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another entry since i'm alone and drinking...
31 July, 2004 :: 3:41 a.m.

So I missed a call from Pat tonight…I was supposed to be at work tonight but I called in earlier and used a personal day…I was up most of the day so I slept for several hours tonight and then got up and showered…apparently Pat called while I was in the shower and it sucks. I would’ve loved to talk to him and he sounded like he could have used a real conversation instead of just leaving a message.

I love being a night person and working third shift…my biggest regret is that there are times like this when I’m wide awake and want badly to talk to someone, but my friends have jobs with “normal” hours for the most part and even if they aren’t working, I can’t call any of them up at 2 in the morning for a chat…so I really wish I’d gotten Pat’s call when it came in so that we could’ve wasted an hour or two on the phone just talking and making each other feel better…even if it was only temporary. I was gonna email Pat and tell him that I’d come down just for the day (since I’m apparently not allowed to visit and stay the night) if he wanted me to, but I remembered that he’s having his girlfriend over for a dinner so that’s not really an option. So I text messaged Chuck at 1:15 in the morning to see if he’s doing anything tomorrow because I’d really like to spend the day with one of my friends. It’s been so long since Chuck and I have had an all night heart-to-heart…I miss those days. We get together still and we do talk about what’s going on in our lives, but he’ll mention stuff that happened a month or two before and I never knew anything about it and I miss really knowing all of what he is thinking and going through like I used to (I mean I realize we all have bits of ourselves we keep from the rest of the world, but we let certain people see a lot more than others and I used to know more than just the headlines with Chuck). I feel like I know a lot more than just the bold headlines with Pat…the fact that he can call after midnight and leave a long message for me knowing that I’ll listen to the whole thing and not just go, “Oh, Pat called,” and delete it shows that he trusts me to open up to when he needs someone to talk things out with…I just wish I’d actually been there for him tonight because it would have done as much for me as it would have for him.

Well I took a smoke break and ARGGGHHHH! At first I thought maybe I scared off the new neighbors because I have a habit of perching up on the railing of the deck when I’m drinking or talking on the phone…well, I wasn’t talking, but I was drinking and they pulled in and I was like, “Ah, shit,” because I was off last night and heard them come up and meet the neighbors next door…but they did the whole “noticing me but trying to pretend they didn’t notice me” thing when they got out of the car and went into their apartment…but then one of them came back out and felt the need to introduce himself…Buddy…isn’t that just precious? That’s his name. Of course the only thing he asks me is if I like to party…Ummm, not really. I like to get together with friends and have some drinks and bullshit and all, but party? No, never really have. Probably because I live in an area of rednecks whom I just do not fit in with. In fairness he seemed nice enough, but I just don’t want Buddy thinking he’s my buddy who can stop by and visit now….although he did tell me that they work Sunday-Thursday and if I want to stop by Thursday night through Saturday night and party, I’m welcome to…like I said, nice enough, just not someone I feel like I can make a human connection with. So Pat, Thursdays…wooo, we’ll have drunken rednecks outside partying as long as the weather stays warm…

Now I don’t even remember where I was going with this entry…I mean, I know it was nowhere, but I’ve lost the ramble-y direction that I was headed in. The friends I have are the absolute best and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world; I would give anything I could to help any of them (all 4 that make the list as friends: Pat, Chuck, Erin and Steve (even though I haven’t talked to the bastard since he dropped by unexpectedly at the beginning of the summer and I don’t know if he still reads this)… Lacey I live with, so of course I’ll be there for her if she needs me, but the rest are friends that I value more than anything else I have in my life even if I don’t say it to them or I act like an ass occasionally. Whew, I’ve been drinking…is it obvious? That’s when I let my guard down the easiest and get emotional…the other time that this is likely to occur is when I’ve not slept much.

I was talking to Pat about his woman a few days ago…I’m so happy that he finally has a girlfriend, but she seems to be carrying baggage from her last relationship and I don’t want to see her hurt him because she’s afraid of being hurt. I am looking forward to meeting her sometime and maybe even getting to know her ... Anyway, when they are together she makes him happy and that’s great…I told him that, at least for now, he needs to just take it as it comes and see where things go and more than likely no matter where it leads, he’ll be in a better place than he was. I believe this is true. I’ve learned lessons from each of my relationships and I would not be where I am or have the friends that I have if I had not been in those relationships.

I’m really looking forward to seeing Erin (hopefully) at the Cure concert in Maryland in less than a week now; at the same time I dread it because she is someone else who means the world to me and I don’t want to feel like I’m not being myself again like I did last summer when I finally met her…it was awkward because I suddenly didn’t know what to say to her after hours of talking over IM and exchanging emails…we talked, but I was constantly on guard wondering what I could talk about with her—which makes no sense, so therefore is totally normal for me. I’m hoping that it’s different this time since a year has passed with me emailing her about everything in my life and I’ve already met her now, but I still don’t know…plus Lacey will be there so there’s the new awkwardness of Erin will be there with friends, I’ll be there with Lacey and will we meet up and actually be able to talk like we do online or not? I don’t know. I’m over-thinking it right now, I’m sure. If nothing else I will buy overpriced beer until I loosen the hell up. Plus I’m not going to be still recovering from eleventeen hours in the car this time so I’ll be able to fully enjoy the concert (not that Radiohead wasn't awesome, just by the end I was feeling dazed...and then proceeded to fall asleep while Erin drove us back to her house) and maybe that will help me open up…I don’t know…I’m drinking, I’m by myself, of course I’m gonna over-think things...

I will say this since I’m drinking and at the moment don’t care: If we chose the person we fell in love with based on mix tapes or discs, I would be head-over-heels in love with Erin and she would probably have a restraining order against me. She makes the best mixes. Period, bar none. (Pat will get that last bit if no one else does). I’ve been listening to all of the mix CDs she’s sent me and they all rock. They end up sounding like all of the songs should have been on an album together. I always hope when I send her a mix that she enjoys at least a few of the songs on them, but I have no way of judging…I make myself copies of most of the mixes and I listen to them, but I don’t know how they will impact someone else if at all… Erin’s mixes are usually perfect…at least for me and since I’m the one she’s making them for and sending them to, I guess that’s what matters…I’m going to go back to listening to music and drinking by myself and cursing all my friends for not being up and online right now...

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