Beginning of a new...
31 December, 2002 :: 7:55 p.m.
It's funny, I talked to Teri and it wasn't because I wanted to get back with her, it's that for some reason when a relationship ends, I have to know the reasons. Just, "I don't think it's going to work," isn't good enough. It is so fucked up...I broke up with Teri on Thanksgiving (you should always end things with a girl on a major holiday...gives you a landmark to remember it each year after) and I was fine, happy, barely thought anything about it because it was MY decision. Then we sleep together and I let her talk me into getting back together and for the next couple of weeks, we barely talk to each other and only actually get together once and then right after Christmas she ends things...and this fucks me up. Why did she waste my time, why did she ask to get back and then put no effort into us actually being together and end things? So this is what I was talking to her about the other day and she starts thinking I want to get back together and starts talking down to me like, "well, maybe that's what you want, but not me...you're just going to have to accept it's over..." not those exact words, but that general feeling. I was like, "Wait, no...I'm not trying to get back together with you. I broke up with you, you are the one that asked to get back together, I gave you a chance and you acted just like before, acting like I didn't exist unless I was right in front of you...I don't want you back; I want to know why you wasted my time and fucked with my head the last few weeks." See I don't want her back, we aren't good as a couple because she puts no effort in and blames me for everything...I'm not perfect, but this time it's NOT MY FAULT. I am walking away from this one knowing that I tried my best and did things right. I was honest, supportive, caring, tried to keep communication open between us...tried basically to learn from my past mistakes...but she put nothing back in. And I know if I said that to her (because I said almost that the night we broke up) she'd respond with, "I did love you, I slept with you didn't I?" THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FINAL WARNING SIGN! I should have gone, "Wait, what did you just say? Sex does not equate with love or putting all of yourself into a relationship." I should have walked away and stayed away. And now I'm battling to not be bitter toward her. Part of me wants to fire a letter out into the net where I can't get it back when I think about it and regret it and just tell her what I think of that part of her personality, tell her everything I think is wrong with her (since she never hesitated to tell me what I needed to work on). Then the other part of me wants to keep things friendly between us because the other part of her, the part I got to know first, is still a lot of fun and even last night at work we were laughing and joking with each other and it was fun. But when she walked away I went right back to thinking how self-centered she is and how much it pisses me off that she convinced me to come back and then ditched me without so much as a real talk about where we kept slipping up. When I told her on the phone that I was making attempts to have a better relationship with her and talk about things and she kept avoiding real talks and put no effort into working on what was wrong, she was just like, "Yeah, so? It's over." Well no kidding it's over and I'm glad it is, I just should have stuck to my fucking guns and not felt bad that she was crying that night and telling me how much she missed me and wanted to get back to the way things started. But it's a mistake I made and it'll take a little time to get over the bitterness, but I know that I'll be okay. I'm starting a new life in a new apartment by MYSELF and it'll be good. With a little bit of luck on my side, I'll be in school this semester and it'll be a whole new thang. No distractions of a living with someone else. Hopefully I'll get my QPA heading back in the right direction; hopefully I'll get back to feeling like myself and maybe find things that have been forgotten inside of 5 years of 3 relationships with no breaks. So yes, my friends, take bets on how long I stick to what I say this time...it's A-Ok...I won't be offended. Part of me is wanting to jump right in there and make a bet too. Chuck got in touch with me so I'm gonna go get ready to meet him...so glad I'll have company because it was kind of depressing to be planning on being out alone on New Year's. I was ok with it, but this is much better. Pat, can't wait for the new year to start and for new adventures to begin. Erin, you've helped keep me grounded. I love the fact that you don't let me get away with feeling sorry for myself and it's been great getting to know you and share so many late night-early morning conversations. I will be online in new apartment within a week or so, I hope...so have no fear that they will continue...or be warned, or something. Allie, it's also been great getting to know you, to feel like there's someone else out there who can sort of relate to those times when I slip and start feeling bad about myself. And if you can keep your head up, I can too. Be strong and do what you need to do FOR YOURSELF in this new year. Time for some new beginnings... Beaver, stop reading this without my permission--but happy New Year just the same. And to anyone else, hope this new year is full of fun and laughter and true enjoyment for the important things like great friends. I make no resolutions (only one I ever stuck to was 5 years ago when I resolved to start smoking--still going strong!). But I hope that I will remember to take nothing for granted, to seize opportunities, to know that occasionally it's okay to enjoy feeling down, but to remember not to get stuck in it. I will doubt myself again, I will make mistakes, I will be human...I'll try to remember that it's all okay...it's just life...
May we all have a chance to feel infinite in the new year...
One last thing I will add to remind myself...lyrics to "Throwaway" by The Posies (just gonna copy and paste from a place with lyrics and trust, for now, that they are right):
I remember giving up the gory details
And it left me tongue-tied (such an elementary sickness)
Now I don't want to think and I don't want to feel
I wasn't aware that this was part of the deal
When I put my finger on a greater expectation
But just my luck, I lack the patience of a statesman
And all of my language will fail to convey
That I'm terribly twisted around what I say
And the message I threw away
I don't have it now
I don't have it now
I don't have it now
I don't have it now
So I keep hiding and it only grows to hurt me
But time is wasting and I'm watching it desert me
I'm digging a hole and I'm making it deep
And I'm starting to question the hours that I keep
And the answer that I put to sleep
I don't have it now
I don't have it now
I don't have it now
I don't have it now
And so I'm writing with the hope that someone's reading
For all to likely runs the risk of me repeating
But I don't have the guts to prevent the decay
And I'm terribly twisted around what I say
And the courage that I threw away
I don't have it now
I don't have it now
I don't have it now
I don't have it now
That's the song...I'm getting it back though and I'm going to try to keep it this time...