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15 December, 2004 :: 6:29 p.m.

I finally figured out something that I'd like to do with my life...so of course I immediately got in my own way and prevented myself from getting any closer to it...

I used to feel good about the fact that I can say I've avoided a lot of the mistakes my father made. Now I realize that, even if it's true that I've avoided the mistakes, I've also not done anything toward fiding a path of my own...too much time worrying about becoming him, consciously and unconsciously avoiding choices that might lead me on a path similar to his. Avoid the mistakes, don't become him--those are things I worried about. Somehow I thought I'd have all the time in the world to find my way once I'd made sure I wasn't following him.

Now I feel like I'm in one of those old 8 bit Nintendo games...the screen keeps scrolling to the right and I avoid taking any path that might lead me to somewhere I don't want to go, but the screen doesn't scroll back...once you've passed up a path, that's it...and what do you do when there are no more paths? I can stop the screen from scrolling simply by not moving, but time doesn't stop counting down...I can stay here in Mansfield avoiding all choices, stuck where I am, but the counter in the corner of the screen will eventually reach zero and I'll die and the game will be over.

I gave up on this semester around the time I dropped my philosophy class...I don't know why...part of me said I was dropping it so I would have more time for my other classes, but I'd already pretty much given up on all of them...

Monday I was completely without hope after my algebra final; Tuesday hope was reborn with the realization that it's still possible (though I don't think likely) that I could pass algebra and, with not too much work, I could pass my Beat Generation class since one paper is basically written and I could probably do the other one without too much trouble...so I was all set to talk to Dr. U. today and see if he'd give me a chance to finish the final paper...and what happens? I wake up at 2:30 and realize I've missed the final period for Kafka and hope is again gone...I suppose I can email him and beg, but it seems sort of pointless because I don't know if I passed algebra or if I actually care enough to finish the stuff I owe him...I need a minimum of 6 credits in order to get my financial aid for next semester...so I suppose I should at least try...

A huge part of me doesn't care anymore, has come to terms with the likelihood that I will just forever have dead-end jobs and never get anywhere in life, feels that while this sucks, it's inevitable; the other part of me still holds out hope that I'll eventually get my shit together, that eventually I will be doing what I want to do.

Again, I feel stressed, so I want to just go to bed...I was wide awake when I started this entry; I had clear ideas of what I wanted to say...now it's all jumbled and there's this amazing tiredness washing over me...

I don't know if the walls of Mansfield are getting higher or if the ground I'm standing on is sinking, but either way it appears this is where I will die.

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