Missing the Sweetness of Sour Times...
21 February, 2003 :: 2:48 p.m.
Another entry...what does that make, like 4 today? If you haven't been reading, you better get the hell caught up. Lot's of fun stuff...at least I think so.
This will piss at least one person off, but it's how I feel...
You know what the worst part of all this is? I don't get to sit around and enjoy the ecstasy of true sadness. Yeah, it sucks it didn't work out, it sucks that Emily and I didn't work out...because I do really like her a lot and there were some really great times...but I'm listening to the Breakin' Up cd from Erin and who do I relate it to? Char. But I'm past the really good agony for that relationship. I don't think a lot of people understand, but pure sadness is in many ways just as good as pure happiness. I think any emotion that is pure and undiluted, untainted is great. But sadness...depression...that is rivaled only by happiness. And I've never been purely happy for long stretches of time...I mean I was happy at times in all these relationships...I was happy at times with things that happened outside of these relationships...but happiness is fleeting. A good depression you can just immerse yourself in.
I want this cd to not just be full of really good, emotional, touching songs...I want it to make me cry and I can't. Some of these songs did make me cry at another time in my life, but now they just bring back the memories of what made me cry. Too much time has passed to bring that complete sadness back up. And while I miss certain things about Emily, there was so much that was wrong that any sadness was tainted with relief and knowing that it was for the best for both of us. And this thing with Teri...I'm just walking around feeling amazingly stupid. Anger is another emotion that can be incredible when it's pure--but dangerous also...and I can't direct pure hatred and anger at Teri...I have to point a lot of it at myself...she is who she is, she wasn't going to change for me, but I'm the one who kept letting her fool me. So I'm angry but some at me, some at her and some is just sort of seeping out through cracks at nothing in general. It's not pure. I would rather have had one great relationship for the last two years and had that explode in my face when I was totally happy...that would bring on the complete sadness that I could just lose myself in for a while.
And so I want to be sad, but do I want to invest 1, 2 or 3 years now on someone amazing only to have it fall apart? No. I'm not wanting to have a great relationship fall apart just so I can be sad, but I still want to be sad.
The closest I came was that little wig out that I did a week or two back where I thought I was losing my mind...and that wasn't pure, that was scary. That was one minute of extreme sad followed by irrational anger, followed by just feeling empty...it wasn't at all fun.
On a lighter note...okay, maybe not lighter, but still, it's not me...
The death toll for that fire in Rhode Island at a night club is up to at least 75. That's so sad, isn't it...that these people died at a Great White concert? I would certainly hate for that to be the last moments of my life...getting dragged to a Great White concert and then dying in a huge fire. Or even going as a joke...I can see going to something like that with someone like Pat, just for laughs...and then *BAMMO* you're dead. Shitty.
If you haven't been keeping up with the comic strip "The Boondocks" or with "Doonesbury" you really should start. It's funny shit...if we can't at least laugh at the fact we're on the verge of WWIII, what's the point? It's just depressing if you dn't find some humor in it somewhere. And no, I don't want to be depressed so much as I want to be SAD...I mean depression is always there for me on at least a moderate level anyway. I'm Gloomy...or whatever. Grumpy Bear, Oscar the Grouch, Grouchy Smurf, Eeyore, etc., they were all my childhood heroes, my role models. I always related to the perpetually unhappy character. I shit you not...when I was in 4th grade and went to Disney World, the ONLY character I gave two shits to see was Eeyore...and I came home with an Eeyore which is now long gone...but I have 2 other Eeyores...and Oscar the Grouch is in my bathroom. Thanks for teaching me to walk around Ithaca College at the age of 3 or 4 saying, "Life's a bummer," Mom. hehe
"Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley just played a moment ago...now it's "Hang" by Matchbox 20 and then it will be "Soul One" (personally my favorite, I think, though I love all three) by Blind Melon...these songs should have me huddled in the bathtub with tears streaming down my face...instead all I can do is just appreciate how good and sad and depressing they are. Fuck fuckity fuck.