Once again back is the incredible...I gotta stop disappearing, so I can stop using that line...but I love that line...Rakim rocks
18 January, 2003 :: 10:42 a.m.
With luck I will be back online from the Fortress by tomorrow...it'll be nice because then I'll finally be able to talk to people since nobody seems to be able to find their way to my place to visit...I may have to go on a ramen diet for a few weeks, months, whatever, but at least I'll have some sort of fucking connection with the world again. I wanted so badly to get online and write last night, and I couldn't because the fucking library at the school closes at 4...4 fucking o'clock! Because no goddamn Mansfield student would be caught dead in a library on a Friday night...yes, we all lead such exciting lives.
On a completely separate note from above...I think that one more person is about to show me why I should be much more wary about putting trust in people. Of course I really shouldn't feign shock since if I had an ounce of sense in this department I would have listened to my gut a while back and not even be in a situation like this. Like KidE, my gut is often right. I know this, I know when something feels wrong and when it comes to putting trust in someone, I ignore it. Stupid. How can someone dislike 99% of the human beings he's met and still be optimistic and want to expect the best from those he gets to know? I know that the people I've met who I can trust are few and far between and yet I meet someone new and start talking to them and they seem genuinely interested in getting to know me and I think, why the fuck would he/she lie about themselves to me? We barely know each other and there's nothing to be gained by lying but a lot to be lost if the truth comes out later...so I put my trust in them and they break it...and I think, "Wwell, it wasn't all that big a deal," so I overlook it and then they break my trust again and I think, "Well, no one is perfect." And then finally they fuck me over and make it so obvious that I can't in good conscience keep lying to myself and finally have to admit that they are a punk-ass and need to be cast aside...and then I fucking feel bad!...why the fuck should I be the one to feel bad? Anyway...I think someone thinks they are pulling one over on me and I plan to confront this person and find out...Oh, and on top of this person that I know in real life who may be playing games, I find out that my gut was right yet again...this time with someone online...I stumbled across a diary a while back, I started reading and thought it was good, clever, funny...then he erased it, a short time later, "his niece" posted an entry for him saying that he died in a car accident...I don't know how I knew exactly since I don't actually know this person and he fooled a lot of people, but I knew it was a hoax...and sure enough...I realize that in this world of online diaries there can be liars just as there are in the real world...but yet again, what the fuck is the point of lying to an anonymous crowd...I mean if you want to use this as a place for creative writing, say that's what you are doing and ask for fucking feedback, but if you're gonna sit and write about yourself, be truthful, otherwise what the fuck is the point...I'm not making myself look like schmuck in this thing for the amusement of others, it's for self first...if other people get a laugh or take something I say to heart fantastic...when the day comes when I stop this, it'll either be because I want to or because I really did die, not because I'm pathetic enough to fake my own death for a crowd of strangers.
Anyway, with any luck, the next entry should be my first from the Fortress...