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Clearin' My Throat...
13 April, 2003 :: 4:21 a.m.

This has been a wonderfully bittersweet night...Chuck came down and we went to the Gas Light...fun...but, we didn't ever actually get on the dance floor...for some reason I need him to be dancing for me to feel comfortable dancing...we sorta danced next to the dance floor (not together), but never actually on the dance floor...and neither of us got any notice from any girls...before anyone goes thinking anything, I'm perfectly happy with my relationship with Lacey, things are incredibly good...just nice to know that someone else out there thinks you're worth checking out...and Chuck is a good looking guy, so I don't know why all the Tioga County White Trash Coalition don't flock to him...you'd think they'd smell the fact that he's single and making 30k a year...still, I was drinking and sorta-kinda dancing, so it was fun...then we went to walmart to get food...mistake...apparently the home office in arkansas knows better than we do how our freezers and coolers are operating...they called earlier and said that there was a malfunction, so we weren't selling any frozen/refrigerated items...even though the coolers were maintaining the same temperatures (the correct temperatures) all night apparently...but I got to see Lacey for a few minutes and got to joke around with Hutch a bit...that is my generic recap of my night...wooo...I'm not drunk by a long shot...but I am feeling good...

Lacey mentioned a paper to me tonight that she wrote at college before deciding she wasn't ready for school yet (she is going back in the fall though to good ol' M.U.)...as soon as she mentioned it, it was one of those things I realized that I had thought about but never put into words...it was a cool sounding paper...about how the Irish should actually be thankful to the British...most Irish literature is wonderfully bitter, sad, depressing...odds are it wouldn't be if it weren't for the English keeping them down...they would have lost their voices and a bunch of wonderful literature had they been happy-go-lucky...that's sorta how I feel right now because of being happy...I have to figure out a way to still be creative and be myself so that I can continue to write...it's so much easier when things are bad, or I'm at least when I can let myself be morose...I'm content with being happy, I'm feeling incredibly lucky to have Lacey in my life...it's just a bitch to make the adjustment as far as my writing goes...I could have at any point let out my bitterness over this bullshit war, but I've chosen silent protest over saying the same things that others have said as well or better than I could...Erin's entries on the subject have pretty much covered all I've been feeling, so there was nothing left for me to say personally...except that my anger and resentment have been building...and one point where I differ from almost everyone--I don't support the troops...fuck them...I know it's not the same thing, I know, I know, I know...but did we support the Nazi soldiers because they were just doing as they were told? No. Fuck American soldiers who shoot innocent Iraqi citizens...a bigger Fuck You to the government that sent them there...I suppose we need peons who are willing to join the military, who can be swayed by "patriotism" and "protecting freedom"...but fuck that...have a mind of your own...that's a huge part of the reason I never considered military service despite almost all of my mom's side of the family being military and my parents trying to convince me I should do it to pay for school...Fuck no, I have a mind and I won't be told to do that shit...and now I'm a hypocrite because I work for a giant corporation that I despise...do I quit? No. But I don't take lives of innocent people either and I don't invade countries that I have no business being in...I'm sure that I've set myself up here to be ripped apart...I don't care...this is my diary, this is how I feel...

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