to fuck her or already am fucking her. EEEWWWWWWWWWW--and no, I don't mean that to be disrespectful to Emily, I mean she's pregnant with her boyfriend's child. Yuck...First of all, I may be stupid, but I am not a sleaze ball. Secondly, I don't care if it's Ashley Judd, I'm not sleeping with her if she's pregnant with another man's child. Sleeping with a woman pregnant with my child? Fine. Sleeping with a woman pregnant by another man? Oh hell no.

Anyway, Teri told me that I could choose between her a Emily. Now at this point, yes, I do still have feelings for Teri; yes, I did just sleep with her again which stirred everything back up again...but I will be damned if someone is going to make me choose between them and someone else, especially giving me an ultimatum like that when things between us have been so yo-yoish lately. How do you have the balls to say, "Pick one," and expect to be the one I pick under these circumstances? I told her that I don't let people tell me which people I'm allowed to be friends with--that was one of the problems between Emily and me. Anyway, Teri said she'd make the decision for me, we were done (again). I walked away and she starts talking to Josh about all of this...Tara walks up to me as she's leaving and asks why Teri is pissed at her. I tell Tara that Teri is pissed at me, not her and I start to explain...Teri comes around the corner and starts yelling at us for talking about her! (but it was okay for her to talk to Josh about it!...Josh, who is supposed to be one of my friends who Teri doesn't even know that well; Josh who almost got himself decked last night because he twice butted in knowing that Teri and I were having a serious conversation)

Anyway, Teri and I talked a little more, and I really just don't agree with some of her beliefs about exes. According to her, it isn't okay to be friends with an ex...but she wanted to be friends with me...when I called her on this, she said, "well yeah, but neither one of us was seeing anyone else"--again I say !?!?!?. So she apparently just wanted to be friends with me until she found someone else, then maybe if they broke up she'd want to be friends again...

BUT, I may have finally broken through to her...she kept trying to make it sound like I was this horrible person last night, that I always made her feel bad (how do things like, "You look really beautiful," or "I don't care what we do, I just want to spend the day with you" make someone feel bad about themself?) I admit to not always being in the best mood, I admit that I wasn't always saying nice things like that...but WAY more often than not, the things I said to her were of the above type. Anyway, this morning there was an e-mail saying she'd done a lot of thinking about the way she treated me while we lived together and since then and she was sorry and wanted to work on get back to being the person that I knew when we met and the person that I let myself love. We are talking tonight and tonight things will be laid out and things will be decided once and for all. I do love Teri and if she is serious that's fine, but there are things I'm going to say which may make up her mind for her:

1) I called Dr. Barber today after looking at the other shithole apartment and told him I want to move into my old apartment building. This means Emily and I will be neighbors.

2) I can respect her feelings and understand her being nervous about Emily and I being friends, but I don't do well with people telling me I'm not allowed to be friends with someone. I won't turn my back on Emily.

3) I will not stay in this area after college. This actually may be the biggest sticking point...when Teri and I first met, she talked of wanting to move out of the area, now she talks of wanting a house and to settle down and her family is here. I can't stay in this area...I can't. I mean if I knew it were for a certain amount of time, sure...but not for life, not with no plans to go anywhere else. I love the country here, it's beautiful...but the ocean has always had a pull on me, I've ALWAYS wanted to live where I can get to the ocean easily and this area is death for jobs and careers. I can't and won't do it. Come back for visits? You bet, like I said, it's beautiful...but that's it, only visits.

So we'll see what this discussion leads to.

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