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22 September, 2004 :: 7:42 a.m.

I have to remember to keep putting all of my useless thoughts in here because although they eventually find their way back into my head, it at least gives me temporary reprieve...putting down in here how bad I've been feeling at work made it more tolerable for awhile...and now Fall weather is here and it's great because I can feel the sadness and emptiness that I feel every's not hopelessness like I've been feeling, just sad and empty and for some reason feeling that way is familiar and comforting...I'm sick of this semester already...I like my classes, but I feel pulled in all directions and have too much to keep up with and I end up missing class more than I mean to and it never feels like I have time for myself...if I try to make time for myself, I end up feeling guilty or worse, I just can't enjoy what I'm doing because I know I'm just fucking myself over in the near future...I can't wait for the leaves to change, I just hope that it dries out because it's no good when they fall and just become wet piles of rot...I want to see them dry and fluttering in the breeze...dry...that's how I feel...but I couldn't be lucky enough to get picked up by a good strong breeze and carried away from here...the thought that graduation means getting out of here, away from everything and everyone keeps me going, but the realization that loans will come due shortly after graduation and I will probably be in no better situation for paying them off than I am now washes over me and I feel like I'm going to suffocate...

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