My second mid-life crisis and I'm only 28...wooo
19 March, 2004 :: 4:11 a.m.
I'm updating just because I feel obligated to. I've actually wanted to a few times lately, but didn't have the time or various other reasons prevented me from doing it. (I'm lazy)
All of the gloom and pouting in my last several entries...
It was kicked off by a phone call...the phone call for my 10 year high school reunion. Now I have no real intention of going...I mean as fun as it would be to stand around and not talk to the same people that I didn't talk to when I went to high school, I just can't bring myself to do it. If I'm off that night, I may go to the bar and see who shows up there, but I'm not going to the stupid reunion.
I didn't belong to a clique when I went to school...there were three guys that I talked to regularly and several that I occasionally talked to...but I fit in no where. It's fine, I'm not bitching about it--it's just the way things were... I actively disliked many of the people that I went to school with and I just never found a group of people that I felt comfortable with. I still don't like groups; I like individual people. Part of me wishes that I belonged to a group of people who all knew each other, hung out, got along...but it's never happened and I don't see it happening now since when I'm around more than two or three people I withdraw further into myself and wish I could disappear because I start feeling creeped out and my skin tingles and shit and it's just no fun...this is groups where I'm expected to take part and join in...I'm fine at a bar where it's a bunch of small groups of people and people keep to themselves or at work for the most part when there are few customers and hopefully none of them want to talk to me...
That's all off the point though...the point is the call was a reminder of how long it's been since I graduated and how I've done nothing with my life to this point. If I were on a definite path to somewhere maybe it'd be different, but I'm a liberal studies major who needs to get his paperwork in so that the work he's done toward a minor in philosophy will actually count as a minor. The first year or two I met people, I had a good time for the most part...I don't talk to anyone or meet anyone new on campus anymore and it's just not fun... I go to class and I get the hell off campus when it's over. I don't see myself getting a job with what I've taken in school. The few people that I do know and get along with have disappeared already or will be shortly. Even Pat is done after next semester...and I'll still have a couple semesters...and I just feel like everything is moving away from me. I get uncomfortable around people, but I hate feeling isolated. I get paranoid in groups, but I want to have more than one or two friends because when they go their own ways, who do I have left? Nobody.
I've been seriously considering the @rmy lately. There's a reason I used the @ for that though...the gov't creeps me out. I mentioned to no one until recently that I was thinking about this at all. Last week I checked out the @rmy's website for the first time ever...2 days later the recruiter called me out of the blue. I haven't received a call from the recruiter since in at least 4 years and he calls 2 days later??? 2 DAYS!!! No, the gov't doesn't watch people at all... Or maybe it's just my paranoia...
But I have seriously been considering it. I realize now that I should have joined out of high school. I hate a lot about the military and I thought as a senior in high school that there was no way I could submit to that shit, no way I'd last...but now I've got 8 years at walmart... I could have joined the @rmy, gotten money for school and been out and still started school roughly the same time I did anyway. And what's waiting for me after school? Nada.
I realize now is a lousy time to opt for the military, but I get sent to Iraq or Afghanistan...who cares. If it's my time to die, it's my time; if it's my time to get permanently disfigured...well then it won't be paranoia when I'm in groups of people that they are all mocking me, they will be. It'd be a chance to see some of the world and gain experience...but then I really do hate the military and I really do believe we have no business being where we're at. I mean we do now but only because we have to clean up messes we never should have created. Those are opinions that I'm sure would go over well if I joined up.
I have no real idea what the hell I'm doing...I want to get back to normal, apathetic me who doesn't care about all this shit. I hate when all the "my life has to have meaning" bullshit pops up. There are like 7 billion people on this planet...we can't all have meaningful, happy lives...
"Talking of Michelangelo" by Bayside
The sidewalk's cracked and dirty face
Is look up from underneath my feet,
Staring at the hallow, broken boy,
Who's lost and wandering these city streets,
And every night I wander here alone,
The night that we will meet.
I wonder when we'll finally understand,
Why time can wash away the right,
It was made of sand,
And it's wonderful
The pain,
That comes with regret,
Sometimes you have to see the beauty,
In our hearts is loneliness.
The streetlights flicker,
And then they fade,
Like every good intention that I've had,
And every face that passes through my mind,
And I'll be struggling with,
These same old dreams,
Until this concrete turns to sand,
And I'm swept up by the waves.
I wonder when we'll finally understand,
Why time can wash away the right,
It was made of sand,
And it's wonderful,
The pain,
That comes with regret,
Sometimes you have to see the beauty,
In our hearts is loneliness.
There's only so many chances that you get to do,
Something that's this important,
Now I'd rather sink than swim.
Sooner grace came speeding up and steamed,
Telling all the broken dreams I swept away.
And I wonder when,
When I'll bow out,
Wash me away like I was made of sand,
And It's wonderful,
It's wonderful.