9-Ball
19 May, 2004 :: 3:37 p.m.
I have songs running through my head lately that don't exist...it's a shame I don't know shit about music so I can't write them out...I go through minutes at a time where there are no thoughts, just music in my head...
Aside from that there is a whole world inside my head that doesn't really exist and it saddens me. I'm not sure what this world is exactly...it's the world I enter when I dream and I think it's the world that I believed existed when I was a kid...the world that I realized sadly isn't the world I live in...it is also a world that I believe could exist and should exist; it just doesn't...maybe for someone, but not for me.
I'm going through one of my I want friends, but I don't phases...I mean the ones that I have I would like to keep...but I don't see them much over the summer, so part of me is wanting to reconnect with people or make new connections, but then when the opportunity presents itself, I decide it's too much work, it might not work, even if it does work it won't be what I envisioned in my mind...plenty of excuses. I was planning on calling Bill tomorrow to see what he's up to...we used to work together and hang out outside of work...he's in his 50s, but he's an awesome guy and work just hasn't been the same since he left a few years back...and then we slowly stopped hanging out after he got his new job. I know that he'd be glad to hear from me, I know that I'd enjoy talking to him again and catching up on things, but what I want most is something that is part of the past now and I don't think it can be recaptured. We used to do a lot of things, but my favorite thing was to go and shoot pool and drink a few beers and I always had a great time doing that...then he started getting weird about going to bars because he didn't want to run into his ex-wife who's a bit of a nut. Deb still talks to and sees Bill on a regular basis and she said he still won't go out to bars, so shooting pool is probably out...if we just sat around and talked and caught each other up on things, that would be cool, but he'll probably want to go shoot at Deb's place. I went through my "when in Hicksville, do as the hicks" phase back when I was dating Char and didn't think that I would ever be leaving this area...I don't hunt and I while I don't have anything against it particularly, I don't fish...so what was left for me? Archery. So I bought a bow and Bill and Mike and I used to go out and shoot quite a bit...but I sold my bow when I returned from York because I was broke and I had gotten out of the area for a few months and it reminded me that I need to get out of this area for good once school is done so I didn't want to play redneck games anymore... I still respect archery and it was something that while I was never going to be great at, I was definitely good at...but Bill will probably want to go shoot and I don't know if that's something that I want to do again. I need to just bite the bullet and realize that I can't get back any of the good times I've had and if I want to have good times again, I have accept the people I care about for who they've become or who they still are. I want to see Bill again, so hopefully when the time comes tomorrow I can squash the doubt that it won't work and just pick up the phone instead. Maybe I'll be able to convince him to shoot some pool afterall...
Why do things have to change? Why is it that so many of my best memories come from spending time around a pool table with good friends and why the hell don't any of us ever get together and shoot pool anymore? Bill, Mike, Russ, Pat, Emily, Char...I had many good times shooting pool with all of them and now I don't talk to some of them and the ones I do, we don't play anymore... The best night I ever had hanging out with my brother-in-law and my step-sister was shooting pool (8-ball, but still fun). 9-ball is just a reminder to me now that life is always changing and you can't ever get back the times you've already had...