Gettin' it out of my system...
21 March, 2003 :: 12:08 p.m.
I am fighting so hard to not let myself slip right now...I don't know if it's doing a damn bit of good.
Things have been amazing. I know I haven't updated about anything of importance lately, but I was waiting for it to sink in and see how I really felt before putting it in here.
Now all of the sudden I'm just...I don't know. So let's back the fuck up and go over what's happened in my life lately.
Okay:
--I told Lacey about my crush on her...this led to lots of talk between us which did nothing but make me feel even more like I wanted to be with her and that we really click.
--Saturday, March 8th, I kissed her after work...it was quite amazing...but also left me feeling a bit bad because she was still with Andy.
--More talk over the course of that week, plus we hung out for several hours Thursday. I knew for sure that what my gut told me about wanting to be with her, us clicking, was true. She hadn't yet ended things with Andy, so again, more feeling conflicted...definitely falling for her, but wondering if she would decide to leave him for me and when.
--Saturday, March 15th, right after work...Lacey ended things with Andy. We spent almost an entire 24 hours together and I learned that I can sleep for something like 10 or 11 hours and wake up feeling rested and not feeling like I wasted an entire day off. We hung out until about 5:30 Sunday morning when I took her home.
--Monday we got together in the afternoon and hung out until about 6:30 Tuesday morning. Again, feeling really ecstatic. Things just felt so right between us...and I learned that she loves pineapple on her pizza! Nobody, friends or girlfriends, that I've known has really loved pineapple on their pizza...it was sometimes tolerated, but not a topping that when pizza was mentioned anyone else suggested...and several times before I've been able to say anything, I've just had a person turn to me and say, "NO!" But Lacey actually likes it. I know that this is a minor thing...not some bold sign from God/Fate/whatever saying, "You've found your SoulMate!" But it just goes with all of the other little things that have popped up here and there that just really make it feel like we really fit together.
--Yesterday she came home with me after work and stayed until it was time for work last night. We didn't do any particularly amazing things...played music, looked for an apartment for her (No, we're not jumping right into living together), did some shopping (where I rambled like a retarded muppet about anything that popped into my head because I was seriously sleep depping...and luckily she was too so she laughed at me instead of actually thinking me a retarded muppet), we had amazing sex, we just talked, we watched part of Army of Darkness before falling asleep for a few hours before work. But it was just a magical day...I felt so close to her. I'm feeling something I haven't felt in a long, long time... She is so fantastic and I just love spending time with her. The past couple of weeks I've been HAPPY...and a different happy than I'm used to...usually happy is accompanied by uneasiness...I mean any happiness that lasts for more than a few moments or for more than a really good night hanging out with friends or having a good conversation with someone important to me...If I just feel HAPPY, I usually start getting all panicky wondering when it will end... I haven't been feeling that...I've been content.
BUT:
--work's been difficult the last few nights...I don't like seeing Andy the way he is. He's always been someone fairly quiet, but he did crack jokes and stuff on breaks at least. The last few nights, he's been acting not just quiet or depressed, but odd. He sat through lunch the other night just covering a piece of paper with pencil...not drawing, just basically blacking it out. Last night he took his first break early so he avoided the rest of us all together...then he was done with lunch shortly after we got back there and last break he took with us, but didn't really talk.
--Lacey and I have been keeping the fact that we are together quiet at work...a few people know, but very few. Andy knows something is up, you can tell, but it just hasn't been confirmed. I feel bad about it all... I mean part of me wishes he just knew the whole deal and would punch me (outside work so he doesn't lose his job). Would it fix all of his problems? No, but he'd know and he could get out a little of his frustration.
--Lacey is an empath. She worries way more about how others feel than how she feels...she feels good if she can make someone else feel good. I believe she cares about me and genuinely wants to see what happens with all of this, but part of me worries that she sees me as a project. She seems happy, but she is definitely happier when she knows I'm happy (I've been smiling A LOT lately...so much so that it's almost feeling like a normal expression for my face). She asks me a lot if I'm happy. I can't even put the happy into words, but I try to make sure that she can see it...she knows I'm not one to smile a lot, she knows that when I smile it's genuine...but it's almost like she needs to know all the time that I'm happy in order to be happy herself. I have not had to pretend at all to be happy...it's real and it's kind of odd, but it feels really, really good just the same...but I worry that her happiness isn't based on what I make her feel herself, but the happiness she gives me reflected back to her...does that make any sense? I think I know what I mean.
It's nothing bad, I just want to know that she's happy being with me, not feeling like she made a huge mistake. She's told me that no, she has no regrets, that she realized things weren't going to work out with Andy, that she's happy being with me...and I see it sometimes, I really do...but I still worry that she's not fully worrying about what she needs, she's focusing on trying to make sure that I'm happy.
She keeps telling me she sees something special in me, that she's seen it since the first few times she heard me speak up and contribute to conversations our group had during breaks...it's really nice to hear that, but at the same time, it scares the hell out of me. I don't know what it is that she sees...and maybe I shouldn't question it..because I've seen something special in her since she first came to nights and started taking breaks with us too, and if pressed, I couldn't put it into words...she's just really special. So maybe I shouldn't freak that she sees something in me...but if you don't see something special about me, I can't tarnish what you see...I can't fuck up and let you down. If you see something in me, chances are I will eventually reveal that I'm not the person you thought I was. I want someone to "get me" and it feels like she really does "get me" and yet it scares me. I don't know...
I don't want to focus on worrying because then I'll try to be who I think she sees and inevitably I'll fail because I'll make myself someone she never saw and doesn't like...I think a lot of people fuck up in this manner; trying to be someone that isn't really them. Lacey and I have talked about this...I've told her I don't want her to stop flirting with guys, I don't want her to feel like we have to spend every day together or even every day off together...she's told me the same (yes, even the flirting with guys thing)...that she likes who I am. So I'm trying not to lose myself, trying to believe what she sees and likes is really me... It's not her fault I'm worrying--it's not anyone's--just I've had people see a me that they thought they liked and then they've later changed their minds. Char told me she put me on a pedestal when we were together...I wish to hell I'd known before we broke up because I never wanted to be on a pedestal...there's nothing to do but sit there unchanging or fall and smash into pieces. But Lacey and I have been getting to know each other over the course of months...it's not like she just started and we were attracted and just jumped into something...what we have has been building over time and I'm myself at work, so I have to believe that the person she grew to care about and want to be with really is me...I believe that I've fallen for the real Lacey and not some image. I expect her to have flaws, I'd be scared if she didn't. Everything here is stuff we've discussed...I guess I just had to get it out.
I still feel really good, optimistic...I guess the other part, the skeptical part just refuses to go away...which is good because that's part of who I really am...so hopefully it's a sign that I'm not losing myself...it's just so hard not to overthink things sometimes. So now it's out and I can just let myself go with this...it feels good, it really does. Happy. Me. Weird. Good Weird.