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You're an ok guy...in hindsight
11 April, 2003 :: 7:29 p.m.

Unlocked again...we'll see how it goes... My project for my Emerson/Fuller seminar has changed...I think...if I can pull it off. While reading more of Fuller, I noticed that while she appreciates Nature, she realizes that as white man settles the land, he is altering the look of the land...she seems to see this as inevitable and not necessarily bad, but she seems saddened by it. It seemed to me as I read that she was siding with Nature whereas Emerson has this view that while we are part of Nature, we also control it. Emerson seems to believe the earth, Nature, is at Man's disposal. Fuller seems to feel that Man is using Nature and altering her, but she seems to wish that white man could live in harmony with Nature as the Native Americans do...so Fuller is the voice of Nature--Nature...Mother Nature...female. Emerson...Nature is provided for Man from God...gift from Father to Son...male. See where I'm going with this? Emerson's view is that Nature is here to serve Man...much as the common view of his time (and carried on into the present by ignorant males) was that women are put here to serve man. Just another example of males dominating females, using females. Now I just need to put this in the form of a 10 page paper. Yippee.

And while we're on the subject of females...I have become the official pillar of support for my exes it would seem. I'm not complaining, I'm glad that I can be there, be supportive, be a shoulder to cry on, friendly ear, what have you...but why is it that when I'm with them, I hear nothing but what a jackass I am...then after we break up and they start dating other guys, they run to me to tell me what jackasses these guys are?

Brad is a dick. He might have more in common with Em, might make a good father, might a lot of things, I don't know...I never met him and I no longer have any desire to. He seems to think that despite the fact that he lived off Em and did as he pleased for months while living off his unemployment checks as Em busted her ass to pay rent and other bills, that now, because she is carrying his child and only working a few days a week and he is the one with the main source of income, that he can set the rules. On top of still working part-time at her job, she now babysits five children several times a week...Brad, who never did anything resembling housework unless he was bitched at during those months he sat on his ass, expects her to do all the housework while still working and being very pregnant. He also seems to think it's funny to come home and tell Em about how women he meets at his new job hit on him while at the same time calling her in the middle of the day to check up on her and when, Wednesday night, she wasn't home because of orchestra rehearsal, left a snotty note saying she must've been downstairs visiting me...he's lived with her how long and he "forgot" that Wednesdays she has orchestra rehearsal? Dumb fuck. He's also done other shitty stuff lately, but of a much more personal nature which isn't for me to go into in my diary...I'll probably already get bitched at for what I've written even though I'm just trying to point out that she may not be perfect, but she deserves to be treated better than he is treating her.

Teri is dealing with her new boyfriend having Chrone's disease and having spent most of the last two weeks in the hospital. This doesn't make him a jackass...the fact that she's been staying at his house, watching his 7 year old son and making sure he gets to school and everything else and then he turns around and defends his ex-wife who only has bi-weekly visitation and who kidnapped this same son a while back and whom her son has no desire to spend time with when she says that Codey (yeah, I wouldn't name a kid Cody in the first place, I sure wouldn't put an "e" in it) should be with her. I’m actually impressed that Teri is going all out and watching Rob’s kid and all that…one of her biggest flaws is how self-centered she can be…to see her doing this when a lot of people would have said, “Shit, not my problem,” is impressive. But yeah, wooo…where was I going with all of this? Fuck if I know… She said that Hannah misses me and that she’ll bring her by so that we can spend some time together, that I’m still welcome to be part of Hannah’s life…that would be great…I miss her...lots...me, attached to a kid who isn't a niece or nephew...odd.

Is this progressive or regressive, or is it just…existing? This dating girls and then being friends with them afterwards? Something that I’m not used to, that’s for sure. I’m used to being the biggest mistake in a person’s life up to that point, used to being hated and despised when it’s all said and done. But maybe I’m not such a bad guy after all…? I mean yeah, I have my head up my ass sometimes, but basically I’m an ok guy…or something…

I still feel like I haven’t found my voice yet…still feel like something is missing and I’m forcing these entries…Being content in my personal life is killing my writing…This does not mean, however, that I have plans to create drama so that I can write again…It’s nice to be happy—relaxed happy where I’m not waiting for the bottom to fall out constantly. I thought feeling like this would scare the hell out of me, but it doesn’t. So I’m going to keep searching for my voice and hoping that I find it…in the meantime, I’ll just have to keep myself writing generic entries.

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