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I need a video store clerk...
23 January, 2003 :: 7:41 a.m.

Okay, I started this entry yesterday during a break in reading Blake for Brit Lit…I’ve read most of the stuff before, so I was just brushing up…then I decided at about 9:30 I had half an hour before I needed to jump in the shower and get ready for class. Okay, so I walk in the bedroom to get my book and…I wake up at 4:00 or something like that—is that fucking healthy??? I’m serious, I don’t remember sitting on the bed, grabbing my book, nothing…I remember walking in there and then, nothing. So when I wake up at around 4-4:30, I am all disoriented because I realize that—fucking great—I’ve now missed 2 out of 3 Brit Lit classes. Yay! And of course it kind of weirds me out that I was so exhausted that I straight passed out…but what do I do? Roll over and go back to sleep of course and wake up a little before 7—my night class started at 6:30. So I’m doing hella good so far this semester…haven’t even bought book for art online, missed 2 of 3 Brit Lits, 1 of 2 philosophy of law classes. The only one I’m keeping up with is Emerson/Fuller and I think that’s because I’m so scared of doing badly in there. But seriously, straight passing out with no memory of even hitting the bed is not cool. But on with the unfinished entry—

First off I have a huge...no, that's not right...I was gonna say crush, but it ain't no crush. A crush, at least to me, has to be based on more than looks and a couple minutes of chatting with someone...you have to actually kinda get to know them to have a crush... So I have an infatuation with the girl at the video store. She's very cute and has one of those incredible smiles that makes you smile even if you're like me and don't like to smile. She also is very easy to talk to...once you get over the tripping over your own tongue thing that I went through the first time I tried talking to her... Probably nothing will come of this because I’ll be too spineless to even find out if she has a boyfriend (or hey, girlfriend…you just never know). All I know is that I like renting movies a whole lot more when she's working. Last Saturday before I went out I figured I'd rent a movie for when I got home since I was fairly certain I wouldn't be bringing anyone back with me (how’s that for self-confidence?), and whattayaknow, I was right. I rented Happy, Texas which wasn't bad at all. I just really enjoy William H. Macy and he has a great performance. Anyway, I was making small talk with Movie Girl and she grabs my hand and says how much she likes my painted nails...and she actually guessed the reason for one hand was that I'm just lousy painting my right hand with my left...she didn't assume some sort of mysterious statement being made by it--wait, so does this mean she's smart or just really unimaginative? [Oh no you don't, brain, you aren't ruining my having a little fun with an infatuation.] So anyway, there's absolutely nothing going on there, I just think she's really attractive and the glimpses of her personality that I've gotten left me with a good first and second impression. She also asked me if Scotland, Pa was good (it is and I insist you check it out if you read this) and knew it was an adaptation of Shakespeare's Macbeth which is more than I knew when I rented it...I dunno, she works there and maybe it said it on the back of the box or something, [Brain, shut the fuck up!] but I took it as a sign that she's at least somewhat intelligent...

So I went to the Gas Light by myself Saturday night...no small feat. I wasn't already buzzed as I was when I went back after my night out with Charlie and Keri, I was sober...ugh...and I made myself go because I hate going places by myself, but I had no one to go with *cough*Pat!*cough*... It was alright for the most part and I even forced myself to dance, but I discovered yet again, that without a girl to dance with, or Chuck there with me, I have an insanely hard time getting myself to move and let go and enjoy the music fully. So I danced like 4 songs and left the dance floor...I hadn't eaten anything at all and slammed the first couple of beers...this was a mistake...as I stood and watched for a while, by now on my fifth beer, I started getting angry as I noticed that several girls kept leaving the dance floor to pull a couple of different guys up there...these guys were average looking at best, couldn't dance and were just being asses most of the night...so of course the girls are attracted to them and moved right past me, even when I was already up there dancing, to go pull these guys up there...now in my beer cloud I was getting pissed that somehow these guys apparently had something that appealed to the girls that I am lacking... I don't claim to be good looking, but I'm comfortable with my face on most days (I do have bad face days, but there’s nothing I can do about it) and it's not the worst face you could put on a guy's body...the one guy was shorter than me and heavy set and still he was getting way more attention from the girls than I was...what the fuck! So by 1:30 I left because my forcing myself to go out and be amongst human beings had failed miserably. All it did was reconfirm that I hate the masses. There are no clubs for socially awkward, but intelligent people who will open up if you just show some interest and give them a chance...and if there were, it would be filled with pretentious morons anyway...so where in the hell am I going to meet a girl? I don’t even mean like for a relationship, I just mean to hang out with occasionally, share conversation, and maybe get laid. I think that I've figured out from watching other guys that are no more attractive or smart than me land girl after girl, that a typical girl just likes attention. It doesn't matter if you are the world's greatest conversationalist—in fact typical girls seem to not mind downright mind-numbing conversations—or the best looking guy, typical girls like attention...and this was all I was looking for...I wasn't looking to meet my future ex-wife, just someone to have conversation with and dance and, okay yeah, maybe get laid at the end of the night...so my "potential girlfriend" checklist wasn't even a factor, just my "you're fun to talk to/spend time with and you aren't totally stupid" checklist was the one I was using...y'know, the one where maybe they don't know all the details of the impending ass-whooping Bush wants to give Iraq (even though our allies don’t even think it’s the smart move), but they at least know the names of the current movies Leonardo DiCaprio is starring in; they may not have read Poe or Arnold or Hemingway...okay, maybe not even Hornby, but they do know how to read...that checklist. So I think I know that all I need to do is show interest and maybe start a conversation...but then I’m lazy and shy so this all seems like too much effort to put into someone I’m really not interested in past the end of the night. Oh well.

Someone who hasn’t wasted any time moving on would be Teri…I kept calling her out on the fact that I wasn’t buying her excuses for blowing me off after she was the one who kept telling me I wasn’t going to make time for her bullshit…and finally she admitted that yes, she is “getting to know” some other guy—but they aren’t dating yet! I don’t give a fuck if she’s dating three guys, I just wanted her to be fucking honest with me instead of giving me a bunch of bullshit…and then I find out last night that she told other people about the new guys several days before she told me…during that whole giving me lame excuses and acting like she was trying to avoid me time. And Lacey informed me last night that even though Teri told her that she and the new guy aren’t even dating yet, Teri started talking about how if they get married, she’ll have to seek permission to move out of state because of the custody agreement she and her ex have!!! Not even dating and already planning marriage…this is one of the things I wish I’d known about her before we dated…that she has this 2 month mark where if you aren’t actively talking engagement, she sees that as a sign of trouble and starts thinking of walking…Now it’s confirmed for me and it’s something I should have seen so much sooner (pre-“trying to work things out” bullshit)…she has Tioga County disease… girls fall into two groups here—ones that will make something of their lives, or at least try to, and ones who think they have no future unless they are married. Literally. So many girls in this area who stay in this area think that they need a husband. Teri was engaged to her ex after 2 months…apparently this set her clock for how fast relationships should move. Yikes! I’m not opposed to marriage, I just think that 2 months is too fucking soon. I mean why the fuck should I buy someone a fucking ring after 2 months of knowing them when in all likelihood they will break it off and keep said ring after a few more months…oh fuck no. If I give a fucking ring to anyone at all (and if she is likeminded—which would be nice—it won’t be a diamond) it will be after longer than 2 fucking months. But hey, all the best luck to her and her future husband whom she isn’t even dating yet. I’m tempted by thought of revenge for her whole not being honest thing, but don’t know if it’s worth it…we’ll see, I suppose. I have furniture to get from her as well as my cd’s, dvd, money, etc. before I start thinking that way. Petty? Maybe. Piss me off and I can get motherfucking petty. I mean the revenge, not the wanting my shit back…it’s my shit, I want it back. That’s not petty, that’s called give me what belongs to me. Petty would be, “Yeah, I know I said that was a gift, but I would like it back.”

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