As Walmart Turns...
12 March, 2003 :: 12:15 p.m.
I've gotten a mixed reaction from friends thus far on my announcement that I am trying to establish a relationship with Lacey. I totally respect all of them and know that they all wish me well (I've told like 3 people so far)...I also know that due to my past professions of "Don't worry about me, I know exactly what I'm doing..." which have turned into, "What the hell was I thinking???" that they all have cause to be concerned that I'm doing it again.
Chuck was hilarious, if not intentionally so...this is pretty much how the convo went:
Chuck: Whatcha up to?
Me:Being a bad human being...
Chuck: Now what did you do?
Me: Kissed Lacey this morning (this was Saturday morning)
Chuck: That was pretty stupid.
The conversation then went on...he turned all teacher on me and broke down why I should either not be doing this at all or at least think very carefully about it into arguments. It went something like this:
1)She has a boyfriend (and how does that usually turn out?)
2)You work with her (and how does that usually turn out?)
3)You've been single for like two weeks and is that really enough time for you to know what you're doing?
I asked him when he was going to get a girl so I could yell at him for doing stupid things and this was where he used his one moment of intentional humor by saying, "You do so many stupid things, you don't give me a chance." Heee. Point for Chuck.
I then told him that through all of the mistakes I've made, my gut has known that I was making mistakes and I simply chose to ignore it. This time it's my gut telling me I should go for it.
Erin was pretty much a mix of good luck, but damn it, for once be careful.
Pat's response to me telling him about Lacey was something like, "That's great!"
And I know this all seems sudden. I know that I was going to actually be single for a while. It is sudden, but it isn't.
Lacey has worked overnights since last July I think. I've been slowly getting to know her. I always sensed that there was something special about her, that she was more like me than most people I meet. But initially I was just like, ok, she's the cute, odd girl. You can just tell immediately that she is a really good person and enjoys making others happy and all of that, but she has the laid back, sarcastic, one of the guys type of personalities.
Slowly we began joking around, but that was pretty much as far as things went, no real conversations. We were both just seeing little bits of each other. And I liked what I saw, definitely thought she was cool, but that was it. I don't mean this in a bad way, but she wasn't my type...physically. She is shorter than me and very thin...I tend to always date girls who are about my height and who are much curvier. So attraction-wise, she just wasn't showing up on my radar. Personality-wise, I wanted to get to know her better, but not being good at starting conversations, I didn't really know how.
Luckily she had taken note of my few comments that I added to the group on breaks and thought I was worth getting to know also. So slowly we started talking a little bit more...mostly about Teri because Lacey knew her also. She was always supportive of us and hoping that we worked out because she liked both of us. We started flirting, but it was totally just harmless flirting. Lacey flirts with most of the guys on nights, that's just part of who she is.
Then, she started giving me hugs whenever she thought I seemed like I needed cheering up. The hugs were just incredibly nice. Not just, wow that was nice of her; they were nice hugs...some people just give really good hugs. They always did make me feel better even if generally I thought that I was doing pretty well before the hug. I think subconsciously the wheels began turning at this point...noticing how nicely she fit in my arms and how good she made me feel when we talked.
I have no idea where this brings us to time wise...I don't know exactly when I first thought about her and noticed that though she wasn't physically like most of the girls I dated, she was indeed very cute and yes, I was attracted to her. All I know is that the first few times that an idea like that even started to bubble to the surface, I sent it right back down...I didn't know what was going on with Teri, Lacey was with Andy...it was just a simple crush.
Lacey and I began talking more and more about different things and I found out that we have a lot in common. We think very much alike on so many things...and not just like this is my view on this. I mean our brains work the same way...random associations where you look at one thing and it fires to this and that reminds you of this other thing and that takes you further over here...We end up at the same place! more often than not...or if not exactly, if she says something, I can immdiately see how she got there from where we were and I think she can see it too. Then I would say something and she'd be like, "yeah, exactly...that's how I feel." And yes, this could be written off as okay, for whatever reason, she has a crush on you and is trying to play up to you...but I would think something and then it would come out of her mouth... It's not bullshit, she really does think like me. For once, I don't have to explain why I just did what I did or why I have a certain expression on my face. I don't have to worry that if I'm quiet she assumes I'm mad at her. She said that often I seem annoyed with the world and quiet, but that when I would make a comment about something, she could see that I have a sense of humor, that I'm not all "poor me, I hate the world and want to die--or kill everyone else." Too many times that's what people mistake me for and it's not really me. Yeah, stupidity pisses me off and the world is full of it (memo to self: Albany mall rant later), but I don't hate the fact that I'm alive and I do get enjoyment out of life...just not when it tends to involve large masses of other people. Large masses being groups more than 5..and even most groups of 5 are pushing it. Did I just go off on a tangent?
So Lacey, it seems, gets me and I get her. I want to explore this and see where it goes. No, I didn't want to be that guy--the guy that comes between two people. But I honestly believe that Lacey and I are a better fit than she and Andy are. I believe that there is potential for true magic here. For once it feels like I'm doing the right thing...even though technically I'm doing the wrong thing by society's standards--especially considering the fact that I was just left by a girl for another guy. There is nothing personal against Andy. I still think he's a really good guy...I just think he happens to be with a girl I am a better match for. I hate that, I hate to say something like that. I don't like saying I feel like I'm better than someone else...but in this case I do...Lacey just seems to fit right into me, to already be inside me and I don't want to lose that.
So there may be an explosion of sorts at work if this gets out. I guess the plan is this: She will break up with Andy and she and I will see each other quietly for a while. This hopefully will soften the blow for Andy so that he doesn't up and quit or something dumb that he'll regret later. The thing is, it's really hard to keep secrets at walmart...Frank and Becky already know about us...the reason they don't say anything? Frank and Becky are seeing each other and Frank is married. (Yes, quite the dysfunctional family we have at walmart--"the family store") Deb knows that I like Lacey, but she's off for 6-8 weeks for surgery and doesn't yet know any of what has happened. Jerry knows but he is Lacey's friend and encouraging her to do what will make her happy. Hutch knows nothing about any of this and I don't want him to for now because he is one of the nicest, most caring guys I know and he's friends with all three of us and it would tear him up...he would feel loyalty to Andy that he should know, but loyalty to Lacey and I because we are his friends also. Others have suspected for a while, and more so recently, that things are going on between Lacey and I...if one of them finds out for sure though, I can just see them walking up to Andy and going, "Man, can't believe she left you for Matt." Oy. Should be a lovely couple of weeks figuring things out.
I just know that depite all the soap opera-iness of this and how it will play out, I am happy and I believe that in the end it is going to be for the best. I really do think I've found something special in my relationship with Lacey. It feels like I've found what I've been looking for. It feels RIGHT. Hopefully the one time I listen to my gut isn't the one time it happens to not know what the hell is going on.