Pattern Recognition
15 June, 2004 :: 9:40 a.m.
I feel empty...empty at home and filled to near overflowing at work...and this is how the cycle goes...and I can't even fall into a good depression because the only time I get sad is at work and just as I've got a good sad going, someone comes around the corner (customer or fellow worker) and they say something to me and the next thing I know I'm talking like nothing is wrong and they leave and take my sadness with them...so it starts building again as I think of how hopeless everything is and how it's not even worth feeling over because nothing that is happening now will last forever...so I don't know...it makes no sense to be depressed because you realize that feeling is pointless...if it's pointless, why get depressed that it's hopeless to feel anything? Feeling just reminds you that you're alive anyway and I don't need that right now because it gets in the way of my being content with not having a life. I can't look forward to this summer because nothing is happening and the last sign on this road said there's nothing for the next 8 weeks at least...and then the semester will start and honestly I don't look forward to this coming semester because everyday of it is going to be closer to the end of it and once it's done a chapter of my life is over. Steve somehow managed to graduate while staying in his room for most of the semester and not doing work for classes...it's weird to think of a semester where I'm not going to bump into him between classes or somewhere around campus...and then Pat will graduate and then there's no one from 6B Cedar Crest left...everyone will have moved on but me...I'll have another semester and probably a summer class before I'm out and by then everyone is scattered to the winds and I'll have my degree in nothing that will take me no where but deeper into the pit of hopelessness and despair because then I'll have more debt than all my stupidity as a young 20-something got me into and I'll be no closer to figuring out a job that I'm qualified for that will pay the bills for me to live and pay for the bills of the life already lived. It amazes me that for someone who hates people a lot of the jobs that I would be content with (at least for a while) involve customer service...what the fuck is wrong with me? I hate people; I avoid them as much as possible. So what jobs do I want that I haven't had? To work at the S*ul Full Cup coffee shop in C*rning, to work at a gas station, bartender (yes, I've known people with these jobs; yes, I realize that they can be shitty), various other jobs that involve interaction with people. And it's not like I want to own the coffee shop...I don't want the headache...the only benefit of owning the place would be I could kick anyone out who pissed me off and if you don't like the fact that I'm rude, take your money somewhere else. But I'd rather find someone with that attitude who would hire me and just let me berate people.
The point is the other jobs I would want would require more school and more money so they really don't seem to be options any longer...I let them all go without ever trying to hang on to one. Pat will move away, probably to live with Joel and Chuck will still be teaching up near Cortland and neither of my best friends will be near me and none of my other friends and acquaintances will be around any longer and what's the point of staying here after that? But where to go? No idea, but apparently it will be a path I blaze alone and as good as I am at meeting people, that'll be lovely...so I'll still have friends, but through email and phone calls...no one to call up and make plans to get together with... I loathe the idea that this semester will be here before I make anything of my summer and that the semester will be gone and I'll be left sitting around remembering when it was fun to be here...I haven't been sleeping; I'm a zombie again. I read or sit here at the computer for a bit or create my friends in my video games so that at least we can do shit together there and the rest of the time I'm a zombie...I have a few things to do here and there, but none of them get done...I'm tired but sleep doesn't happen except for an hour or two a day...too tired to do anything that has purpose but unable to sleep so that I can wake and have energy to do things that I should do...fuck...off to not sleep and not accomplish anything...yes, I'm actually starting to miss the soap opera life again now that I've settled into a rut with nothing interesting happening...