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25 May, 2003 :: 8:25 a.m.


I'm so happy for Chuck that he's finally made it out of school and out of debt and finally has the car of his dreams; I'm glad that he has a job that he loves and that he's genuinely happy...It just gets me wondering about the whole "Are we headed in different directions in our lives?" Will the distance in our lives become so great that we can't find common ground anymore? We aren't a part of each other's daily lives...we haven't been since we were in 5th grade...and our friendship has always survived. We've both gone months without making contact with the other, we've survived moves and job changes and my drunken stupidity...I don't think he'll ever be gone from my life, he's like a brother to me and I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him to e-mail or phone or hang out with. He's known me longer than anyone outside my family has and he's stuck by me...I'm not even sure if I've really given anything in this relationship in the last few years...I haven't driven up to visit him, he usually (but not always) e-mails first when we've been out of touch for a while...but he's got his life set and seems to be doing what he loves; I've still got no idea what I plan on doing past college...not even a good idea of when I'll be done with college. He's gotten himself out of debt and can finally afford to do pretty much whatever he sets his mind to; I'm considering debt consolidation because I don't see any other way out of the hole I've dug myself... What happens when we're too old to go out to clubs, what happens if he finally talks to a girl again and starts dating? I just don't know. It's fine, I'm not sitting here thinking that we'll never talk again or have fun again...I just wonder how much longer we have. I'm not going to worry myself over it past writing this...there's no point. What will happen will happen...I don't want a crystal ball to know the answers ahead of time. I just hope that there's years instead of months ahead of us in our friendship and I hope I can find a way to start feeling like an active part of the friendship again.

On the friendship note...I have no idea where Pat and I are at either... I have no idea what's up with him. We barely did anything together this semester even though we were in the same town for the first semester of our college lives and when we did talk, 90% of it was online... It seemed like whenever I tried to get together with him, something else was always going on. There were times that irked me, but this isn't the place for them...I mean, it is--it's my fucking diary, but I haven't spoken in person, on the phone or via e-mail to him about it's not fair to him or our friendship to bitch about it here first where he may read it. If he still reads this...I don't know even that much. All I know is that the whole year he was off with his eye problem, we talked almost daily online and at least once a week by phone. I looked forward to him coming back so we could hang out...and then I wasn't in school and I was living in Liberty. But we still got together and did things when we could...I guess I just expected with both of us being back in school and both of us living right here in town so close to each other, that we'd hang out more...but it didn't happen. Pat was my other brother, the one I knew would be there for me if I needed him and the one I knew would turn to me when he needed me...and it feels like we've lost a lot of that...there's always something else getting in the way, never time...I dunno.

This all feels like too big a change all at once...especially since they're changes to parts of my life that I've always enjoyed and didn't want to see change. I've always known that it's not like Pat and Chuck and I were going to end up living in the same town having backyard barbeques and watching our kids grow up together...but I wasn't really ready to consider the possibility that either of these friendships could actually end. I don't think that either of them have yet...I just don't like feeling that the potential is there, that's it's already happening and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Friends come and go from our lives, it's expected and it happens a lot...some people are work friends and one of you gets a new job...then you don't hang out anymore. School friendships, whatever level of school it is, often end after one or both of you leave school... Life's always changing, the people in your life change...but there are those that you always expect to keep with you whatever the transition...when you lose one, or the realization that you could lose one hits you, it's just...I don't know... Shit, you try to be all deep and shit and the best you can come up with sometimes is, "it sucks"...but suck it does...My brain still continues to atrophy on me and my writing continues to get less and less interesting...

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