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better by far
29 December, 2002 :: 2:06 p.m.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I'm almost to the point where I can start acting senile and people will buy it...then I can get away with doing all that shit old people get away with. Why do people defend the elderly when it comes to them saying and doing offensive things? Not that I'm complaining now that I'm almost at the point where it'll be my turn to get away with grabbing girls and saying offensive things.

Ah, but anyway I get to work tonight...which is good because last year was the whole, "oh yeah? well then I'll just step out of this car as it zips down the highway" I can avoid doing anything to try and top that. Cos anything that tops that might be something I don't make it back in front of computer to log in here. Besides I have New Year's Eve off and there's the chance to do something stupid then on a totally different night and not feel like it has to be in competition with, Happy Fucking Birthday to me...

A lot has happened since that entry...Char and I no longer talk at all, she doesn't even live around here. And while I was sort of sad to see her go, it's been the best thing in the world for me to be able to live my life without the awkwardness of running into her (please don't be up here for new year's, please don't be up here for new year's). It's really helped me heal. And may the next girl I date no nothing of Char because Teri still swears that I want Char back...I don't talk about her, not once did I ever bring her up. The only times she was mentioned were at the beginning when Teri and I were talking to each other about past relationships and when Teri mentioned her. I regret that Char and I can't be friends, or at least I did regret it, but even some of her friends from around here don't recognize the person she's become now, so it's not just me. I don't want anything to do with the new model. But I'm glad that, drunk or no, I got to get all that shit off my chest last year before we stopped talking. I know the reason it upset her so much was because I struck a nerve and she thought she had hidden them all away. She didn't want anyone else hearing that she fucked me back in November after she had told me she was in love with Ryan and they were talking of marriage. Didn't want me making her look at herself and their relationship.

I've done stupid shit and will do more stupid shit, but I don't try to hide it anymore. There's no point. It all catches up with you sooner or later.

Don't know what's going on with Em...I e-mailed her and she didn't respond. She called today for my mom and at first sounded like she didn't want to talk to me, then got all chatty...but strictly about her and Brad and getting ready for the baby. So I don't know if she made her choice and we're done or what. It's nice though...she always bitched that I didn't stand up for her (even though I did) and then when I do it so she can see it and I put even more turmoil into trying to work things out with Teri because I refused to stop being friends with Emily, she says, thanks for sticking up for me, but don't expect the same from me...sweet. Yes, I fucked up and I dragged her through some shit...but I dealt with a lot of her shit too...I'm not just like, oh well, fuck you. Maybe I should've done that, maybe it'll prove to be a mistake living below her...we'll see. All I want is to be back in school, get that part of my identity back and spend time with friends and get back to enjoying life. Yes, I've always been a pessimist (it was 6th or 7th grade when I came up with my Gaea Hypothesis all on my own--only to discover that some damn scientists back in the early 1960s had done it first. BASTARDS!). I think humans have a tremendous amount of potential, but that they will extinguish themselves long before they ever reach it. But hey, at least there were musicians...that's where you can feel all of the possibilities of the human race and be infinite living inside the words and the sounds. Then there's math and shit which I'm sure is great if you have a knack for it, but I do not.

I'm killing myself softly with sleep deprivation (maybe not so softly if I hallucinate or sleep while driving to work tonight). I missed my little window of sleep opportunity for now...I'm sure in a couple hours I'll have another one...and I'm not complaining...had great 3 hour phone conversation with Pat last night that did way for my spirits and soul than sleep could have...then several hour conversation with Erin this morning and Alicia shortly thereafter. All of that was much better than the best sleep I've ever had. Chuck's the only one missing from the party...but actually I talked to him yesterday morning, so I suppose we're covered even if he doesn't show today. But knowing him he'll wait til I find that little pocket of sleep that's my very own and just as I prepare to hop in, he'll show up ready to talk. It's my birthday and I'll chat all day if I want to...or something like that.

Gonna wrap this up although I didn't cover 1/4 of what I intended to cover...bought myself two presents this morning...finally picked up the 12 Monkeys DVD which I'm excited about because I've been wanting to watch it again for a looong time now (that's just what I need while sleep deprived...actually maybe it'll make complete sense to me all the way through)...and I picked up Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, the story of The Gong Show host Chuck Barris who claims to have been a CIA agent...I've been curious since I heard about it and figured it was time to check it out. Would've picked up some music, but walmart is a shitty place to get cd's...I'm sorry, but we carry all sorts of fucked up movies, magazines and whatever else, music should not EVER be censored...even skinhead music--granted the people making it should all be shot in the kneecaps and then slowly worked over until dead, but you don't have to listen to the shitty music they have the option to listen or not...grow the fuck up. And before anyone gets a misconception, no, walmart doesn't sell skinhead music that I am aware of...I was just reaching for a genre that I personally find distasteful, shitty, worthless--but I don't have to listen to it, do I? No, so I don't. I really want the new Nas cd God's Son as well as his The Lost Tapes since he's one of the only rappers lately to be putting out solid albums. Then Petey Pablo has a new one I'm hoping is good, still haven't gotten the Jurassic 5 disc or The Roots newest...and that's just some of the rap...there are a bajillion cd's I'd like to own that I don't currently...and more that I'd want if I knew they existed. Between books and music and movies, I don't have time to die because I can't ever get caught up on what I want to own. Well I'm off to spend a little bit of my birthday not sitting in front of computer or working...even if I will probably just sit on my ass and watch movie til Dream lulls me into his realm--quick note:some of the most vivid and bizarre dreams I've ever had came while sleeping with his comic either in my hands or resting on my face/chest...kinda scary coincidence.

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