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11 May, 2004 :: 11:53 a.m.

I was tired of rambling in that entry and this is totally I figured I'd opt for a new entry. I just checked and I'm at 335 entries...that's a lot of fucking entries, but considering I started this two years ago and started with multiple entries for some days, I really haven't had much to say for the past year... I reread some of my older entries and they seem funnier and better than anything I've written lately...I feel basically like I'm the same person, but I think the fact that for months now I've been lacking much of my soap opera life is part of it...I've lost connection with parts of me...

And that sort of brings me to where I wanted to go with this entry which is the fact that I'm about done with the whole acquaintance/casual friend thing...I'm giving up on people because I believe a lot of people just aren't worth the effort. I'm tired of being blown off by people whom I only make plans to hang out with once every couple of months for one thing. Apparently it's me least that's the message that I'm getting. I'm not a spark plug, I'm not a the set of jumper cables that gets a party started...I'm fairly laid back--except when I'm not. I'm fire or I'm ice, not much of an in between. Certain people like Pat get me animated and loud...and there are literally dozens of people who would call you a liar if you told them I could be loud and animated. Even when I'm having a good time people around me don't seem to realize that I am. I can be extremely happy and just keep it inside of me and show no sign of it on the maybe that's it, maybe there aren't enough Pat's in this world (my world) to get me animated...Chuck and I can have a great time and it would probably bore other people to death, but I can also be extremely animated around Chuck, I just usually am not. That's how I am with a lot of people no matter how much I like them. I don't start the conversation with people unless I know them very well and know for sure that I can talk about any stupid thing and get a conversation going. So maybe people don't like hanging out with me because I don't start things, I'm not the life of the party who does wild and crazy things and convinces others to do them also...I like to be the guy who sits on the edge and occasionally tosses in what I think is an amusing comment, but I don't want the focus to then switch totally to me because I freeze up and have nothing to say.

What does this have to do with anything? This has to do with getting blown off several times recently by supposed friends who beg off by saying they're "too tired" or "not in the mood to go out." This usually occurs after we've already made plans and is usually the day we're supposed to do whatever we planned. Now I realize this is just going to happen sometimes...I have said, "yeah, that sounds great," before only to have the day of whatever event sounded great roll around and I just don't feel like doing whatever it if it happens once in a while, I don't think anything of it. When someone goes out drinking and partying 2 or 3 nights EVERY WEEK though and then several times in a row cancels on me on my Saturday off for a lame reason and then after a month of our paths just really not crossing to have them walk up and say something about how I'm antisocial and we don't talk anymore...WTF??? First of all when did we ever really do more than make small talk and go have a few drinks occasionally? Or better yet to have someone I used to talk to seral times a week, often for hours at a time, to have them tell me they will meet me as soon as they get off work and then just not show at all... First off, it sucks that we don't talk the way we used to, then when we have a chance you just blow me off? Or to have another someone that you talk to at least a few times a week get mad at you for perceived slights that were never there or were unintentional and you explained and apologized for it anyway, to have them blow you off or tell you off repeatedly and just put up with it and then have them get pissed at just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

There are only a few people that I have full trust in anymore and all but one of them I don't talk to even a quarter as much as I wish I could. Maybe I'm being hypersensitive over stupid things, maybe I'm insecure and I'm the one perceiving things erroneously...I dunno, it may just be in my mind; it may be all on me, but I'm reconfirming to myself the importance of a few good friends because I'm having serious doubts about whether all but the closest of friends are worth the trouble...

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