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I bring nothing to the table...
09 December, 2003 :: 1:49 p.m.

And the very worst part is I know I still think about you and I have no idea, but I seriously doubt, that I ever cross your mind anymore...

Okay, so I lied in the last entry about not being able to write...I just didn't want to write what I have to say...why are there certain people you just can't exorcise from yourself no matter how badly you want to? They're gone, you don't see them anymore, yet somehow they find a way to work their way into your mind from time to time either through some random association or someone you know runs into them and then tells you about it.

I haven't written much about her seems like forever...I still can't shake Char and it pisses me off more than anything. I think I saw her at the Gas Light a while back...last time I went by myself, I think...anyway, I'm pretty sure it was her and it looked like Ryan with her...but I was doing my own thing and I didn't really want to find out whether I was right or not...even if I'm totally wrong and it wasn't her, that just proves the point all the more...I still see women who remind me of her on a regular basis. I can go weeks without thinking about her, but then something comes up that brings her back. I see someone or something that reminds me of her or someone says something either directly (my mom mentioning she ran into her several weeks ago) or indirectly ("remember the time..." and it happens to be something that ties to her somehow)...she is woven so intricately through me that there's no way to remove her.

Why can't I shake this...even when I'm not reminded of her in any way, she's still there because of what I do now. I was in love with Char and I can't honestly say that about anyone since. Love, yes. In love, no. I haven't let myself get that involved in anyone since. It may start out feeling like it could lead to that, but now at the very first obstacle, the first big fight, whatever, I close off the possibility of falling in love...and any problems that come after that shut more small pieces of me off until I find myself maybe still caring for the person, but not caring what happens between us. As with just about any feeling this isn't totally consistent--I mean Lacey and I might have a day where I think, "this is so perfect, why did I convince myself that we can't be a couple?" It might even last a few days. Then I find myself switching to wondering how I ever thought we could be a couple. In the end every relationship seems pointless now because I look ahead and I figure within 12 months, 18 tops, whoever I'm with is either going to hate me or they'll be driving me insane.

"I bring nothing to the table"--that's a t-shirt that I really am pondering buying because it's honestly how I feel about myself most of the time. This isn't just depression talking; even when things are good I feel this way more often than not. I honestly don't know why any girl ever has thought she loved me; I honestly don't know why any girl has put up with me after the first few disagreements or once the shine fades. When Lacey and I were talking about breaking up a few weeks back, she started crying and wanting another chance--WHY? I am who I am and it's not likely to change. On a good day I might be amusing to be around...on any sort of regular basis...bleh. What are relationships for? Someone to have regular sex with? So you don't have to go catch a movie alone? So maybe it actually feels like there's a point to making a meal instead of eating a handful of Cheez Nips or a bowl of cereal? The first couple of years, when things were still in the "mostly excellent" category, I felt like I was really sharing and building a life with Char, that there was a point to it. I don't know if there's something wrong with me now or if I fucked up my one chance at that or if I just haven't met someone again that makes me feel that way...but I don't. The only person that I felt anything remotely like that with was Teri and it wasn't her so much as it was my bond with Hannah. Teri and I actually got along really well on many levels...but the things we didn't...yeah, we just really didn't. It was Hannah that made me keep giving in and trying to make things work because I wanted to stay in her life...

As usual when I ramble on I'm losing focus and cohesion, but yeah, something's broke and I can't figure out how to fix it.

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